Because it hurts
by 3DBABE1999
Summary: A story requested by AshleyMarie84. Sam's been hiding things from Dean but a hunt for an angry spirit ends up bringing Sam's secrets to light in more ways than one.
1. Chapter 1

"Because it hurts."

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A/N: Okay.. First off WARNINGS: I am going to break Sam as much as humanly possible in this (Because that's what this Season is needing to happen to make Dean pull his head from his rear.) so please take the warnings for these things VERY SERIOUSLY.. (I'm talking full on mental, emotional and spiritual melt down here people.. This could be VERY triggering to some.) Mentions of Sam's time in The Cage, Rape, SEVERE.. GRAPHIC torture such as burning, flogging, drowning, electrocution and so on.. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Depression, Suicidal thoughts, behaviors and actions by more than one main character, Mentions of child abuse, Mentions of child neglect, Mentions of the rape of a minor, Mentions of mental illnessess, Mentions of Sexually Transmitted Diseases and anything else I may not of mentioned that may trigger anyone or may offend anyone..Also Spoilers for all Episodes in Season 8.. Set right after Season 8 Episode 9 and beyond..

Second.. This is obviously AU because the show can insinuate that Sam was raped in The Cage all it wants but I don't think they'll ever show rape in the actual Series and I don't think they're ever going to deal with the implications of Sam being the survivor of such a traumatic experience any further than what they've already done (Though several of the things that will happen in this story COULD very well happen for real if the show ever went this route).. As it is I think readers will find the scenario and the traumas caused to be very realistic and I think you'll be pleased to find that evryone remains pretty much in character except for the ones who get broken, they'll be a little OOC for a bit (But only a small bit.. I swear.).. But in a realistic manner as everyone has their breaking point.

And last but not least.. Am I the only one that has cause to think that Sam has several risk factors for developing P.T.S.D. and Depression in real Canon?.. Am I the only one that sees the clear and obvious sign and symptoms that looks as if he has indeed developed those things in real canon?.. Am I the only one that thinks that Sam will end up suicidal in Canon (Again.. Cause he HAS been suicidal before.. But I think it's even worse now), BEFORE this Season is through?

A/N: For those who don't know. There are certain risk factors that can lead to the development of Depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and I've given info on risk factors and symptoms for both below: (And I've highlighted the ones that especially fit Sam IN CANON ONLY with asterisks * and I point out if Dean shares the risk factor or symptom as well.) (Some may want to skip this part because it's rather lengthy.. But it DOES hold tons of info that may be of interest to those who really pay attention to the Series like I do.)

~0~ (If you want to skip the info below then skip from here to where you see this:  ~0~ **A/N:**** End of info.**)

Depression affects each person in different ways, so symptoms caused by depression vary from person to person. Inherited traits, age, gender and cultural background all play a role in how depression may affect an individual..

It's not known exactly what causes depression. As with many mental illnesses, it appears a variety of factors may be involved. These include:

1: Having biological relatives with Depression (As for it being Canon.. I wouldn't know but it would stand to reason that it is most likely canon that John Winchester probably did suffer from Depression.. And I believe Dean DOES suffer from depression.. But since it's yet to be revealed in canon I did not mark this one.. .)

2: Having traumatic experiences as a child * (Hmm.. I don't think this one really needs any examples cause obviously losing his mom at 6 months old, finding out monsters were actually REAL and that one of those REAL monsters killed his mom are pretty traumatic I'd say (Even if he didn't show that he was traumatized at the time of the events, they still play a part overall with the possibility of his development of Depression.) But if those don't count one must ask themselves these questions as they ARE NOT answered in canon.. But it stands to reason that just the questions prove that something traumatic did happen to Sam as a child that Sam obviously had a traumatic reaction towards and those questions are: "Why did Sam run away to Flagstaff?" (Last time I checked children usually run away from home when something has really upset them and Sam does not strike me as having been the kind of child to be overtly dramatic and have that response to something small.. It had to have been something BIG to cause him to be upset enough to run away from home.), "Why is Sam afraid of clowns? (The answer to this question is hinted at in Season 7 Episode 14 "Plucky Pennywhistle's Magical Menagerie." .. But it gives reason to think that A: Sam associates clowns with feeling abandoned. (Which is possible.) And that feeling of fearing being abandoned turned into a fear of clowns. (Again possible.). B: A clown did something to Sam to cause him to fear clowns. (Possible.. But again I will point out that Sam does not strike me as having been the kind of child to develop a fear like this over something small, so the clown had to have done something BIG.. Like childhood trauma.. BIG.) "Why does Sam's fear of clowns originate back to when Dean was leaving him BY HIMSELF at Plucky Pennywhistle's Magical Menagerie, when it's likely that Sam had seen clowns before and had not been afraid of them up until this juncture of his life?" (Again I don't think something small caused Sam's fear of clowns.), "Why does the time where Sam ran away to Flagstaff fit right along side the same time his fear of clowns originates?" and "What was going through Sam's mind when he'd been in Flagstaff for TWO WEEKS and no one had found him yet?".. And while the answers to these questions are not given in canon, so there is no proof that a traumatic event caused Sam's fear of clowns, or that, that traumatic event caused him to run away to Flagstaff or that a completely separate traumatic event happened that caused him to run away to Flagstaff. It does stand to reason that these theories are not unfounded, so one should ask themselves themselves those questions and decide for themselves whether or not they believe that Sam did in fact suffer from traumatic experiences as a child that can actually be counted and considered as traumatic in canon... This risk factor also has Dean written all over it.)

3: Having family members or friends who have been depressed (Again it would stand to reason that John did show symptoms of depression.. Also this would be a good place to point out again that Dean has many of the same risk factors for developing Depression (and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) as Sam as well as having symptoms of Depression (and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) himself.. But as there is no proof in canon that either John or Dean suffer from Depression aside from the symptoms and risk factors they themselves seem to have so I have not marked this as one of Sam's risk factors.)

4: Experiencing stressful life events,** such as the death of a loved one *** (His mom as a baby..(Although he didn't get to know her it still clearly affected his life.. Especially when he couldn't even ask about her without getting treated like he had no right to know about her.), Jessica, his dad, Madison, Dean (Countless times.. And all Dean's deaths were heartbreaking for Sam.. (Even the ones that made us laugh) and all of Dean's MANY deaths most likely added even more trauma and emotional scars to poor Sam's psyche.. Especially when Dean "died on a Wednesday" ("Mystery Spot." if you don't know what I'm referring to), went to Hell and when Sam thought Dean was dead after the events of the Season 7 Finale. .. I think those deaths affected Sam the worst to be honest.), Bobby, Cas.. His own deaths.. Boy all of those open up several different cans of worms.. But his trip to The Cage (Whether it counts as a death or not it does serve to be something that could (actually DEFINITELY.. WOULD) trigger the symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.. Again.. Several different cans of worms.).. And don't even get me started on the stressful life experiences that Sam has had that ARE canon... And THIS risk factor DEFINITELY fits Dean to a "T"..)

5: Having few friends or other personal relationships * (Boy does that one come straight out of the book of Sam and Dean Winchester's lives or what?)

6: Having been depressed or having suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or any anxiety disorders in the past * (Yes it is canon.. He was shown to have gone off the "Deep end" in Season 4 when he talked about how Ruby "SAVED" him. .. Also.. He WAS depressed right after Jessica.. And then there was his dad dying right after.. Not to mention an array of other things that's made Sam noticeably depressed throughout all of the Seasons... And I think Dean is practically always depressed here lately... And I believe both brothers have been suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder throughout several points during the course of the Series.)

7: Having ever had a serious injury or illness, such as cancer, diabetes, heart disease, Alzheimer's or HIV/AID (I did not mark this one because: There's no proof in canon that Sam has any illness as of right now and although I myself count Sam having such a problem with not being able to sleep that he winds up institutionalized as having dealt with a serious illness (It DID almost kill him.) along with him having dealt with the pain of the visions, oh and him almost winding up with CROATOAN.. should totally count as him having dealt with a serious illness AND the effects of his wall getting broken by Cas should definitely count as him having dealt with a serious illness (I mean after all he was hallucinating LUCIFER.. He was FEELING the pain of The Cage.) BUT.. Since he's never been seen being diagnosed with a serious illness in canon and we've never seen him treated for a serious injury (Aside from a broken arm).. Unless one counts him being diagnosed with having no soul as him having a serious illness or his multiple deaths or his injuries that we've never seen treated or diagnosed i.e.: Head injury from Season 1 Episode 22 "Devil's trap.", the possibly not completely healed stab wound to his spine from Cold Oak in Season 2 Episode 21 "All Hell breaks loose: Part 1." as things that count as injuriy or illnesses or illness inducing... As far as Dean goes.. As far as CANON is concerned Dean was healed from every illness or injury he'd ever sustained when he was risen from perdition.. BUT he has sustained quite a bit of being knocked around since then and who knows what kind of injuries he might have sustained that have gone untreated.. BUT since he did deal with almost dying from heart failure (Season 1 "Faith.") I'd count this one for Dean... And since Sam did also deal with Dean having that condition I myself would say Sam has this risk factor as well because for me when a close member of my family is seriously ill it effects me worse than if I were sick myself. And Sam and Dean are REALLY close.)

8: Having certain personality traits, such as having low self-esteem and being overly dependent, self-critical or pessimistic * (Does this one need any elaboration? Sam is self-critical, he has had several moments of low self-esteem.. He's had lots of moments of being pessimistic.. and the overly dependent.. Well.. While he does strive for independence and he can handle having independence.. Just take away Dean and watch Sam fall apart.. And he WILL fall apart.. Then he'll latch onto whatever or whoever can help him "Hold on" and if that's not overly dependent I don't know what is.. Because he can't find something to "Hold on" to in the most important of places.. Within himself.. He needs someone or something to give him that... And I think it's needless to say that this risk factor also has Dean written all over it.)

9: Abusing alcohol, nicotine or illicit drugs * (Does the demon blood addiction count for this one?.. I think it should. If not.. How about when Sam started doing whatever street drugs he was buying in Season 7 Episode 17 "The Born-Again Identity." because he couldn't sleep? That should definitely count.. Oh and let's not forget that he was shown to be drunk (Abusing alcohol) and suicidal in Season 4 when he talked about how Ruby "SAVED" him.. Yeah.. THAT.. DEFINITELY counts... Again I would like to point out that Dean shares this risk factor as well.)

10: Being the victim of abuse or sexual assault (I'd mark this one just because of all the insinuations Lucifer made about Sam's time in The Cage as far as sexual assault is concerned... And as far as abuse goes.. Well Sam DID imply that his father got violent when he was drunk in Season 7 Episode 3 "The girl next door." and I believe that even though John may not have been physically abusive I'm sure that John was verbally, emotionally and psychologically abusive.. BUT since it's only hinted at and I don't know if anyone besides me would count being bullied in school as being abused (Which I do count school bullying as a form of abuse... An abuse recieved from peers should be counted as abusive just as much as abuse from family members, spouses, employers, law enforcement, school officials or from anyone else that can administer verbal, emotional, mental, physical or sexual abuse, which is honestly almost anyone capable of throwing a punch or issuing an insult nowadays.) or if anyone who would count Dean's recent behavior towards Sam as abusive (Which I do.. Please no haters and please no flaming me... I know that some of Sam's actions towards Dean throughout the Series can be counted as abusive as well... And Yes.. I would count this as a risk that Sam and Dean do share if what they've endured in canon whether at each other's hands or at the hands of other characters counted as a risk to anyone but me.) SO.. I did not mark it.)

So.. Sam has SIX of TEN of the above risk factors for developing Depression.

NOW.. Here's SOME of the symptoms of Depression. They are:

1: Feelings of sadness or unhappiness * (Several times in the Series but most recently Dean said that Sam was "Moping around like a unich in a whore house." (Season 8 Episode 6 "Southern Comfort." before the spectre possessed him) and I think that goes to say that Sam has been acting like he is unhappy.. And well Dean isn't exactly acting like Mr. Sunshine right now.. So I'd say he has this symptom as well.)

2: Irritability or frustration, even over small matters * (While I don't think there are any "even "small" matters" as all of the stuff Sam and Dean usually have to deal with is almost always something HUGE.. I'd say they both have been irritable and frustrated several times throughout the Series and most especially here lately.)

3: Loss of interest or pleasure in normal activities * (It doesn't look like Sam's ever had a whole lot of pleasure out of any activities.. Nothing seems to really make him happy except for when it's Dean making him smile... Seriously look through the whole Series.. Every Episode.. After Jessica died nothing but Dean's antics and hearing John's words in Season 1 Episode 20 "Dead man's blood." could make Sam truly, give a genuinely HAPPY smile and Sam's lack of happy got even worse after John's death.. Yes Sam has smiled, laughed and had sex throughout the course of the Series.. But how much of anything he's done in the Series besides being around the people he loves has ever interested him or given him pleasure?.. Hmm..)

4: Reduced sex drive (I didn't mark this one because we only know of a handful of times that Sam has had sex during the course of the Series (In fact I can count only 6 people that he's been with sexually since Jessica's death.. Madisson, Ruby, Doctor Cara Roberts (Season 5 Episode 14 "Sex and violence.", a hooker (But he was soulles at the time) (Season 6 Episode 3 "The third man."), "Pechoulie girl" or "Hippy chick" (also while he was soulless) ( Season 6 Episode 9 "Clap your hands if you believe.") and Amelia.. SO I don't know if he has a reduced sex drive or if he's just always had a nearly non-existent sex drive.. And as far as Dean goes.. Well.. According to canon Dean should practically be a walking one night stand waiting to happen... BUT During the course of the Series I know of only 7 (Yes ONLY **SEVEN**) women Dean has been with since the start of the Series (Which I think it's wierd how he and Sam have been with the same number of women throughout the WHOLE Series (Jessica would be Sam's 7th person.) (Cassie (Season 1 Episode 13 "Route 666."), the "Double Mint Twins" (Which would be 2 & 3) (Season 3 Episode 1 "The Magnificent Seven."), the "bar "wench"" Jamie (Season 4 Episode 5 "Monster Movie."), the angel Anna (Season 4), Lisa (Season 6) and the "Amazon" Lydia from Season 7 Episode 13 "The splice girls.") which I'd say is either a reduced sex drive or Dean isn't really the serial womanizer he makes himself out to be.)

5: Insomnia or excessive sleeping * (Sam did almost DIE from lack of sleep.)

6: Changes in appetite — depression often causes decreased appetite and weight loss, but in some people it causes weight gain and increased cravings for food or even non food items * (I do believe the demon blood may count here.)

7: Agitation or restlessness — for example, pacing, hand-wringing or an inability to sit still (I'll leave it up to everyone whether or not they want to count the fact that Sam had to press into the scar to make Lucifer disappear.. Or any of the other things like getting a bit fidgety at times throughout different points throughout the whole Series as things that makes this symptom fit Sam)

8: Irritability or angry outbursts * (BOTH Sam and Dean have this symptom in spades here lately.)

9: Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements (I didn't mark it.. But.. Anybody but me noticing how quiet Sam's been over the last two - three Seasons?.. He hardly speaks unless spoken to unless he has to.. In fact looking back he was kind of almost always that way, EXCEPT with John and Dean.. Hmm..)

10: Indecisiveness, distractibility and decreased concentration * (Sam does seem to have lots of issues with decision making, concentration and being distracted all throughout different points in all of the Seasons so far but especially throughout Seasons 3-6 where he made his bigest mistakes... And well seeing as he was either focused on either getting Dean free from the crossroad's deal, was mourning Dean's death or trying to figure out how to stop the Apocolypse.. One can see how easily Sam could have been played into doing the things he did.. Because he couldn't think straight enough to realize that he was in fact being played because his attention was always focused elsewhere and his emotions were easy to prey upon during those times.)

11: Fatigue, tiredness and loss of energy — even small tasks may seem to require a lot of effort (I didn't mark it but Sam does seem to be not really "with it" lately.. It's like all the fight has been drained out of him except when he's really pissed about something)

12: Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or blaming one's self when things aren't going right * (Ding, ding, ding.. I think Sam and Dean hit this symptom right on the head.)

13: Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things * (Does falling for a demon skank's wiles count as having trouble thinking, concetrating or making decisions?.. Me thinks it does.. After all Sam was freaking out over Dean's deal and then he was mourning Dean's death.. Sam was easy pickings for a hellbitch like Ruby.)

14: Addiction seeking behavior as those who do develop Depression become three times more likely to seek out and develop addictions than those without Depression * (Sam turned to alcohol then to demon blood after Dean's death and I think there's no question of the fact that Sam was suffering from Depression during that time and according to research it is very common for a person with Depression to develop an addiction for one substance such as alcohol and when that substance no longer proves strong enough to numb their pain they turn to something stronger and in Sam's case the stronger substance was demon blood.)

15: Frequent thoughts of death, dying or suicide * (As I stressed above Sam HAS been shown to be suicidal throughout several moments of the Show's history and in the latest Episode (Season 8 Episode 9 "Citizen Fang." we hear him tell Amelia that she "Saved" him.. which I take means he had been contimplating suicide and then he met her and she helped distract him from that course of action.)

16: Crying spells for no apparent reason

17: Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches

GENERAL INFO ON DEPRESSION:

For some people, depression symptoms are so severe that it's obvious something isn't right. Other people feel generally miserable or unhappy without really knowing why.

Depression symptoms may not get better on their own — and depression may get worse if it isn't treated. Untreated depression can lead to other mental and physical health problems or problems in other areas of a person's life. Feelings of depression can also lead to suicide.

So Sam suffers or has suffered from ELEVEN out of SEVENTEEN symptoms of Depression.. So OVER HALF of the risk factors as well as OVER HALF of the symptoms apply to Sam (And Dean as well)..

So I think it's practically canon that Sam does indeed suffer from Depression (As does Dean) and all we as fans need is the real writers to give us confirmation (And it wouldn't hurt if they absolved and vindicated Sam (And Dean) a bit by maybe showing that Ruby drugged Sam when they first met one on one BEFORE Sam knew she was a demon (Season 3 Episode 2 "The kids are alright.") Ruby drank from Sam's straw, touched Sam's food, laptop and grabbed Sam's hand to write down a phone number and I'm thinking that Ruby was really a freakin Succubus.. Meaning she could make Sam be drawn to her.. She could eventually make him lust after her (It would make sense after all a Siren could posion it's victims through saliva.. What if a Succubus could infect a man with lust with just a touch?..(And let's not forget that Ruby touched Dean and poured something down Dean's throat to save him from the witches.. So maybe she drugged Dean to and that is what helped start pulling Sam and Dean so far apart) And then Lillith kissed Sam at the end of Season 3 and if I'm right about Ruby then get this.. According to real lore (not show lore.. But real research) Azazel (In Supernatural he's known as The Yellow Eyed Demon) was once an angel (YES.. REAL.. LORE and the show does imply SEVERAL TIMES that they are following THAT lore.) and not just any angel a Seriphim.. Which is the HIGHEST class of angels (Archangels are Seriphim that are the "Chief Princes"" meaning they're like GOD'S generals and according to REAL lore Gabriel is an Archangel and a "Chief Prince".. Yet according to lore Gabriel is a female angel (I'll come back to this later.. so please keep it in mind)) AND.. Not only was Azazel a Seriphim but he was also second in command of the Grigorri or "Watcher" angels and the Grigorri begged GOD to let them go live among mankind so GOD did and SOME of those angels fell in love with mortal women and took those mortal woman as wives and had children with those mortal women and the children that came from those unions were part human and part angel and those children were a new race called the Nephilim who were described as "POWERFUL" "GIANTS".. And Azazel was one of the many angels who fathered several different Nephilim children by a few different mortal women. BUT his FIRST Nephilim son was Asmodeus.. Who became one of the seven "Princes of Hell" or one of the seven "Devils".. Asmodeus became the "Prince" of Lust NOW why this is important is this: Lucifer twisted Lillith into the first demon.. But Lillith had not yet been cast into Hell.. NO according to lore she didn't get cast into Hell until centuries after she was turned.. But she WAS cursed to give birth to several thousands of demonic children daily and SOME of those children were born asexually.. BUT.. SOME of them were born of unions between Lillith and men, Lillith and several different angels, Lillith and other demons (Some of them who were her own sons (Eww..) and some of those children were born from unions with Nephilim.. In particular... The Incubus and Succubus demons who supposedly were fathered by Lust (Asmodeaus) himself.. Hmm.. Which IF Ruby was a succubus she would have been part human, part angel, BUT.. MOSTLY demon and Azazel (The Yellow Eyed Demon) would have been her Granpa (And Ruby supposedly did make the demon killing knife on her own and IF Azazel was her grandfather that would make sense since he was the angel thjat showed mankind how to make weapons.. Hmm..) and Lillith would have been her mom.. Which would totally make sense in the scheme of things.. NOW.. back to Azazel really quickly. In REAL lore.. Because Azazel fathered a "Devil" and showed mankind how to make weapons and taught mankind about makeup and jewelry (Which would have been showing mankind how to be vain (And vanity is a sin) I guess) Raphael castrated Azazel and threw him upon jagged rocks and broke his body before casting him into Hell where Azazel became a goat demon that liked to take children from their cribs to make them his because he could no longer father children of his own.. NOW.. THAT is REAL lore.. And in Supernatural Season 4 Episode 22 "Lucifer Rising." when it shows Azazel (The Yellow Eyed Demon) in the convent back in 1972 (Which by the way is a year before the time Dean gets sent back to (Keep that in mind)) when Azazel is talking to Lucifer he tells Lucifer that the others have lost faith and calls them "Dickless Heathens" and says "But not me".. He seems to be taking the "Dickless" thing a bit personally.. Like he had something to prove.. And it would make sense as to why Azazel has to bleed into an infants mouth to infuse them with his power instead of just fathering the children himself (Because he couldn't cause he'd been castrated).. Which would mean Sam is part angel.. Which would explain how Sam was able to walk around soulless for a whole year (MOST angels are "soulless" dicks according to Dean) because the blood that pumps through Sam's veins isn't just demonic but angelic as well.. NOW back to Gabriel.. WHY Gabriel is important.. According to REAL lore.. SOME of the Nephilim like Asmodeus became bad.. Like worst kind of evil bad.. BUT some of them were good.. MOST of them became HEROES of old reknown.. BUT.. MOST angels and MOST humans feared the race of Nephilim.. Thhose that feared them considered them "abominations" so MOST angels and MOST humans demanded that the Nephilim be destroyed but GOD did not want to destroy his only grandchildren.. So GOD tasked Gabriel with coming up with a fair solution and Gabriel made every generation of Nephilim fight in a battle to the death when each generation reached a certain age so that at least one Nephilim from each generation had a chance at a life (REAL LORE.. Now what happened in Cold Oak suddenly makes a lot of sense).. NOW obviously.. Azazel was not the only angel to father Nephilim children.. Nor was he the only angel to show mankind forbidden things (In fact one angel taught mankind sorcery and witchcraft.. Yep.. According to lore, witchcraft came from angels. Who knew? (Oooh MAYBE a Succubus or Incubus had children with one of the Nephilim children born from one of the unions of the angels that taught mankind witchcraft and one of those children were Ruby which would make Yellow Eyes her Great-Grandfather and Lillith her grandmother and would make Ruby a bit more human and a bit more angel, but she still be MOSTLY demon and since Lust would be her Grandfather.. She'd be irresistable to most men through either the wiles of a Succubus or the wiles of witch whilst also being good at weapons making as she would have inherited that from her Great-grandfather Azazel (The Yellow Eyed Demon)) and yet another naughty angel gave his mortal wife the true name of GOD) and Azazel was not the only angel (nor the only Seriphim) from the Grigorri to get cast into Hell.. Nor was he the only one to become a new demon-angel hybrid because of it (And I don't think he was the only one to wind up castrated either) and most of the Grigorri that were damned had done the foul things they'd done because they had decided to side with Lucifer.. Azazel included.. So suddenly the conversation in the convent between Yellow Eyes and Lucifer makes more sense (Because I think the "others" that had lost faith.. Might've been some of the other angels that had been cast into Hell.. Hmm..) and then Lucifer tells Azazel to find him a child.. Now Dean got sent back in time Season 4 Episode 3 "In the beginning." and Dean told Samuel Cambell about where The Yellow Eyed Demon would be and Samuel Cambell told Mary and Mary rushed to go to help her friend and when Yellow Eyes saw Mary he said "Where the hell have they been hiding you?" and then tells her he likes her cause she has a lot of "spunk".. which is EXACTLY what he tells Sam later.. So it's like Dean inadvertantly lead Yellow Eyes to his mom.. Cause IF he hadn't told Samuel Cambell about what was written in John's journal then Mary wouldn't have known her friend was in trouble and Yellow Eyes would have never found her meaning she never would have had to make a deal to save John and Azazel told Dean that he was picking the "perfect" parents for his special children ones that were "Pure" he said that he was creating a new "Master race"... Hmmm.. I think that the mortal women that bore out the race of Nephilim were vessels in fact I think that, only a vessel could concieve and bear the child of an angel.. SO.. When Azazel said "Pure" I think he meant that both parents were from vessel bloodlines.. Meaning Mary was a vessel to... ANYWAY... What I'm saying is. Is it would make TONS of sense for the writers to go ahead and use what they already have along with other parts of real lore that makes all the lose ends come together because IF Ruby was a Succubus or part Succubus and she drank from Sam's straw, touched Sam's food, laptop and hand then she could have infused him with the beginnings of Lust right then so when she reveals she's a demon he doesn't kill her because he's under her spell, then Queen Bitch Lillith (Because wouldn't the mother (Or Grandmother) of a Succubus have stronger abilities to instill Lust?.. Obviously Lillith wasn't Lust like Asmodeus was.. But she had to have some way of getting the embodyment of Lust to into her bed) kisses Sam (Season 3 Episode 16 "No rest for the wicked.) and helps close the deal for her daughter (Grandaughter... Whichever.).. Thus making it easier for Ruby to make Sam do what she wants in Season 4 and I believe that prick Zachariah was working with Lillith and Ruby to free Lucifer, thus making it even harder for Sam to fight against all the ways he was being played.. AND Zachariah's involvement also helped serve to drive even more wedges between Sam and Dean.. After all I'm 100% sure that Zachariah is the one that tampered with the voicemail that helped drive Sam over the edge into killing Lillith, thus breaking the Finale Seal and setting Lucifer free.. And I KNOW FOR A FACT that Zachariah altered Sam' "Greatest Hits." in "Darkside of the moon." which caused Dean to throw away the one thing that represented Sam's love for him.. The Amulet..

And NOW.. Why Gabriel being supposedly a female angel is so immportant.. Because she is only one of three angels that I could find any lore on as being female.. Gabriel would have been GOD'S first born daughter, Satanael (Or Satan) would have been second and Castiel would have been the third.. But Satanael is REALLY immportant because of this.. I think Crowly is REALLY Satanael (Or Satan) which would make sense, because in Season 5 Episode 9 "The real ghostbusters." Becky told Sam about Bella giving The Colt to Crowley and said supposedly Crowley was Lillith's right hand man and possibly her lover as well.. Which according to lore Satanael is a female angel and she and Lillith did have a fling at one point.. So maybe Lillith was Bi-sexual?... ANYWAY in Season 5 Episode 20 "The "Devil" you know." (Satan is one of the seven "Princes" of Hell (And "Crowley" continuosly reffers to "himself" as "King" of the Crossroads and then later "he" declares "himself" "King" of Hell) or one of the seven "Devils" and Gabriel pretended to be "The Trickster", "Loki".. SO MAYBE Gabriel wasn't the only angel to take on a new identity? As anyone would think that ONE Satanael was possibly fed up with being overshadowed by HER big sis Gabriel and she wasn't the baby like Castiel so she became a "Prince of Hell" only to wind up getting continuously confused for her big brother Lucifer.. So she became a "KING".. Because a King is better than a Prince.. I think she became Crowley so that she could have an identity that was hers.) Crowley tells Dean that he's been selling sin to Saints for centuries.. Which is sort of Satan's job description.. Except she had once been ordained by GOD to do so as it proved who was worthy of GOD'S grace and who wasn't, AND Crowley has his own Hellhound which is a BIG give away cause as a "Prince of Hell" he'd (she'd) have his (her) own hounds, then, in Season 6 Episode 4 Crowley speaks of how he thought when he got the "corner office" that it was all gonna be "rainbows and two headed puppies" .. According to lore the Cerubus.. The two and three headed hounds in Hell are Satan's dogs.. And they are NOT Hellhounds but hounds created by and ordained by GOD to guard the "Gates of Hell" and be under Satan's command.. Which to me feels like Satan is actually on GOD'S team but is undercover behind enemy lines.. But, Who knows? and then Crowley talks about how the problem with demons is that they're evil, lying prats, that they're stupid cause when he tried to show them a "NEW WAY.. A "BETTER" WAY" (Which sounds to me like he (Or she) was trying to help them find redemtion) that all he got was "Bugger off." and then he said that there's days where he thinks that maybe Lucifer's "Spike anything with black eyes plan." wasn't half bad.. AND.. GET THIS.. Crowley is the one that lead Dean to Death and Death is the one who got Sam's soul back and I for one think that Crowley did have a lot to do with that..(Like I said.. MAYBE Crowley is REALLY Satanael and MAYBE Satanael WAS (As in past tense cause I think things have changed now) trying to do GOD'S will at the time. Then in Season 7 Episode 1 Crowley tells Cas "A "GIRL'S" gotta do what a girl's gotta do." and Satanael is a girl.. Hmm.. and in Seaon 8 these things further point to Crowley being Satan.. When Crowley possessed Kevin's mom Dean asked "him" if he was getting in touch with his feminine side and Crowley said "Something like that.", when Crowley found out what was really on the tablet he said "What was GOD thinking?", "Mankind can't be trusted with something like this.".. Hmm.. Then later Crowley pulled out an ANGEL BLADE and Cas said "So this is how it's gonna be?" It's like he (Or she cause Castiel is supposed to be a girl toand Cas did tell Benny that "he" wasn't his "Aunt".. Which if Cas is a dude then why didn't he just tell Benny that he wasn't his "Uncle"?.. Hmm..) was begging his (or her) sibling not to take things in "this" direction.. Which who knows what "this" direction would be?.. Maybe If Crowley IS Satanael, and she had really been trying to do GOD'S will, THEN MAYBE she finally is just now deciding to go against GOD'S will as now she is now in the game for herself.. Again, Who knows? But I think that Crowley IS Satanael and that Satanael WAS on GOD'S side and then maybe the whole Purgatory thing got to her like it did to Cas.. Which again it WOULD make sense.

And here's ANOTHER kicker.. Look through ALL of the Seasons.. Is it just me or does almost every single angel aside from a small handful look like they're in a vessel that looks like they could be biologically related to Sam and Dean somehow? Castiel's vessel has Mary's big blue eyes and John's build (I'm thinking Jimmy Novak is really James Winchester John and Mary's first son, (Read my story "Brothers just the same." for my explaination for how it's possible) or maybe he's related to both John and Mary in some other way.), Balthazar's vessel has blond hair and hazel eyes and his accent is very European (And didn't Samuel Cambell say that Sam and Dean had ansestors on the Mayflower?), Gabriel's vessel is blond with amber colored eyes and looks like he could be closely related to either Deana (After all Deana had whoever as her ancestors as well) or Samuel Cambell as his vessel looks like he could be very closely related to Mary somehow.) and if I'm right about Crowley being Satan then the meatsuit Crowley is wearing is really a vessel (And may I point out the very European accent of Crowley's meatsuit or vessel?.. Could Crowley's meatsuit/vessel be related to Balthazar's vessel?) and the vessel looks like he could be related to Mary somehow or even John.. Hmm.. Also since Yellow Eyes was a demon that was also an angel was his meatsuit a meatsuit or a vessel? Cause both the guys Yellow Eyes Possessed looked like they could've been biologically related to either John or Mary (Or both of them) somehow.. And as far as Crowley possessing Kevin's mom.. Well she did sell her soul to save her son.. And maybe that was like giving Crowley permission to use her as a vessel.. Hmm.. Maybe she and Kevin are vessels as well and let's not forget that Chuck the prophet looked like he could've been related to Mary.. Which.. If it all tied together the way I think it should it would make SO MUCH SENSE cause that would mean almost all of the vessels are biologically related to Sam and Dean aside from Raphael's vessels (which they COULD BE related to Sam and Dean as well.. Who knows?) and Kevin's mom if she is a vessel.. (Which again Sam and Dean could be related to her.. Who knows?) Because it seems to me that there's not really enough background on John's family (Which I think John did come from a family of hunters.. Where both his mother and father were once hunters that had come from families of hunters.. I think John just didn't know that.) or Deana's family (Samuel Cambell's wife) or really even Samuel Cambell's family to know for sure... But it does seem to me like there's a whole bunch of secrets that are about to start making their ways out of the woodworkand if some of the things I talked about here were some of those secrets.. Well then it would go a LONG way to making sense of things and some of those things could absolve and vindicate BOTH Sam and Dean.. Yes?

And here's info (With outlines for whatever may affect Sam (And Dean)) on SOME of the risk factors and symptoms for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder:

Risk factors for developing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder:

1: Having EVER experienced any form of abuse or assault * (If nothing else that I've pointed out above in the parenthesis when I outlined the risk factors and symptoms for Depression counts as abuse or assault I believe the one thing that DOES count is what happened to Sam (And Dean as this risk factor fits him as well) in Hell)

2: Having ever witnessed a violent death such as in during war, having witnessed a murder or any other form of violent death * (Sam watched Jessica die a violent death by fire (While pinned to the ceiling), he saw Dean die several violent deaths and obviously this risk factor effects Dean as well as Dean saw Sam die at least two violent deaths (Sam getting stabbed in the back by Jake in Cold Oak (Season 2 Episode 21 ""All Hell breaks loose. Part 1" ) and Sam getting shot by Walt and Roy (Season 5 Episode 16 "Dark side of the moon.)) not to mention Dean saw Cas explode "like a water baloon full of chunky soup" and watched Lucifer snap Bobby's neck (While Lucifer was possessing Sam.. And Sam said that he remembered that happening as well.) and both Sam and Dean saw Bobby die from a gunshot wound to the head.)

3: Being a survivor of any kind of violent or tragic event such as a bank or convenience store robbery, a car accident, a plane crash, a horrific storm such as a tornado or hurricane, an avalanch, a stadium collapse or any other kind of event where there was violence, horrific injuries or deaths that may have been witnessed by the survivor or survivors * (Can Sam and Dean's whole lives count for this one? Cause their lives have held one tragic event right after another that either one or both witnessed... Also Sam mentioned "Survivor's Guilt".. Hmm.. I think "Survivors Guilt" and this risk factor goes hand in hand as Sam probably had "Survivors Guilt" right after he thought he'd watched Cas and Dean die... And seeing them explode into black goop (From Sam's P.O.V. that's how it must have appeared..) had to have been pretty tragic for Sam (Especially since he thought he'd just watched his only friend (Besides Dean) and the only family he had left in the entire world die right in front of him.) and since he was the "Soul Survivor" that tragedy probably hit him even harder (Cause he thought he was ALONE and he probably thought he had nothing left).. Not to mention Sam was still dealing with several other issues when that tragic event happened.)

4: Having a proffession where the person's life may be in constant danger or where that person may have to take a life or may have to choose one life to save over another life in the line of duty such as anyone with these professions: policemen, firemen, Cost Guard, doctors, nurses, paramedics or anyone serving or having served active duty in the military * (Sam and Dean are hunters their lives are constantly in danger (More so than even other hunters because of who they are.. And they've actually both lost their lives a few times..) they have to take lives all the time (Yeah the lives they take are (Usually) the lives of monsters (I can only think of a couple of times where either of them have killed a human.. i.e. Dean killed two humans in Season 4 Episode 11 "Family Remains.").. But that doesn't mean their consciences are always clear about having to do what they do.. After all there are plenty of human monsters and anytime a policemen has to use their weapon to stop one of those monsters they have to undergo counseling to make sure that they're coping with having to take a life in a healthy manner) and they do sometimes have to figure out (or triage) who can be saved and who can not be saved (Althought they both try to save everyone.. So it really effects them both when there's someone they can't save.. i.e.: Jo.. They had to realize she couldn't be saved then they had to choose to leave her to die, The REAL Meg Masters.. They had to realize that if they exorcised her she would die, but it was decided that it was more humane to get the evil demon out of her body so that she could at least die human.))

5: Having biological relatives who have suffered from Post Traumatic Stress (Again I believe John suffered from P.T.S.D... But since there is no proof in canon I did not mark it although I personally do count it as a risk factor for both Sam and Dean for if one suffers from it then the other therefore has a biological relative that suffers from it and therefore it would be a risk factor for either of them.)

6: Being someone that has been exposed to any other kind of life-threatening or any other kind of overwhelming and/or traumatic events * (Again.. Can I count Sam and Dean's whole lives for this?.. Their lives have been being threatened nearly non-stop since the night Sam turned six months old and as far as overwhelming and/or traumatic events.. Well I think for both brothers going to Hell, seeing each other die numerous times, watching other people they care about die, having to fight day in and day out against angry and or vengeful spirits, whatever "monster of the week" and hoardes of demons that are constantly gunning for them, not to mention the psycho nut job hunters like Gordon or Walt and Roy or the occasional angel that has either decided to to play against their own team or has decided to try and become GOD is life threatening, overwhelming and YES at times traumatic.. Plus all the times Sam and Dean have been seperated by what they thought was the death of one or the other (Dean spent a year thinking Sam was still in The Cage (Which TECHNICALLY.. Sam WAS still in The Cage.. Just his body was out and walking around without a freakin soul!) and Sam just spent a year thinking Dean was dead when Dean was actually trapped in Purgatory.. Plus Sam had an extra six months where he thought Dean had "died on a Wednesday", "Mystery Spot" which makes ALL the times that Sam has had to live without Dean total up to a year and a half (Not mentioning of course the ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY YEARS that Sam spent in The Cage) and the time that Dean spent living without Sam or HIS, REAL Sam would also total to about a year and a half (Wierd huh?) (And of course that's not mentioning the FOURTY YEARS Dean spent in Hell.. WHICH.. IF Dean really was dead (and in Hell) during that six months in "Mystery Spot." then Dean spent a total of ONE HUNDRED YEARS in Hell (Which I don't think Dean did go to Hell because when Sam and Dean wound up in Heaven in "Dark side of the moon." Ash told Sam and Dean that THEY had BOTH been there more times than he could count.. Which is a big "OH REALLY?" moment if you ask me.. Because one must wonder how many times Sam might've tried killing himself to get out of "The time loop" in "Mystery Spot.".. So that MIGHT mean that since Dean was TECHNICALLY dying BEFORE his deal was due then that MAY have been a loop hole where Dean's contract became "Null and Void" meaning he was going UPSTAIRS instead of DOWNSTAIRS during each time he died and Sam was also going to Heaven during each of his deaths (And I think Sam's soul was in Heaven when Dean made the crossroads deal to bring Sam back after Jake stabbed Sam in Cold Oak in "All hell breaks lose. Part 1.".. In fact I think Sam went to Heaven during ALL of his deaths up until he went to The Cage.. Which would mean that Sam has actually always been good enough to get into Heaven.. Which is saying a lot because Zachariah and Uriel seemed pissed that an "ABOMINATION" like Sam even existed so I wonder how they felt each time he made it past the "PEARLY GATES".. Because they seemed all to pleased about putting wedges between Sam and Dean.. Cause I think they thought that taking Dean away from Sam was what would end up corrupting Sam enough to officially make Sam end up damned so that he couldn't go to Heaven (And BOY did Zach seem THOUROUGHLY PISSED that even after the demon blood thing and the breaking the Finale Seal thing that Sam STILL got to go to Heaven (Cause I think Sam was still praying every night and I think Sam had most likely asked for forgiveness from GOD in those prayers and even if he hadn't have been I think since Sam had been being played by both angels and demons since before he was even born might have earned him a pass because if anyone would've known that everything wasn't really Sam's fault it would've been GOD) Again.. Hmm..)) which is just eighty years shy of Sam's time in The Cage (IF Dean in fact went to Hell during the times he died.. Which as I said above I DON'T think he really did) and suddenly I find myself wondering how time passed in Purgatory.. Did Dean make up that eighty years there?.. Hmm... Cause whether or not Dean's soul went to Hell during all of his deaths in "Mystery Spot." it would still mean that Sam and Dean have spent close to equal amounts of time in other realms such as Hell, Heaven or Purgatory with out each other.. Which can't be a coincedence.. It's like their bond is always being tested and they themselves as individuals are also always being tested to see how one fairs without the other.. And didn't Ash imply that Sam and Dean are soulmates?.. Again, Hmm...)

Thats FIVE of SIX risk factors

And now here's SOME info on the different types of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (and one can think for themselves which types Sam and Dean may have.. ME I think all the types fit BOTH of them throughout different points in the Series) :

• Acute PTSD is diagnosed when an individual has

symptoms for less than three months.

• Chronic PTSD is diagnosed when someone has symptoms

for more than three months.

• Delayed-onset PTSD appears months—sometimes more

than year—after the initial trauma. In many cases, the

individual may have had some symptoms before, just not

enough to meet the diagnostic criteria. Many people with

delayed-onset PTSD demonstrate dissociation to suppress

their reactions and avoid thoughts of the event. Numbing

and/or avoiding symptoms are associated with a worse

prognosis in the long run for many people.

SOME SYMPTOMS and SOME diagnostic criteria include:

1. Persistent Re-experiencing

A person experiences one or more of the following: 

• recurrent nightmares or flashbacks; * (Here lately Sam has been having lots of flashbacks and we saw in Season 1 how he continuously had nightmares of Jessica's death.. And Dean had lots of nightmares about Hell and he has been having a lot of flashnacks lately.)

• recurrent images or memories of the event—these images or memories often occur without actively thinking about the event; * (It seems all Sam does lately is live in the memories of what it was like without Dean and personally I think him remembering that he was in fact without Dean is what the traumatizing part is and Amelia represents that time to him so in a way just knowing her was traumatizing for Sam.. Because YEAH, he needed something to "hold on to".. But it was because he couldn't deal with not having Dean and having Amelia ended up representing NOT HAVING DEAN, which became a trauma of it's own and anything that reminds him of Amelia is a trigger that reminds him of NOT HAVING DEAN.. Does that make sense?.. And Dean has also been having recurrent memories of his own "event".)

• intense distress at reminders of the trauma; * (Again he seems triggered by anything that reminds him of Amelia, which thus reminds him of being without Dean and to me Sam looked like he was going to have a panic attack (Which means he looked pretty friggin distressed if you ask me.) in Season 8 Episode 9 "Citizen Fang." when he came face to face with Amelia, because I think he was taken right back to that feeling that he'd just lost Dean.. And Dean's not exactly helping with that feeling lately cause Dean is almost always actively letting Sam know that they are hardly even brothers anymore with words and actions here lately... And Dean nearly flipped when he thought he was hallucinating Cas.)

• physical reactions to triggers that symbolize or resemble the event. * (I'd say the fact that he had to keep pressing the scar on his hand throughout Season 7 is a physical reaction to triggers that symbolized and resembled the event.. But he also flinched and bolted up from his sleep when Dean tried to wake him up in Season 7 Episode 2 " Hello, cruel world." and he just seems to space out throughout different points in Season 8 so far and I did notice Sam was pressing the area his scar would've been when he was getting underhandedly insulted and picked on by Amelia's dad.. And agin I ask WHY did Sam run away to freaking Flagstaff when he was just thirteen?.. Cause that to me feels like a pretty physical reation to a trigger or a trauma and one of the risk factors for developing current Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is actually having once had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in the past and while I'm at it yet another risk factor for Depression is having ever had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.. Which I really.. REALLY think there was something really.. REALLY, REALLY bad that made Sam run away to Flagstaff and again I wonder why Sam's fear of clowns originates back to around that time, which would have been around the same time that Dean was "ditching" Sam at Pluck Pennywhistle's Magical Menagerie. And I think feeling fear of something that reminds him of whatever caused him to fear clowns (And MIGHT have also caused Sam to run away to Flagstaff.) in the first place is a pretty physical reaction.)

That's FOUR out of FOUR and THREE MORE than needed for a diagnoses out of this group of symptoms.

2. Avoidant/Numbness Responses (Sam does seem to be numbed out a lot lately unless he's pissed.)

A person experiences three or more of the following: 

• efforts to avoid feelings or triggers associated with the trauma; * (Honestly Sam seems to be avoiding ANY feelings besides anger right now.)

• avoidance of activities, places or people that remind the person of the trauma; * (Sam had been fine with hunting for a while.. He'd even told Dean that he was done trying to find "Normal" and "Safe".. Yet NOW Sam keeps telling Dean that he's "Done" with hunting.. I think because he associates hunting with why Dean disappeared and so he wants to AVOID remembering losing Dean.. I also think he wants to AVOID actually losing Dean.. Again.. Yes?.. And when Sam went to check on Amelia, he didn't just go up and knock on the door.. NO he snuck around her house, saw she was alright then left.. MAYBE.. Because he was trying to AVOID her and how she reminds him of NOT HAVING DEAN?.. Hmm.. Also.. remember in Season 3 Episode 8 "A Very Supernatural Christmas." how Sam didn't want to celebrate Christmas.. How he wanted to AVOID celebrating Christmas because he was afraid that it would only remind him how Dean WOULD NOT be there the next year (Maybe because he was already traumatized by the fact that Dean was going to Hell and Sam was trying to avoid being reminded of that because Dean's deal was already causing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder before it even came due.. Seems pretty likely to me.)

• inability to recall an important aspect of the trauma; (Dean couldn't remeber the full extent of the real events of him getting out of Purgatory so I'd say this symptom fits Dean.)

• markedly diminished interest in activities; * (Sam kind of doesn't seem to care one way or another whether or not the world keeps turning)

• feelings of detachment or estrangement from others; * (Of course Dean isn't exactly helping matters with this one.. But YEAH I'd call Sam detached and estranged from everyone including himself right now... And Dean is DEFINETLY.. BOTH detached and estranged from Sam right now.)

• restricted range of feelings; * (Again it seems like all Sam seems to be able to actually feel is anger lately.. Hmm.. And Dean doesn't seem to be able to feel much more than anger and resentment.. So I'd say he has this symptom as well.)

• difficulty thinking about the long-term future—sometimes this expresses itself by a failure to plan for the future or taking risks because the person does not fully believe or consider the possibility that they will be alive for a normal life span. * (In Episode 1 of Season 8 Sam told Dean that he wanted to make whatever "Time he had left" count for something (Is it just me or does a statement like that make it sound like Sam doesn't expect to have much time left?))

That's SIX out of SEVEN and THREE MORE than needed for a diagnoses out of this group of symptoms.

3. Increased Arousal

A person experiences two or more of the following: 

• difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep; * (Sam did almost DIE from lack of sleep..)

• outbursts of anger/irritability; * (I'd say this is DEFINITELY a symptom Sam seems to almost always suffer from when he's had a traumatic experience of any kind (aside from Jessica's death when he just shut down and his dad's death when it seemed like he was just trying to be there for Dean instead of really dealing with his own grief.) but especially here lately as Sam seems ready to blow his top at the drop of a dime and his outburst about Benny came from a place of both anger and irritability... And Dean has been pretty angry and irritable himself lately.)

• difficulty concentrating; * (Again, the fact that Sam keeps spacing out and having flashbacks doesn't seem like he's really able to consistently concentrate on much more than the past and the memories of his trauma.. Yeah the memories about Amelia seem happy but to Sam they represent a time where he thought he had just lost Dean, for good, like no getting Dean back ever, for good.. So the memories of Amelia represent losing Dean.. Having lost Dean, being without Dean.. So how happy are they exactly?.. And as far as Dean goes he also keeps living in the past and he also isn't concentrating on the present or what's right in front of him.)

• increased vigilance that may be maladaptive; (This one seems to really fut Dean lately.)

• exaggerated startle response. * ( Sam does seem kind of flighty lately.. Like he's ready to bolt at any given moment and the events of Season 8 Episode 9 "Citizen Fang." shows just how "on edge" Sam has been feeling.. He just dropped everything and ran.. Which could very well happen again, all because of something that may trigger him later down the road.)

That's FOUR out of FIVE and TWO MORE than needed for a diagnosis out of this group of symptoms.. Which when put with the totals out of the other groups of symptoms along with all of the risk factors he has.. I'd say it's a firm "YES" that Sam is a shoe in for having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (And so is Dean As Dean has THREE of FOUR symptoms from the first group of symptoms, THREE out of SEVEN symptoms out of the second group of symptoms (Which is EXACTLY how many is needed for a diagnoses of P.T.S.D.) and THREE out of FIVE symptoms from the third group of symptoms. As well as having almost all of the same risk factors as Sam.)

AND here's just a little bit more info on P.T.S.D. that may help prove my case about certain aspects of Sam's life as well as help prove that he does NOT deal very well with losing Dean or having to be "At war" almost all the time.. I mean seriously he's been being treated like a "soldier" since he was how old? And I hope that this will also go a ways to helping prove that Sam has been suicidal several times throughout the course of the history of the Series.. ANYWAY here's the info:

Suicidal feelings can arise in trauma survivors for many reasons.

For veterans, research has found that memories and guilt about

combat experiences can put someone at a greater risk of

suicide. (Wow "memories and guilt" about "combat" experiences and since MOSt of his life has been almost nothing but "combat" experiences and all the times he lost Dean counts as losing Dean "in combat".. I'd say Sam has a lot of potential to be at a great risk of suicide

Rape survivors are also more likely than the general population to attempt suicide. (If I'm right about what might have happened to Sam at Plucky Pennywhistle's Magical Menagerie and therefore right about why Sam is afraid of clowns and also right about why Sam ran away to Flagstaff then I'd say Sam has been at real risk for suicide since he was thirteen... And if I'm right about what happened to Sam in The Cage then Sam is really at a very high risk of suicide.)

Survivors of trauma during Childhood also have a higher risk of suicide than the general piblic.

Traumatic events have a very profound impact on a child's developing brain, body and sense of self. Children can carry these negative effects of trauma well into adulthood.

Children who experience chronic neglect or any kind of physical, sexual or emotional abuse struggle

in many areas of life as they are still developing the ability to process ideas, emotionally and physically, and thus express P.T.S.D. symptoms in different ways from adults. Common problems include:

• difficulty regulating their emotional reactions;

• establishing and maintaining relationships;

• controlling aggression; and/or

• low self esteem and functioning in school. (Which we aren't really shown enough of Sam's childhood to discern whether or not he did suffer from any of these symptoms as a child, we do know that John was hardly there which I believe counts as neglect (even if John was doing it out of trying to keep Sam safe) and Sam insinuated in Season 7 Episode 3 "The girl next door." that John was a violent drunk, which may also imply other types of abuse.. but most certainly tells that at the very least he was exposed to his father being drunk a lot and even if no physical abuses came out of John's drunkedness it was still neglectful of John to allow Sam to have to see him like that, which on it's own could very well count as mental and emotional abuse and we do know Sam did have problems with self esteem as a child and that he started getting really argumentative as he grew older and we do know that he had trouble making friends sometimes (Well he was always the new kid and that most likely contributed.. But that in itself could have caused traumas of it's own), which may have be enough to count as him having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a child or enough to show that he does have a foundation for having had developed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder at some point in his adult life and IF I'm right about what happened to Sam at Plucky's, why Sam's afraid of clowns and even partially right about why Sam ran away to Flagstaff, then I'd say Sam is indeed a really high risk of suicide.)

Adolescents who were abused as children are overrepresented in the juvenile justice and criminal justice system. They also have high rates of substance abuse (Like becoming addicted to demon blood?) and psychiatric illness, such as borderline personality disorder, dissociative disorder and eating disorders as well as hightened risk of suicide.

Children learn how to regulate their emotions and sense of self over time through caring relationships. When these relationships are the source of trauma for the child, they can cause confusion and lead to isolation and withdrawal. (And I think Sam's relationship with John may have been a sorce of trauma.. After all at the very least Sam must have felt like he was continually being abandonned every time John left for extended periods of time and that in itself could have caused trauma) This may weaken the child's ability to create trusting relationships later in life. Untreated childhood trauma can impact a person's life into adulthood. Children who experience child abuse or any other kind of trauma may grow into adults with P.T.S.D.

Some research has found that more than twice the number of adults with a history of child abuse or childhood trauma go on to develop symptoms of P.T.S.D. compared to those with no history of abuse or trauma. As adults, people with a long historynof childhood trauma of any kind are also at a higher risk of developing medical problems.

Some of the very symptoms of P.T.S.D.—anger, poor impulse control (Poor impulse control?.. Like trusting a demon and getting addicted to demon blood kind of poor impulse control?), a tendency to isolate or

hold in feelings (Which has both Sam and Dean written all over it)—can also increase suicide risk. People

who receive some type of treatment are statistically less likely to exhibit suicidal behavior, illustrating the importance ofgetting help for P.T.S.D. and any associated conditions like Depression.

People who have been traumatized often have conditions that co-occur with P.T.S.D.. These conditions can include depression, anxiety, sleep disorders and **substance abuse**. (Again.. Demon blood.. I can not stress the demon blood thing enough.)

Some people living with P.T.S.D. turn to alcohol (Which we know Sam did.) and drugs (Again I really must stress the demon blood thing.) in an effort to self-medicate or control the overwhelming feelings resulting from their trauma. While alcohol and drugs can appear to help reduce overwhelming anxiety in the short term, in themlong term, they contribute to worsening symptoms and make a person's recovery efforts more difficult. (And really it seems as if Sam does really struggle with recovering (Of course the fact that he keeps losing everything and the fact that he keeps losing everyone he cares about OVER AND OVER AGAIN doesn't really help matters.. And that's aside from all of the other crap that happened to traumatize Sam.

SO.. Now that you know SOME of the risk factors for developing Depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as well as some of the symptoms for both Depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I hope that it can be seen as canon that BOTH Sam AND Dean DO in fact have Depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (After all Dean DOES share several of the risk factors and he DOES have several of the symptoms to BOTH.)

* * *

~0~ A/N: **End of info.**

* * *

(Those who skipped the info can pick back up here.)

PLOT: Sam's been hiding things from Dean but a hunt for an angry spirit ends up bringing Sam's secrets to light in more ways than one.

CHARACTERS: Sam, Dean, Cas, Benny, Crowley, lots of demon henchmen, Kevin, Garth, Mrs. Tran, an angry spirit (actually more than one), possibly Naomi and other angels.

A/N: I have plenty to rant about this Season along with SEVERAL theories and ideas I'd like to share.. So keep an eye on my Author's Notes. Cause, who knows?.. My ideas might be right or my rants may be well founded.

I love all my readers.. For all you guys following some of my other unfinished stories.. YES.. I.. WILL complete them! I am currently juggling this.. I was going to write this one anyway but now I'm tailoring it to fit a request by AshleyMarie84 who is a loyal reader and reviewer to my fics "1,000 hits to the head.", "On broken wings." and "A little slice of Kevin." (Which are also not finished YET.. I stress the YET. I will finish them.), ANOTHER new story that I'm still working on the first Chapter to that I'm going to call "Remington.", the next Chapter to "Brothers just the same." (This one may be something that Cas fans will really like as I can't help but think that Castiel's big blue eyes (Sorry actually Jimmy Novak's (Castiel's vessel) big blue eyes rather) resemble Mary Winchester's big blue eyes or how his build reminds me of John.. And YES this IS a shameless self promotion.), "Childhood sweethearts.", "Nightmares from Plucky's." and SO MANY of my other unfinished stories.. And I apologize for the torturous time that the readers of those stories are spending waiting for updates. I just have problems with organizing my thoughts so when I have problems with writer's block on one story I move on to working on others I haven't finished yet or start a new one that will also take me forever to complete.. But from what I've heard it's actually a normal thing for creative people to do stuff like that.. And I am creative, so hopefully it's understandable and forgivable.

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"Because it hurts." Chapter 1.

_***"There it is.. That ole' familiar face."..*...**_

_Sam finished the last of his whiskey then turned to leave. But as he turned he was stopped, frozen like a deer in the headlights by the sight of Amelia standing right there._

_"I knew that was you." She said sounding like she might cry._

_Sam understood. Seeing her was just as emotional for him as seeing him was for her._

_For a second it was hard for him to breath and he was pretty sure that his heart may have skipped a beat. Seeing her hurt in ways he could never express. Not because he loved her and had to let her go. No it was because he realized not long after having left her to let her have a chance at being actually happy with her husband, that he hadn't really loved her. Her dad had been right. He really had just been using her as something to hold on to. If it hadn't been for her talking him into caring for Riot then her having turned out being just as broken and in need of something to hold to as him, then he would have driven off an over hundred foot sheer drop off like he'd originally had planned months ago when Riot had ran in front of him and distracted him from that plan, which had thus lead him to Amelia who was in equally as bad a place as he had been. She had helped him find the will to keep living, to keep holding on for just a little longer. For that he would forever be grateful and he'd always care about her. But he didn't love her. _

_He no longer felt that it was in his capacity to feel that deep of an emotion for anyone that hadn't already been his family when Cas and Dean exploded into a puddle of black ooze along with Dick Roman right before his eyes.. And that hadn't been anyone aside from Bobby, who was dead, Cas whose existance he had thought had been obliterated in the explosion and Dean who he had thought was killed in the eruption that had caused both Dean and Cas to disappear without a trace besides the black goo that had been left behind... And now that he'd been proven wrong about Dean's and even Castiel's deaths, Dean hated him, had found someone who had been a better brother to him in the course of a year than he himself had ever been and Cas was.. Cas was still just Cas. He was sure the angel considered him a friend, maybe even family, but he didn't know if the angel actually understood the emotions involved in real HUMAN relationships like friendship or family.. After all emotions weren't exactly always an angel's strong suit... Especially where Cas was concerned. In fact even just remembering his time with Amelia did nothing but make him remember what the pain of not having Dean anymore had felt like and since that pain was already still so raw, especially after everything that had been happening with Dean lately, actually seeing her again was causing him actual physical pain._

_But he knew he was in a predicament because Amelia looked as if she were expecting an explination, that he couldn't give, as to why he was there and whether he had really loved her or not, she had saved him and he owed her enough to give explaining himself a shot._

_"I didn't come to cause trouble.. or to make things hard for you. I just.. I wanted to stop by your place and make sure you were doing alright.. Then I realized that, that would make me look like a total stalker so I came here instead.. Needed a few drinks before I left town again." He said with a nervous chuckle._

_"Sam.. Just because we're not together anymore doesn't mean I don't still care about you... So I get it.. I do, I've been wanting to know if you were doing alright to.. I can't count how many times I almost called just so I could know.. And if I'd known where you'd run off to when you just up and disappeared the way you did I probably would've stalked around your place just to catch a glimpse of you."_

_Sam gave another nervous laugh and rubbed the back of his neck in a sheepish manner because that had been exactly what he'd done. Well of course he had cause to think she was in some kind of trouble.. But still.. He really had needed to know that she was alright._

_"So.. Are you.. Are you reconnecting with Don?.. Or.."_

_"We're back together.. But we're taking it slow.. Neither of us wants to just dive back into a relationship with.. Well It's only been a little over six months since he's been back and.".._

_"I can imagine how akward it's been." .. __**Believe me I know first hand.**__ .. He thought. "I shouldn't have come.. I've probably only made things worse." .. __**Story of my life.**__ .._

_"Sam you didn't make things.. Don understands.. And he.. He'd understand if you and I needed stay in touch. He'd be okay with us needing to talk. We've both been through some rough times lately and Don gets that."_

_Sam smiled, because Don was a good guy and of course he'd tell Amelia that it was okay if she "Stayed in touch." with the guy who had helped her keep living through a very difficult point in her life. But any man wouldn't want someone who had very nearly had his wife as their own to come barging back into his wife's life, not even as a friend. No matter what the circumstances had been and Sam was going to respect that and leave while he still could before Amelia got the wrong idea and that ended up starting trouble between her and Don later on down the road. Besides he had to many troubles with a brother that seemed to resent his very existance and a vampire that whether bad or not had killed a hunter and those things had to be addressed so he couldn't stick around and try to be "Just friends." with Amelia.. Even if he really wanted to... And he did want to.. Cause right now.. He could really use a friend._

_"I'm sure he does." Sam stated as he continued to force a truly emotionless smile "But I really do have to be going. It was nice seeing you again though. I'm glad you're doing okay and I wish only the best for you and Don."_

_Amelia looked saddened and hurt by the way he was so abruptly making his departure as he all to cooly brushed past her with a purposeful air of nonchalance. And yes, the way he was just leaving without so much as a backwards glance after having been so cold, hurt him as well, but he couldn't let it show. It was a dick thing of him to just show up saying he needed to check on her then act as if she didn't matter and he knew it. But he also knew that she'd be better off for it in the long run._

_The second he was seated in Martin's beat up old car he took out his cell phone and deleted Amelia's numbers from his contacts. This had just become yet another part of his life that he could never revisit again and it was best to just let it go, let her go, now..._

_**... FLASHBACK ...**_

_**As he blinked Sam was swept away by a truly horrifying moment.**_

_**His eyes had turned into a viscous molten liquid that was oozing from his eye sockets. He was blind again. Lucifer just loved robbing him of one or more senses at a time and today it was his sense of sight and sense of touch in every part of his body from the neck down.**_

_**He heard Lucifer laugh at him as he was left to wallow in the painful darkness for what he knew would be hours on end if not days.**_

_**Apparently though Lucifer wanted to play and Sam felt some of the binds that had been wrapped so tightly around him that they'd cut of circulation and feeling being removed, releasing a cacophony of pins and needles that shot through his right leg. But Lucifer made no move that Sam could sense, with the only senses he had left, to remove any of the other bindings. Lucifer wanted Sam's suffering to be slow and deliberate after all.**_

_**After what felt like an eternity.. And it possibly WAS an eternity.. It was The Cage after all.. Lucifer began to unwrap Sam's right arm which gave way to a new symphony of painful pins and needles radiating in time with his pulse as was the same rhythm the pain in his leg was keeping which only added to agony that Sam was feeling and in all honesty it felt shameful that the awakening of a numb limb could cause him so much pain.**_

_**But Lucifer wasn't done. This sort of torture was only an appetizer and Sam knew he'd hate today's main course.**_

_**And Sam was right. He was bound in a way he literally could not move a muscle that wasn't from the neck up, he was blind, helpless and already in shamefully severe pain when Lucifer turned the torture up a notch.**_

_**Sam had thought that the pain in his eye sockets could get no worse now that his eyes had been liquified. He had been wrong. The pain could get worse and it did. Now the pain was so horrendous that it could not be described.**_

_**His eyes felt ready to explode, which confused Sam. Because hadn't they been melted by Lucifer again only mere moments ago?**_

_**He felt hands grabbing at him unexpectantly and this is what he'd known Lucifer would eventually resort to. Lucifer never could torture him without violating him in the worst possible manners. Never one to willingly allow anyone to touch him in such ways he fought back with the best of his ability only to find himself thrashing awake and bolting upright panting harshly as soothing words from someone seemingly far away tried to put him at ease.**_

_**Sam let his breathing return to normal and soon the sound of his rapid pulse in his ears dissipated and Amelia started to sound closer.**_

_**The throbbing behind his eyes and the tingling in his right arm and right leg had followed him from his nightmare into the waking world.. And this wasn't the first time.**_

_**"Sweetie?" Amelia asked sounding concerned.**_

_**"I'm okay now. It was just a nightmare."**_

_**"Just a nightmare." She said sounding incredulous "Sam you sounded like you were being murdered!"**_

_**"It was just a bad dream. I'm fine. Honest."**_

_**"Yeah, just like last night it was just a bad dream and the night before that and the night before that and just like all those other times you're "fine" until tomorrow night when you start screaming in your sleep again. But you'll swear that it's a bad dream and that you're "fine" then to."**_

_**"I'm sorry."**_

_**"Sam.. I'm not mad. I'm worried about you. You can't keep going on like this. It's not healthy. You've suffered through a terrible loss and the pain of that is starting to affect your day to day life."**_

_**She had no idea how right she was. It had been affecting his "day to day life" long before he'd ever even met her.**_

_**"I think you should see someone."**_

_**"Whoa!.. You mean like a shrink?!" Sam asked sounding offended.**_

_**"Sam I know what you're thinking and seeing a counselor doesn't make you crazy. I had to see one after hearing that Don died. Sam I was in such a dark place that if I hadn't gone I wouldn't even be here right now."**_

_**"But I'm fine. I'm not in a dark place like that. Ames you help keep me out of all those dark places.." He knew that she wasn't really who he needed at this moment.. But who he needed couldn't be here for him, so all he really had was her..**_

_**"But Sam I'm not a professional. They have ways to help. There's medications that they can.."**_

_**"MEDICATIONS?!.. Ames.. I don't need to be medicated! I'm NOT crazy."**_

_**"Damn it Sam." Amelia growled as she pushed past him and into the bathroom. She started digging into one of cabinets and pulled out a small box and thrust it into Sam's massive hand asking "Am I crazy for needing these?"**_

_**Sam turned the small box in his hand feeling bewildered as he read the label "2 Blister packs of 2 capsules. Prozac weekly. Fluoxetine hydrochloride. Delayed release capsules. Once weekly. Each capsule equivalent to 90mg fluoxetine."..**_

_**"Once weekly?" He asked sounding interested. "You mean you don't have to?.."**_

_**"Take them everyday? No. There's choices Sam. It's not something that has to rule your life. You don't have to let needing something like these define you."**_

_**"I don't know Ames.. I mean I know that people who need anti-depressants aren't crazy. And I'm sorry for.."**_

_**"Don't be the first time someone suggested it to me I had almost the exact same reaction you did. I get it. Trust me."**_

_**"I just don't think I'm depressed. Well I'm.. It hurts that Dean is gone.. But.. It's.. And I don't know.. And what about the nightmares?.. They have nothing to do with being depressed."**_

_**"They might. I had all kinds of nightmares right after finding out Don died." Amelia replied as she gave Sam's shoulder a comforting squeeze. "And there are medications that can help with the nightmares to."**_

_**"But I just.. Will I.. Is it permanent?.. If I start taking stuff like this am I gonna have to take them for the rest of my life?"**_

_**"For a guy who went to Stanford you're not too bright." Amelia joked.**_

_**"I studied law Ames. I didn't have to think about stuff like this. And my brother would've have called me an emo girl if I'd ever said I thought I needed any of this kind of stuff."**_

_**Amelia glared at him for the emo girl comment as Sam gave a sheepish "Sorry. I'm not saying you're an emo girl. Just that's what Dean would've said about me."**_

_**Amelia was still glaring "Not that being emotional and a girl is a bad thing.. It's just what Dean would've said. To you know, tease me? He probably would've liked to pick on me for stuff like.." He held up the box that he still had in his hand "Me needing stuff like this."**_

_**"Sounds like he was real sensitive." She said sarcastically.**_

_**"He wouldn't do it to be insensitive, it would've been his way of.. Of letting me know that needing this stuff didn't change things. Of course I never would've admitted needing stuff like this to him even though I know he'd be.."**_

_**"He'd want me to get the help I need." Sam whispered as it dawned on him.**_

_**"And there it is. It took me a while to realize that Don would've wanted that for me to.. It was easier to let myself accept the help I needed once I realized Don would've wanted me to find the will to live again. And Dean would want that for you to Sam."**_

_**"So how do I?.. Where do I start?" Sam asked.**_

_**"Well I can make you an appointment with my counselor and if you don't like her you can ask her to refer you to someone else."**_

_**"I still don't think a counselor is a good idea.. There's things that I.. Some shrink is NOT going to understand what I've.."**_

_**"Just give it a try Sam. Please. You might be surprised."**_

_**"Okay. Fine. You're right. At the very least I can maybe get something to help stop the nightmares."**_

_**Amelia smiled and kissed him then said "Come on. Let's get back in bed. We've got a big day tomorrow."**_

_**... FLASHBACK ENDS ...**_

_Sam blinked away the memory.. He remembered going to the counselor.. He remembered feeling bad about wasting her time because there was so much about his life that he couldn't be honest about.. But apparently the things he had been able to be honest about was enough for the counselor to confirm that he did indeed have Depression. She also told him that he may possibly also have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a result of witnessing a loved one die a violent death (He'd told the counselor that he'd watch Dean die in an accident during the demolition of a building.. Because "I watched my brother explode." seemed to need at least some elaboration and well he couldn't have exactly told the truth._

_The counselor reffered him to a psychiatrist so that he could get the prescriptions for the proper medications and the psychiatrist had been the one to figure out that not all of his symptoms were from just the Depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The psychiatrist had been the one to reffer him to the neurologist who had diagnosed his Multiple Scleroisis and the neurologist was the one to reffer him to the cardiologist who had diagnosed his Atrial Fibrillation. He'd just gotten used to taking all of the medications that he needed to manage all of his conditions, he was actually beginning to feel a little better when the call came that Amelia's husband was alive and Sam had begun to sink back into the pit of despair despite the medications. And now.. NOW with everything that was happening with Dean.. Well Sam had stopped seeing a point in keeping up with the medications weeks ago right after Dean had said what he'd said when possessed by the Spectre as he didn't really see much point in continuing to live after that.. The only thing that had kept him from killing himself then was that he didn't have the convenience of enough time without Dean to do so.. Maybe now would be a good time?_

_Sam gave a dry chuckle at the thought of just ending his life now. He really wanted to.. But then that would leave a possibly dangerous vamp to roam unchecked and if Dean was in the right head space then he'd be telling Sam not to shirk his responsibilities again. And the last thing Sam wanted was for Dean.. HIS Dean, who HIS Dean really was when he was thinking straight, to be disappointed in him... AGAIN.. And he knew his Dean would do it, had done it, for him. So he had to at least make sure that Benny wasn't really a threat before he could carry through with his continuously aborted plans to take his own life... For now.. All he could do was call Dean back and ask were they could meet._

_**SIX WEEKS LATER...**_

When Castiel had come back in need of Sam and Dean's help with some new stunt that Crowley was pulling he had immediately picked up on the increased tension between the Winchester brothers. Cas had then summerily told Sam and Dean that he needed them bith to "Stow their crap." which in all honesty would have been hillarious to either brother in any other situation because they were both pretty sure that Cas didn't really know what he was saying meant.. It had just been sheer luck that Cas had managed to say something that had actually made sense in a commanding and authoritive tone that it had actually made sense in. And being as they were needed Sam and Dean did in fact "stow their crap" for that time being at least and once again all attempts to stop Crowley from whatever he was up to had failed and then Sam and Dean were right back to where they'd been when Cas had shown up, so the angel had stayed and had been trying to help rebuild bridges between Sam and Dean to no avail ever since.

No amount of talking could make either brother see what was really going on with the other and Cas knew that if things didn't change soon then the outcome would be disasterous.

Dean seemed to like continuously shutting Sam out by making it obvious how he preffered Castiel's company over Sam's and soon Sam was riding in the back of the Impala instead of in his usual seat by Dean's side. Which as much as Cas enjoyed getting to sit up front he hadn't wanted it to come at this cost. Then things progressed as Sam grew quieter and quieter and more and more distant, suddenly Sam wasn't eating at the same table as Dean, and that's only if he was eating at all and because Cas never slept he became aware of how much trouble Sam was having with sleep. Things were getting to a boiling point.. Fast and neither of the Winchester brothers could see it happening.

Things looked like they might change for the better when on a hunt in Wyoming Sam extended an olive branch and told Dean that if Dean wanted Benny to join them then he'd be willing to fly a flag of truce with Benny for Dean's sake unless the vampire got out of hand and Dean had cordially accepted. For a little less than two weeks Sam and Dean's bond seemed like it was on the mend, then Benny saved Dean's life again and Sam was cast back into the lonely shadows as Dean was once again treating Sam as if he could never be good enough and Sam began to wilt once more.

**PRESENT DAY... **

Garth had called needing help with a hunt so after Dean explained the situations with Benny being a vampire and Cas being an angel and made sure that Garth was cool with having Benny and Cas around he, Benny, Cas and Sam headed to Atlantic City, New Jersey and Dean couldn't have been more happy to be going to a place where he could fatten up their cash supply.

Garth told Dean that he'd already booked three rooms at the "Black Jack Inn" so that when they pulled into town all they had to do was unpack.

Dean talked Benny into sleeping somewhere else besides his "rolling deathtrap" for a few days and so Benny was going to share a room with Dean instead of Sam.. Which Cas honestly thought that Dean was taking isolating Sam as what Cas thought was an undeserved, punishment, a bit to far.. But Dean wouldn't listen to him...

The day after settling in Garth caught everyone up to speed.

Apparently there had been several attacks on several people all over Atlantic City.. But the attacks looked like the work of an angry spirit.. But the issue was the fact that the attacks where so wide spread and so seemingly broad spectrum that it wasn't a usual case of a salt and burn.. No, this looked like there may be another spectre at work... And unfortunately they had no way of knowing who the spirit was or what sort of object it may be possessing. The only way to get any leads was to talk to the victims who had survived the attacks and to all of the hunters' dismay, the only ones to survive the attacks were either completely catatonic or in comas...

With no way to talk to the only people who might have any useful info the group split up. Benny and Cas went with Dean and Sam teamed up with Garth.

Sam came across a chance lead that guided him to a ritzy, upscale hotel called the Rodagran and apparently Dean had come across a similar lead as Dean, Benny and Cas showed up at the hotel as well.

What Sam didn't know was that Garth had sent a text to Benny that told him about the lead and the two conspired to end up splitting off to force Dean to work with Sam.

Benny said he'd help Garth as someone who actually had their head in the game had to watch the skinny nerd's back (Benny played it off like he was insulting Sam to try and get some sort of brotherly response from Dean.. But it was to no avail.) and Cas was "suddenly" needed to go watch after the Trans. Meaning if Dean wanted back up he had to settle for Sam.

Garth and Benny took the ninth floor while Sam and Dean took the fifteenth floor as they were the floors the leads pointed to.

Dean stayed a good distance from Sam.. He couldn't stand having Sam in his space at the moment.. It had been that way for a while and it was beginning to fester.. It was becoming something dark within Dean.

Suddenly the temperature dropped. Dean let out a breath and could see how his breath became a mist in the cold. It signaled the spectre was near.

Dean had a dark thought and he gave Sam a look that would tell Sam exactly what it needed to convey "_It's my turn to let something get you._" then he closed a door that stood between him and Sam and locked Sam in the room with the spectre.. He didn't even know why he'd done that.. Yes he was still pissed at Sam.. But he'd never do something so unprofessional even if he were working with his worst enemy.

The second Sam was on the other side of the closed door the entire fifteenth floor erupted into flames.

Dean called Benny's cell and told him he needed him and Garth to get up there because Sam was trapped.. Of course he left out the fact that Sam was trapped because of him.

Apparently it wasn't just the fifteenth floor that was on fire.. But the whole hotel was going up in flames. Benny and Dean managed to break down the door to the room Sam was trapped in, just in time to see part of the ceiling collapse and land on top of Sam.

A white mist formed near Sam and Benny, Sam and Dean found themselves unable to move. The spirit flickered and took on more of a shape as it hovered over Sam's limp body, it reached out it's hand and caresses Sam's temple in an almost loving and sympathetic fashion then flickered back out and disappeared.

Dean scanned the rubble that was left in the wake of the fire, there were no signs of the spirit, it was just him, Garth, Benny and Sam.

Benny nodded that he would watch would watch everyone's backs while Garth and Dean hoisted the collapsed beam off of Sam.

Once the heavy metal beam was removed from on top of the unconscious Sam, Dean knelt down beside his little brother and started checking for signs of life.

"He's not breathing." Garth whispered in horror from Sam's other side.

Dean felt around Sam's neck for the thrumming of a pulse. There wasn't one.

"Help me get him flat on his back and tilt his head back." Dean ordered sternly.

Garth helped roll Sam to his back and then tilted Sam's head back as Dean instructed.

"Do you know C.P.R.?" Dean asked.

"Yeah." Garth answered sounding shaky.

"Start chest compressions. I'll breath for him. Benny call nine-one-one."

"On it brother." Benny replied as Garth stared chest compressions.

By the time the ambulance arrived, ten minutes had passed, it had been well past the amount of time that a time of death should have been called, but Dean wasn't giving up on Sam.

The paramedics managed to defibulate Sam's heart back into an unsteady rythm, but Dean counted that as a win because at least Sam's heart was beating again.

Dean tossed Benny the keys to the Impala and told him and Garth to go get Cas then to meet him and Sam at the hospital. Benny and Garth both nodded and rushed to do as they were told as Dean climbed up into the ambulance to sit as close to his little brother as the paramedics would allow.

The second the ambulance sqreeched to a stop in the ambulance dock of the hospital, everything turned to chaos. Apparently four other ambulances were also unloading other criticaly injured people that had been hurt in the fires that the angry spirit had caused in the business district. Sam was pulled away by three medical personel while the other four people were being pulled away from their shock stricken loved ones by teams of medical personel of their own.

Dean tried to stay close to Sam and when a nurse pulled him away from Sam's side and started ushering him into the waiting room, Dean echoed the distraught people around him when he cried "You don't understand. He's my family."

But he wasn't aware that everyone who was in there with him right then and there had said nearly the exact same thing about their loved ones, for he only had eyes and ears for anything that might be about Sam. He felt that he should be by his brother's side despite whatever the nurse who was pushing him into the waiting room with all of those other families was saying.

When all of the obligatory paper work was finally placed in Dean's hands all Dean could feel was anger at himself for what he'd done to Sam and when Benny and Garth arrived with Cas in tow Dean was no longer aware of very much more than his feelings of guilt...

And when the doctor came into the waiting room and gave him the news about some medical conditions that Sam had and then told him about Sam slipping into a coma all Dean could feel was despair...

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A/N: So?.. What does everyone think so far?


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: So.. It's after** THE MAYAN DOOMSDAY**.. Everyone can definitely come out of their bunkers now... ;-)

A/N: SO.. VERY **VERY** SORRY that it's taken me so long to update.. I lost my internet (Again) (My husband promises to get it turned back on as soon as possible.. But it's SERIOUSLY expensive, especially in our circumstances.. So right now I'm using a library computer where I only get to use it ONCE a day for ONE HOUR a day.. So hopefully I'll eventually (Most likely VERY SLOWLY.. Again SO SORRY!) be able to catch up on all the updates I'm needing to do..

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|"Because it hurts."| |Chapter 2.|

Dean felt swallowed by despair as he found out that Sam lay in a coma. He gave a few stiff nods of understanding as the doctor explained how Sam had some underlying medical conditions that had helped contribute to not only Sam's earlier cardiac arrests, but also Sam's current state.

Dean ran a hand through his hair then walked back to the others with his head hung in shame.

"Is he gonna be okay?" Garth asked.

"He's in a coma." Dean replied.

"Is it because the spirit touched him?" Benny asked.

"I don't know." Dean admitted. "According to the doctor Sam has some medical conditions that might have contributed to what's wrong with him now."

"What kind of conditions?" Garth asked.

"Well they had to do an M.R.I. on him because of the way the beam landed on him... He's taken lots of severe hits to the head before.. There's so many times I should have..."

"Does Sam have brain damage?" Garth asked sounding really concerned.

"Some.. Most of it looks to be from what happened today, but god only knows how old the rest of it is or what sorts of symptoms he's been suffering because of it.. But that wasn't all that was found on Sam's brain scans."

"What else was there?" Benny asked.

"It's not a tumor or something like that is it?" Garth asked.

"No, Sam has lesions on his brain."

"What caused them?" Garth asked.

"The doctor is pretty sure that Sam has Multiple Sclerosis."

"Geez, brother that's.." Benny started to say.

"Oh that's not all." Dean stated sounding angry. "Sam has a heart condition to and the heart condition would have been manageable if found sooner and dealt with properly, but now it's become a life threatening condition that caused Sam to have two massive heart attacks, he went into Cardiac Arrest three times and he had a Hemorrhagic Stroke.. Which could really screw him up when added in with all the damage to his brain that was already there.. The doctor said that Sam might not wake up and if he does.. He could be severely impaired."

Garth put a hand to his mouth and made a sympathetic noise before saying "What do you need us to do?"

"Cas... Is there any way you can?.. Dean asked with a choked sob.

"I can attempt to heal Sam, but there is only so much that even a Seriph can do."

"Please try." Dean cried as the tears he'd been fighting to hold back finally began to fall.

"Can we go with you two to see him?" Garth asked.

Right now Dean was actually gratefull for the scrwany nerd's emppathy. The way Garth wanted to nothing but help both of his friends really reminded Dean of Sam and it helped endear Garth to him in that moment.

"Yeah. I'd really appreciate it." Dean replied as he wiped his eyes.

Dean froze in the doorway to Sam's room and Garth, Benny and Cas were blocked from entering as Dean stood there bracing himself in the door frame. "What the hell?" Dean growled.

The other three tried to see past Dean but the way Dean was brething signaled that he was pissed and soon the pther three slowly backed off as Dean growled out "Who the hell did this to my brother?"

Garth's curiousity won out over his need to see the next day because now he was trying to edge around a positively murderous Dean to try and see inside the room.

Luckily for Garth, Dean didn't start swinging, he just grabbed the door frame even tighter instead as Garth managed to steal a peak of Sam laying in the hospital bed.

At first nothing seemed amiss.. But of course with the way Dean was about Sam.. The fact that just a single strand of Sam's hair was out of place might've been all it had taken to set Dean off like this.

But then Garth's eyes adjusted to the harsh sunlight filtering into Sam's room and soon he could see more of the features on the once the mostly shadowy form that was Sam's face.

On Sam's left cheek someone had taken a knife, scapel or some other sharp instrument and carved into Sam's flesh. The carving was of a number "2" which made no sense to Garth.. Because.. WHY would someone do that to a person who lay in a coma?.. In fact.. Why would someone do that to anyone at all?

"I'll go get the doctor." Garth said in a hurried gasp of disdain for whoever had hurt his friend.

"What's going on?" Benny asked in his cajun drawl as he rushed after Garth.

"Someone carved into Sam's face!" Garth stated angrily as he walked with purposeful speed that told of how pissed he was.

"Who the hell would do such a thing?" Benny asked in obvious disgust.

"I don't know. But I hope Sam's doctor has a good proctologist, cause he's gonna need one to help get my foot out of his ass." Garth replied in a snarl.

"Well now I'd like to give the doc a beatin just cause he didn't stop this from happening to Sam. But we have to keep our cool or else we'll end up tossed from the hospital." Benny said matter of factly.

Garth let out a defeated sigh and said "You're right."

Just then they rounded the corner and almost bumped into Sam's doctor.

"Something's just happened to our friend Sam Taylor and his brother wants an explination. NOW." Garth demanded.

"What do you mean? I was just in there with Sam.."

Just then alarms from Sam's room started blaring and Garth, Benny and the doctor went running to Sam' room.

Now there were more carvings and they were on Sam's left temple and both Garth and Benny knew damn well that Dean and Cas were the only ones there and that neither of them would ever do something like this to Sam.

"What in GOD'S name happened here? Who did this?" The doctor demanded.

"That's what we were hoping you could tell us." Garth said in exasperation as even more slices were carved into the flesh of Sam's left forearm right before everyone's eyes.. Including the doctor's.

The doctor rushed to Sam's side as other medical personel made there way into the room.

People were jostling and shoving to jokey for position as the medical staff tried to work around the people who were refusing to leave Sam's side and the doctor was no help because any time any of the other medical staff tried to usher Dean, Garth, Benny or Cas out of the room the doctor would sternly bite out the words "They stay." then proceed to continue working on getting Sam's vitals as stable as possible.

Once the alarms were no longer blaring and the doctor was satisfied that Sam was in as good as condition that could be hoped for he ushered everyone but Dean, Garth, Benny and Cas out of the room.

"Tell me I wasn't the only one to see what just happened." The doctor demanded in a hushed tone that said he feared for his own sanity along with the fact that he feared that just admitting that he saw what he saw was going to cost him his career.

"We saw." Dean replied all too cooly. "Now can you explain what just happened?"

"How am I suppossed to explain that?.. You said you saw it to.. The cuts just formed out of thin air!" The doctor hissed in a bewildered tone. Just then another slice appeared on the left corner of Sam's forhead, then another and soon "11,958" was carved into Sam's left temple as the next slices formed on Sam's left forearm again to form "14,387".

"Dear Lord they're numbers!" The doctor exclaimed to more to himself than anyone else, in fact the doctor had seemed to forget that anyone else was in the room besides him and Sam because he was in shock from seeing what not every rational mind can explain unless that rational mind knew about the existence of all the very real_ things _in the world.

"Any idea what they could mean?" Dean asked sternly as he looked around the room waiting for anyone to offer an explanation.

Everyone shook their heads "No." because all of them honestly had no clue.

More slices began to form on Sam's right forearm and Garth noticed how Sam's face made a grimace of pain. "Is he in pain?" Garth asked.

"Well research shows that coma patients do react to pain stimuli." The doctor replied.

"So my brother's feeling all of this?" Dean growled.

Just then blood began to seep through Sam's hospital gown above Sam's chest.

Dean pulled the fabric of the hospital down to reveal more slices on the center of Sam's chest. After several agonizing slices into Sam's skin the number "135,764,389,474" finally formed on the space in the center of Sam's chest.

And as those slices formed numbers even more slices began to form on Sam's right forearm until the number "192" was carved into the flesh on Sam's right forearm.

The doctor who had already paled so much that he was whiter than a piece of white copy paper looked like he was on the verge of passing out. But he still moved with purpose to try to stop the bleeding of all the wounds that had formed and that were continuing to form as well as the ones that were continuously appearing at random. Each time a slice formed in a new area the carvings would continue until a ledgible number was sliced into that area of Sam's skin, while others sporatically formed in other locations on Sam's body and those slices would also continue until numbers were carved into those spaces.

"634,977,986" was carved into the space of skin on Sam's bottom lip. While "3,247" was carved into Sam's right temple.

Just as new slices where being formed in the flesh of the areas of Sam's left Pectoral Muscle and on the flesh in the middle of Sam's forehead, Garth's phone started to ring. Dean shot Garth a murderous scowl and Garth took that as a cue that he had better leave the room because Dean hated his ring tones at the best of times and right now Bobby Brown's "My Perogative." was going to get him killed. But it was an important call that Garth had to take while in Dean's pressence because that particular ring tone meant that one of the local hospitals was calling "Marshall Baxter" about one of the coma patients that had survived an attack by the spirit and Dean would need to know what was going on.

"You're saying that someone has been attacking Ms. Trunestead? How so?" Garth asked. Now his conversation had Dean's, Benny's and Castiel's attention

"Someone's cut her up?" Garth repeated what he heard to the others as he gave them a face of bewilderment. "They carved numbers all over her skin?" Now Dean was marching at Garth with intent. Dean snatched the phone from Garth and growled out "This is Marshall Taylor, I'm working on this case with Marshall Baxter and I want you to tell me everything you know, right now."...

By the time the sun rose the following morning Garth had recieved sixteen more calls all saying the same thing about some of the other coma patients and unfortunately four of those calls had informed him that some of the coma patients had died. Also Sam's skin had new numbers carved in various places by the time the sun rose and that plus all the new information on most of the coma patients that had survived an attack by the spirit had Dean in a rage filled panic.

"We need to figure out what all the people that the spirit has attacked have in common." Dean demanded. "Garth you go to all the hospitals the victims are in. I want you to talk to their families, their friends, everyone you can find that even knows the victims. Benny I want you to use some of your thieving skills to get a look at all of the victims' medical records and see if any of them are conected that way. Cas I need you to stay with me and see if you can help with healing any of the things that are wrong with Sam."

Benny and Garth both nodded and left the room to go do as they were told and Cas went to Sam's side and started trying to heal Sam's various ailments.

"I can't heal any of it." Cas stated with sorrow. "There's nothing I can do."

Dean was about to demand that Cas keep trying until Sam was back to a hundred percent when suddenly his phone rang.

"Dean, I just got a call. One of the surivors is awake." Said Garth in an relieved tone. "Maybe that means that Sam will be okay to."

"Is the survivor who woke up one of the ones that has numbers carved into their skin?" Dean asked.

"Yeah and from what I understand she told her doctor that she knew what they meant but she wouldn't tell him what they meant or how she knew because she was afraid he wouldn't believe her."

"You go talk to all the people who know the victims like I asked you to. I'm gonna go talk to the vic that just woke up. Which one of them is she?" Dean asked.

" ." Garth replied. "She's in the Fairlake Memorial Hospital room five-o-two."

"Got it." Dean said as he jotted down the information. "Cas I need you to stay with Sam. Don't let anyone but his doctor in the room, we don't need too many questions and call me if there's any change in his condition or if more carvings start forming."

"Sammy." Dean said in a soothing voice as he placed his hand on Sam's right cheek because so far it was the only spot on Sam's face that hadn't been carved into. "I just want you to know that I.. I.."

"I gotta go try to figure out why the spirit targeted you so I can figure out how to help you come out of this coma and as soon as.. There's a lot of things I need to tell you when you wake up Sammy. Some of them are things I should have said a long time ago and one of them is something that I never should have stopped saying."

"I'll be back Sammy. So please don't.. Don't go anywhere. Okay kiddo?" Dean whipered. Then he gave Cas a look and said "Don't let him out of your sight.".

After Cas said he wouldn't leave Sam's side for anything Dean exited Sam's room and headed for the parking lot. He hoped like hell that this Ms. Trunestead lady really had the answers he needed because Sam's life might literally depend on it...

~0~

Upon arriving at the visitor's desk at the Fairlake Memorial Hospital Dean flashed his U.S. Marshall's badge then he headed for Ms. Trunestead's room.

When he was just around the corner from her room he heard the obviously irritated voice of a woman saying "I already told you people that I can't remember anything."

Not only did that feminine voice sound irritated, but it sounded very european and very familiar..

"You have got to be joking." Both Dean and the woman laying in the hospital bed said in unison as Dean entered the room.

"U.S. Marshall boys. I need a word with." Dean gave the woman in the hospital bed a wrathful snear as he growled out "Ms. Trunestead.. In private."

The local police that had been there to question the woman who laid in the bed gave simultaneous groans of defeat as they left the room and shut the door behind them.

"Alright Bella." Dean snarled "You better start talking or so help me.."

"Go away Dean. It's none of your business." Bella stated somberly as she turned to face away from him.

"Oh you better believe that it's my business. Why aren't you on a rack, roasting somewhere in the flames of Hell where you belong?"

"I never went to Hell. Apparently I never even really made a legitament deal.. I was tricked into believing that I had so that those bastards could use me. They needed a human to do the things they couldn't and I was the perfect sap. The night my deal would have come due I found I'd been given a second chance at life."

"Yeah right..I'm not buying it and second chance or not I will start ripping you to pieces like the Hellhounds should've if you don't start talking. What ever you've gotten mixed into this time has put my brother in the hospital. He's in a coma because of you."

"You think all this is happening because of me?" Bella asked incredeously.

"Hell yes I do. Sam is in a coma like every other person who survived an attack by this spirit. He's even got numbers carved into different spots of his skin like some of the other survivors. So you better tell me what's going on. What'd you do Bella, mess with some kind of cursed object this time? Cause whatever you did set a pissed off spirit lose and it's hurt and killed several innocent people."

"I didn't do this. I haven't messed with anything from the supernatural realm ever since I got a second chance."

"You can quit it with the second chance crap."

"It's true Dean. And I swear the second I realized my life was my own again I started turning things around in my life. I'm no longer a thief, I no longer mess with things I never had any business messing with I'm a completely.."

"If you say that you're a completely different person so help me I will start beating the living hell out of you." Dean snarled.

"Go ahead." Bella said in a challenging voice "I'm sorry about what's happened to Sam, but I'm not going to help you and if that means you'll kill me then do it."

"Still the same cold bitch you always were." Dean stated venomously.

Bella gave a sigh and said "It's just you won't.. You wouldn't believe anything I can tell you anyway."

"That's for damn sure. But right now you're the only survivor to wake up. So talk."

"First off. From what I know each number is a number of times that something happened to a person and where it's carved... It's hard to explain.. There's things I'd have to tell you that I'm not comfortable with anyone knowing about me.. But it's the only way I can make it make any sense."

"Well I haven't got all day. My brother could die because of this thing!" Dean snarled out through clenched teeth. "So whatever issues you've got, you better get over them and tell me what I need to know! NOW!"

Bella gave a nod and Dean could see the tears start to form in her eyes but he wasn't moved. He knew Bella was a viperous bitch that could turn on the crocodile tears whenever she wanted. She drew in a shaky breath and began to speak.

"I could feel the slices forming on my flesh. There was a voice in my head that told me what each number meant as it was carved. It told me the story behind the numbers. Each was a story I already knew. The first cuts where made on my left thigh." Bella pushed the cover down and pulled her hospital gown to the side to reveal the number "13,145" carved into her left thigh.

"This is the number of times I was raped before I turned eighteen." Bella stated sounding numb as she hid her face in her hands.

"When I argued that there was no possible way it could have happened so many times the voice told me that everyday since I was six up until I turned fourteen really added up and that since my father let three of his friends join the fun on most days sometimes making it a total of at least four times a day and that's when they all only felt like using me once a piece.. Well it really added up... This." Bella said with a shuddering cry as she rolled enough to show Dean the back of her left thigh where the number "11,897" was carved "Is how many times they sodomized me."

Dean couldn't see her face but he could hear the tears in her voice and he knew her tears were genuine and that she was telling the truth.

"This." Bella held a hand to her left cheek where the number "8,768" was carved "Is the number of times my father hit me.. I was hit by him up to four times a day.. Most of the times he hit me was because I always tried to fight back when he and his friends.. And this.." She rubbed her right cheek where the number "3" was carved "Is how many times my mother hit me.. She slapped me and called me a lying whore every time I tried to tell her what my father was doing..."

"After the last time she hit me I shut down and stopped trying to tell her. That night my father came to me alone and.. He never stopped no matter how much I fought or begged or cried.. I couldn't take anymore.."

"The next day after school I stopped at the park that was on my way home.. I sat on the swing and decided that I would never go back home.. I was going to run away and then out of nowhere there's suddenly this little girl who's sitting on the swing next to me. And she tells me she can take care of it for me. I thought she was sent by GOD.. I thought she was an angel sent to save me even when her eyes flashed red I thought she was only there to help. I thought she was only going to make my father stop, or make my mother believe me, so I said yes and she gave me this evil smile that said she was nothing but cruel and suddenly I didn't think she was so benevolent anymore. I felt very afraid and ran home."

"The very next day both my parents died and so did all three men who.. And as relieved as I was to not have to live like that anymore I knew that my family was dead because of me.. I never wanted them to die.. I just wanted it to stop.. I began to hate myself because I was the reason they were dead and I tried telling anyone who would listen how their deaths were my fault, but no one understood..."

"I got sent away for a few years because everyone thought I was crazy... But I knew that I wasn't crazy.. That little girl really did come to me in the park and I somehow knew that it wasn't really a little girl.. She wasn't.. I knew she wasn't human.."

"When I turned eighteen I was released from the home for troubled youths that I'd been sent to live in. Then I received my inheritence. I could've done anything I wanted with my life but that money felt tainted with my mother's and father's blood so I only used what I absolutely needed to stay alive at first. I did as much research as possible trying to figure out what sort of being had come to me when I was a child.. I ended up figuring out that it had been a Crossroads Demon and so I started thinking that I had inadvertantly sold my soul.. And as much as I felt I deserved to be punished for what I had done I didn't want to have to go to Hell.. And then I realized I only had six years to figure a way out so I started doing everything in my power to appease the Crossroads Demon who had made the deal for a chance to barter back my soul only to find that Crossroads Demon that had made the deal with me wouldn't be the one to own my contract."

"The night my deal would have come due I heard a Hellhound baying.. I'd been hallucinating and everything.. So I thought surely I was about to be ripped to shreads when the clock struck Midnight. Then a Hellhound burst into my room, but it made no move to kill me. Suddenly this short, round fellow appears behind the Hellhound and tells me that a mistake was made and that my contract was Null and Void.. My soul was my own again. I asked how. He said that even demons had rules and there are very clear rules that they're not allowed to make deals with anyone under the age of consent. Then he told me that since I'd never kissed the demon I'd never sealed the pact anyway, so even if I had been over eighteen the deal still wouldn't have been legitament... I realized how lucky I was and turned over a new leaf after that. I've been trying to live under the radar ever since.. And now this." She cried.

"This." She whispered as she placed a hand to the bend on the right side of her neck where another number was carved "Is all the times I've felt guilty about the things I've done."

Dean gave a stiff nod of understanding. He wanted to be sympathetic.. But Sam was the sensitive one. Sam was the one who was better at these sorts of things. Dean was almost always at a loss when it came to trying to help others through their pain.

"What about the other numbers?" Dean asked reluctantly. Suddenly he didn't want to cause her any more pain.

"This is how many times I was neglected." Bella replied as she put her hand to her left temple where the number "17,685" was carved into her skin "I guess that since I was being raped everyday, sometimes several times a day and the damage it did was never taken care of, plus the fact my mother didn't listen and no one ever cared to hear what I had to say after my mom and dad died all counted as times I was neglected... And this.." She pointed to her right temple "Is how many times I was abandoned by my family."

"This." Bella put her hand to the center of her chest "Is how many times I've had my heart broken... And this.." Bella pulled her hospital gown over to reveal her right thigh "Is how many times I was raped after I turned eighteen.. And the number on my top lip is how many times... It's how many times I was orally raped as a child.." She said with a humiliated whine as she burried her face in her hands again. "And the number on my bottom lip is how many times.. After I turned eighteen." She sobbed.

"There's another number on my chest here." Bella said as she placed a hand to her right breast. "It's how many secrets I used to have... But now I've told you most of them. So they're no longer secrets."

"What about the numbers on your arms?"

"The number on my left arm is how many times I thought about suicide while the number on my right is the one time I was successful.. I was ten and had just tried to tell my mom what was happening for a second time and when she hit me I.. I.. It actually hurt me worse than anything that my father could ever do to me.. I took a few handfuls of some of my mom's Valium and took like six drinks of my dad's whiskey to make sure it was done right... While the doctors worked to try to save my life, my heart gave out and stopped beating, they couldn't get it beating again for seven whole minutes.. So I guess technically I was dead.. The number on my right bicep is how many times I only got as far as an attempted suicide."

Bella wept as she continued "The number on the center of my forehead is how many things that are wrong with me because of all the things that have happened to me throughout my life."

"What sorts of things?" Dean asked as he tried to keep his own tears from falling. Yes, once upon a time he had REALLY, HATED Bella.. Well okay.. Once upon like fifteen minutes ago he had still really hated her, but now that he knew even just part of her story he understood why she had become the way she had been almost five years ago and he couldn't bring himself to hate her anymore.

"I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Depression."

"That's two things. You have the number nine hundred fifty-two carved into the center of your forhead."

"I don't think there's classifications to diagnose all the ways my mind and spirit are broken because of all the things that happened to me." Bella replied with a shaky sob.

"I felt every cut and every time the voice spoke and made me remember what each number represented I felt the pain of everything that ever happened as if it was happening all over again.. It made me feel it all even more intensely than when it happened, all the pain.. All the guilt, the loneliness, the heartbreak, the sadness.. All of the despair."

"I've told you everything I know. Now please.. Just leave me alone." She whimpered and Dean could hear the frightened little girl that still hid inside her crying out for her father to leave her alone and he felt angry for all the ways she had suffered.

Dean swallowed the lump in his throat then he gave a stiff nod as he turned to leave the room. The second he was out in the parking lot he knelt down next to his beloved Impala and vomited out all of the contents of his stomach as it hit him what some of the numbers that were carved into Sam's flesh might mean...

He needed to know and he wanted to know now. So he broke the speed limit driving back the hospital Sam was in.

~0~

Luckily a speeding Impala hadn't been enough to attract the attention of the local police and Dean raced to Sam's room to find Castiel exactly the way he had left him. Apparently the angel had taken not letting Sam out of his sight very seriously as Cas was staring at Sam without even blinking and honestly Dean found it a little creepy.

Just as Dean entered the room Sam made a face that said he was in pain again and Dean started to search for new cuts in Sam's skin. This time the cuts were forming in the middle of Sam's forehead to complete the number "279,864,389,574"

"Oh god." Dean cried in a shaky breath. "How the hell are all these numbers so high?"

Dean looked at the number on Sam's bottom lip and remembered what the numbers on Bella's bottom lip had represented and suddenly he felt like he was going to vomit again. Just then Sam made another pained face and Dean looked for where any new cuts might be forming only to see blood start running from under Sam's lower half.

"No." Dean stated in stern denial. "No.. Not you Sammy.. Please god tell me you haven't ever been.."

Dean clenched his fist and let out an angry cry as he pulled back the blanket. He rolled Sam jus enough to get a look at the back of Sam's left thigh to see the number "2" carved into the back of Sam's thigh.

"NO!" Dean wailed "God please no not this."

"Dean what is it?" Castiel asked.

Dean couldn't answer because he felt like he was about to hyperventilate because as he cleaned the cut on the back of Sam's left thigh more cuts began to form on the FRONT of Sam's left thigh until the number "4" was formed and now Dean was ready to go berserk as another cut began to form on Sam's top lip.

"I need to know if Sam was ever.. Do you know if he was ever?.. I mean you took all of his crazy away so you had to have seen some of the things that were in his mind.. So can you tell me if he's ever been?.." Dean choked out the words "Do you know if Sam's ever been raped?"

Everyone knew that when it came to expressions that Castiel didn't have many, but now the angel bore a clearly shocked expression as he said "I thought it was something that people weren't supposed to talk about."

Dean visibly deflated, then sunk to the floor and began to cry until his body was wracked by sobs. "Tell me Cas. Tell me everything you know. I need to know."

"Everything I saw was from Sam's time in The Cage.. Dean there is no way that you could even begin to comprehend the magnitude of everything that.."

"Tell me." Dean growled.

"Please understand.. I only caught glimpses.. I don't even know the full extent..."

"TELL ME!" Dean commanded. "Tell me everything you can.. Just please tell me." Dean cried in a whisper.

"I only know that Lucifer and four other Princes of Hell split Sam into several thousands of multiple selves and that they violated several of those multiples of Sam in unspeakable ways numerous times. I also know that Michael tried to keep every part of Sam as safe as possible, but The Cage is infinite and it's Lucifer's domain so Michael continuously failed to keep any part of Sam away from them."

As Castiel spoke more blood began to form on the bed.

"Dean he's bleeding again." Cas stated worriedly.

Dean was on his feet and by Sam's side in a flash. The blood was coming from under Sam's right leg so Dean rolled Sam enough to see the back of Sam's right thigh where the number "1,267,953,871" was carved into Sam's flesh. And just as Dean finished cleaning those cuts more appered on Sam's top lip to reveal the number "2" and Dean ran to the bathroom. He barely made it to the toilet in time to release the bile and stomach acid that was being expelled from an otherwise empty stomach.

"Dean." Cas beckonned from the room.

"No." Dean groaned.

"I can't.. I can't." He panted in a breathless plea. "I don't know how to deal with something like this."

"Dean." Castiel said in a commanding tone "Sam needs you. Right NOW."

Despite the fact that his head was spinning and he felt weak in the knees Dean struggled to a stand. If he felt like this from just knowing about only SOME of the things that Sam had gone through then he could only imagine how Sam was feeling right now. Thinking about how Sam might be feeling only made Dean feel even worse because Sam had obviously been through so much and Dean couldn't even begin to fathom what having gone through things like that might have done to Sam's mind, body and soul.

Much to Dean's relief there were no new cuts yet. But Sam looked distressed as he hoarsely cried out for Dean in a voice that couldn't get any louder than a raspy whisper.

"Sammy?" Dean pleaded and he hoped his voice could break through the depths of Sam's unconsciousness so that Sam could find his way out of the darkness. "Sammy I'm here. I'm not gonna leave you."

Sam made one more fruitless attempt at rousing but then he was forced to surccome to oblivion once again.

"What am I supposed to do?" Dean asked in a shaky voice "How do I help you Sammy?"

More blood began to seep through the fabric of Sam's hospital gown in the area of Sam's chest and even more blood came from the front of Sam's right thigh.

"STOP HURTING MY BROTHER YOU BASTARD!" Dean shouted at the seemingly empty air that surrounded Sam.

Dean felt so helpless as he watched more blood spring from the back of Sam's left hand as more slices appeared simultaneously with the ones that were completing the number "1,762,953,842" on the front of Sam's right thigh.

"Bella didn't have any numbers on her hand." Dean whispered sounding frustrated as he clenched his fists. "What the hell could these mean?"

Dean's phone started ringing and when Dean pulled it from his pocket Benny's number appeared on the caller I.D..

"What'd you find on your end?" Dean asked the second he answered his phone.

"So far every survivor whose records I've checked all have had some kind of mental illness like anxiety disorders, Depression.."

"Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?" Dean interupted.

"Yeah. That and ten out of the sixteen I've checked out so far had some kind of problems with substance abuse that derived from one or another of their mental illnesses.

"Substance abuse?" Dean asked. Suddenly he had an idea what the number that was beginning to form on Sam's left hand might mean. "I need you to call Garth and find out if any of the survivors with substance abuse has numbers carved into their left hands."

The number "3" finished forming on Sam's left hand and Dean started doing the math in his head if it did represent what he thought it did then maybe it wasn't how many times that Sam had drank demon blood because he knew for a fact of at least four times that Sam had drank demon blood. So maybe it was the number of things Sam had become addicted two?.. Dean did the math well demon blood was one and Sam had once admitted to having a drinking problem.. So what was the last thing that Sam had become addicted to?

"After you do that." Dean continued "I need you to compair the numbers on their left hands with the number of substances they've abused or how many addictions they've had. If you can."

"Got it. So I take it ya have a theory on what the numbers mean." Benny stated.

"Well for now a theory is all it is. I need to know everything I can about all the victims before I can know it's more than that. For now I want you and Garth to comb through EVERY victim's past and poke around for any hints that any of the people the spirit has attacked suffered any kind of abuse as children. I also need you both to find out if any of the victims ever made any aligations of being sexually assualted.."

"Whoa.. Hold on.. Are you saying that Sam's been?.."

"Like I said all I have for now is a theory. But the one victim to wake up said that's what some of the numbers represented for her and it's a lead.. So we have to follow it. Just.. Just find out if any of the other victims have any other things in common. Also I need for Garth to make sure he documents the numbers that are carved into the flesh of all the other victims and each of their locations so that I can compair the numbers with what you both find out about them using the info "Ms Trunestead" gave me. Also another thing to look for.. I want you to see if you can find out if any of the victims were ever suicidal."

"Alright brother I'm on it." Benny stated as he hung up.

According to the number that had just been carved on Sam's right pectoral muscle Sam had a lot of secrets.. Well over a few billion in fact if the carvings in Sam's flesh and where it was located meant the same thing for Sam as it had for Bella.

"Most of this has to be from The Cage." Dean whispered sorrowfully as he tenderly cleaned and bandaged the cuts "It has to be.. But what about what isn't Sam?.. What are those secrets?.. If some of the numbers mean what I think they mean..." Dean wiped the tears from his eyes as he cut away the bandage from Sam's left thigh so that he could change the dressing. He grimaced as he looked at the number four that was carved into the front of Sam's left thigh and then his body shuddered with anger as he thought about what the numbers on the back and on the front of Sam's left thigh possibly meant.

"Sammy." He whispered imploringly "Sammy if these numbers mean what I think they mean.. I need to know.. I need to know when it happened.. I need to know who it was.."

After he redressed the cuts on both sides of Sam's left thigh Dean started to methodically remove the bandage from the ones on Sam's left cheek so that he could put a fresh bandage there as well.

The number two that was carved there really pissed him off and he growled out "And this Sam. Did dad really hit you?" His growl ebbed out into a sob as he whispered in a whining cry "Why didn't you tell me Sammy?"

Cas placed a comforting hand on Dean's shoulder. Dean pulled away and rounded on Castiel giving the angel a murderous glare as he shoved Cas back until Cas was against the wall then he got in the angel's face and snarled "Did you know about what my father did?"

"Dean I don't know what you're.."

"You don't know what I'm talking about?.. Cas when you shifted whatever you shifted when you took away Sam's hallucinations of Lucifer you had to have seen more than just a few glimpses of the stuff from The Cage.. Was any of it.. Any of it at all possibly from Sam's childhood?"

"No Dean.. I already told you as much as I could about what very few things I saw when I shifted what would have been blocked off by the wall DEATH built.."

"But you're a friggin angel!"

"Dean we've had this discussion before. Just because I'm an angel doesn't mean I'm all seeing or all knowing."

"You can take me back in time. We'll go back to when Sam was born and go day by day until I find out everything I need to know."

"Dean there's no way you'll be able to get close enough to Sam to find out anything."

"Then get me inside his mind. I'll find out that way."

"It's not safe."

"You took Sam into Fred's mind."

"But Fred was only catatonic. He wasn't in a coma like Sam."

"Damn it Cas!" Dean bellowed. "Is there anything you can do?"

"De?.." Came a hoarse whisper from the bed.

Dean immediately rushed back to Sam's side. Sam was still unconscious but he was clearly distressed by the expression on his face. "Sammy?" Dean implored beggingly.

"Sammy please wake up."

"De?.." Sam whispered again and then Sam began to take in sharp hurried breaths as if he were panicking.

"Sammy it's okay I'm here. I'm right here. Please open your eyes."

"De!" Sam whined out sounding like he was in pain then he began to thrash around as if he were having some sort of seizure. The monitors began to blare as Sam's heart rate skyrocketed and his oxygen levels began to plummet...

~0~

It was touch and go for a while. Sam had flatlined four times making Dean's already frayed nerves finally break apart.

He was beginning to get jumpy and aggressive.. Well more than he usually was. And this horrible ache had settled into his bones from the way he kept himself so ridgid.. But he had to be ready to spring into action for if Sam cried out for him again.

Cas had tried to get Dean to go get some much needed rest with a promise to call if there were any changes with Sam. But Dean had refused and now it had been sixty-two hours since Sam had last uttered a noise and Dean hadn't slept a wink and Sam hadn't showed any other signs of waking. In fact it seemed like Sam was in even worse shape as even more numbers had been carved into various areas on Sam's skin.. Benny and Garth were beggining to whisper amongst themselves about the actions that would need to be taken with Dean should Sam be amongst the victims to not survive whatever it was the spirit was doing now as three more victims had died without ever coming out of their comas and two of them had numbers carved into their skin like Sam.

If Dean heard Garth's and Benny's plans about putting him on suicide watch if Sam died he made no mention of it. Which means that he most likely hadn't heard them because they were both still alive after even implying that Sam might not make it.

Of course Dean had laser focused on Sam so he wasn't very aware of much of anything that was going on around him.

It was like a lightning strike.. So fast if Dean hadn't been staring unblinkingly at Sam's face he would have missed it.

"Sam." Dean huffed out in relief as Sam's eyes shot open. But Sam made no other move than that.. And his vacant stare was focused on the ceiling. "Sam?" Dean asked worriedly.

Then Sam's eyes closed again.

"No. No. No. No... Sam.. Open your eyes again kiddo.. Look at me.. Sammy open your eyes." Dean pleaded.

Nothing.

"Damn it Sam! I'm begginging you to please open your eyes and look at me!" Dean sobbed out shakily.

"Do you want me to say it right now? Huh?.. Before you're even awake to hear it?"

"I'm sorry Sam. Okay? I'm so sorry I was such an asshole to you. I get it now. I get why you didn't look for me while I was in Purgatory. To be honest I always got it.. I was just.. I just wanted someone to be pissed at about every screwed up thing in my life and you were an easy target."

"De?" Sam whispered and this time Sam's eyes rolled a few times behind his eyelids as Sam groaned and his head started to weakly roll side to side. "De?" Sam groaned out.

Sam's mouth started to open and shut and Sam made a harsh swallowing noise, then his head listed forward and his eyes opened again. This time he looked around the room blinking blearily as he called out in a tired pant "De?"

"I'm right here Sammy" Dean replied as he reached for a glass of water that Garth had brought him.

Dean placed the straw of the cup to Sam's lips and Sam began to drink greedily. "Easy kiddo. Not to much at once you'll make yourself sick." Dean chided in friendly reprimand as he pulled the cup away.

Sam gave a displeased noise and his head fell further forward as he tried to follow the straw as it left him. Dean placed a gentle hand to Sam's right cheek as it was still the only space on Sam's face with out a mark on it, which made sense because their mother had never hit Sam and gently whispered. "Come on Sam lay back before you hurt your neck."

Sam's head rolled back in attempt to comply but Sam was like a newborn as his neck seemingly wasn't strong enough to hold Sam's head up.

The wild and confused look in Sam's eyes worried Dean.. But it was Sam's weakened state that was really terrifying Sam's big brother.

"Okay.. Sammy.. Can you tell me where you are?"

"De." Sam groaned out in what seemed like annoyance as his head rolled forward again.

"Okay.. How about you just tell me how many fingers I'm holding up?" Dean asked as he held two fingers out for Sam.

Sam forced his head to roll somewhat to the side so that now his head was resting on his left shoulder at a very uncomfortable angle so that he could see Dean's face. This time he made eye contact with Dean.

"Hostipal." Sam slurred out sounding like he had bitten his tounge. "Two fwinguurs."

"I think I should go get the doctor." Garth stated worriedly, then he cringed as Dean shot him a disapproving glare.

"It's because of the pain medicine you moron!" Dean growled frustratedly.

"What's tause th pain medcine?" Sam asked as he gave Dean a look of innocent bewilderment.

"Nothing Sammy. You're alright now. Garth's just being a dumbass. Ya want some more water?"

"Yeah I turtsey." Sam slurred drunkidly.

"Okay but drink slow kiddo." Dean said lovingly.

"O..Tay De." Sam said with a yawn. Dean smiled as Sam's eyes started to droop. He pressed the straw to Sam's lips and Sam began to drink, but not as greedily as before.

"Good job Sammy." Dean said in joyus approval. "How about I go tell the doc that it's safe to cut back on the good stuff? What do ya say kiddo?"

"Good thuff?" Sam asked blearily.

Dean had an amused smile on his face as he pushed the call button.

"How may I help you." Came a chipper voice over the intercom.

"My brother just woke up and we'd like for the dose on his pain meds to be decreased cause they're making him a bit loopy." Dean replied and now he was full out grinning because Sam was awake..

"I'll let his doctor know he's awake and if he says that your brother's pain meds can be decreased then I'll send someone right down." The chipper voice replied.

"Thanks. Oh and could you call up some food for him to?" Dean aked.

"If his doctor says it's okay for him to eat I'll have a tray sent to his room."

"Awesome. Thanks so much."

"You're welcome. Have a nice day."

"You to." Dean replied before the intercom clicked off again.

When Dean sat back down Sam was giving him a huge smile.

"What?" Dean asked.

"Dude." Sam laughed out still sounding hoarse "Are you fwirrtting wif my nurswess?"

Dean let out a chuckle and shook his head grinning from ear to ear. He felt so relieved that Sam was awake and talking that he couldn't stop smiling.

"I wish I had a way of filming you right now. It would make perfect blackmail for later." Dean joked.

"Why ith my haiwr meth up'r stumthing?" Sam aked dazidly.

"Dude you were in a coma for five days! Of course your hair is messed up!" Dean exclaimed.

Sam raised his hands to feel his hair, then as he started to lay them back in his lap he noticed the bandages around both his arms.

"What wrong wif my arms? Was we in an acc..ss..ident?.. De? De wast anybody ewse hurt?"

"You don't remember what happened?" Garth asked worriedly.

"He'll start remembering once he gets all the pain meds out of his system."

"Membring what?.. De what happ..p.p.p..ened?"

"We were on a hunt and the ghost we were hunting started a fire. The roof caved in and one of the metal beams landed right on top of you." Dean bit out sternly.. All evidence of the lighthearted and happy mood that Dean had been in for a few brief moments after Sam's waking was all gone.

"Dean you have to.." Garth started to say "Tell him about the cuts."

"Not till after the meds are out of his system." Dean interupted. "If I tell him now he won't remember it later and I'll have to tell him all over again and I can't go through that twice."

"Go th..th..through what twice De?" Sam asked worriedly. "What..t. .ss wrong?"

"Sam I can't talk to you about it while you're like this."

"Did I do stumthing wrong?.. De did I mest up on th hunt?" Sam asked in confusion.

"No kiddo. It's nothing like that." Dean said soothingly as he carded a hand through Sam's hair. "It's just you're drugged up to your eyeballs with a pharmacy's worth of pain meds. Which is kind of my fault cause I kept threatening to cut the doctor into little bits if he didn't make sure that you weren't in any pain.. I just can't talk to you while you're all drugged up like this especially when in about three hours you won't even remember this conversation."

Sam didn't respond and when Dean pushed Sam's hair away from his face again he could see why. Sam was sound asleep.

"See. This is why it has to wait." Dean stated in a gentle and knowing tone as he laid Sam back against the pillows, then he made sure that Sam was in a comfortable position before he pulled the blankets back up to Sam's chest.

"What the hell were you thinking?" Dean growled out as he rounded on Garth.

"I was just worried about him because we still don't know how much the damage to his brain could be impairing him." Garth replied as he stood up straight and crossed his arms over his chest to show Dean that he wasn't intimidated nor should he be because he only had Sam's best intrest at heart.

"Fine." Dean said in frustration. "Just don't go freaking Sam out over all this stuff. He's already gonna be dealing with too much once the memories of whatever things the voice told him about each number starts to come back."

_**FIFTY-EIGHT HOURS AGO...**_

_Garth had gone past Dean's expectations and had started photographing each cut as well as recording the interviews with each of the victims' friends and family members and when he did so he'd managed to capture some very interesting things.._

_He had caught what looked like an apparation in the act of clawing a number into a victim's skin with it's hideously long finger nails. And in one of the recordings he had caught an E.V.P. that had sounded like a young woman or older girl's voice saying "Liar. All lies." during an interview with one of the victims fathers when he'd asked about whether the victim he was aking about had ever been abused. And if Dean was right about what the numbers that had been carved into the left cheek of some of the victims' faces meant, then the man had indeed been knowingly lying when he'd told Garth "No." because that particular victim had the number fifty carved into his left cheek._

_Three hours later Garth had been able to record an interview with another victim that had woke from their coma._

_Mr. Stone had never been abused as a child and according to Mr. Stone's mostly clear face it was beginning to look like Dean's assumptions were right._

_The only numbers that were carved into Mr. Stone's flesh were in the center of Mr. Stone's forehead, his left arm and the back of his right thigh._

_Mr. Stone spoke of feeling the pain as each number was carved into him. And he spoke of how the voice had made him feel the pain of everything even more intense than when he'd first felt it. Then he spoke of the saddness.. The loneliness.. The despair..._

_To Garth's surprise Mr. Stone hadn't been the only one to wake up that morning. Another victim named Ms. Wittiker had also come out of her coma._

_Ms. Wittiker was an elderly woman who bore numbers carved all over her face, legs, arms and chest. The only area she had numbers that Sam didn't was her stomache where the number nine was carved._

_Her tale had been one of horrible childhood abuses. She had been raped and sodomized by her father and uncle every night from the time she had turned four until the day her father sold her to a man who turned her into a sex slave. She had only been ten at the time and she didn't get free from that torementer until she was over thirty years old and by then she had been forced to bear nine children that were fathered by that deranged bastard or one of his "clients" that had been allowed to use her and to this day she still didn't know what had become of those children because back then no one could help her and now no one cared to even listen when she tried to talk about what happened. _

_Garth made a solomn vow to help Ms. Wittiker find out what had happened to her children as he listened to her story of her brave struggle to make her way in the world as a thirty-three year old woman who could hardly speak and had no education what so ever. It had been a stroke of luck that a nun had found Ms. Wittiker and had thought her to be mentally ill. The nun then told a paritioner of her church who ran an asylumn about Ms. Wittiker and the paritioner had taken Ms. Wittiker into their asylum and gave her a name as she couldn't remember what her real name had been after having been called "Slut" for so long. And then through the asylumns many programs Ms. Wittiker had learned how to speak and how to read and write. Once she knew how to communicate she had told the people who ran the asylumn about what had been done to her and though they had cared there hadn't been anything they could do to help her because she didn't know the name of the man who had held her captive because he never allowed any of "his slaves" to call him or any of his "clients" anything but "Master"._

_Garth felt her pain as she wailed in agony about how much pain, lonliness, saddness and despair the voice had made her feel as she remembered and felt everything more intensely than when it had happened._

_There were two more people that woke from their comas that very same day._

_One was a man who had come from Florida for his vacation and he had numbers carved into the flesh on the back of his left hand, his right cheek, the center of his his chest, his left and right temples and the center of his forhead. Which meant that his family had neglected and abandonned him, his mother had slapped him, all of those things had broken his heart and caused him a mental illness which in turn lead him to develop an addiction to Heroin._

_The other was a man who had been sodomized, orally raped and forcefully brought to several climaxes by his priest on numerous occasions when he was a boy. But other than the numbers on the front and back of that man's left thigh and the number on his top lip his flesh was clean. _

_Both men reported the same thing as the other victims to wake up.. A voice that made them remember what it had felt like to be in so much pain, how it had felt to feel so alone, how it had made them feel like they could never be happy again.. And both of them spoke of an overwhelming sense of despair..._

_Once Dean had heard that all of the coma patients had been in intense pain during all of the times the spirit carved the numbers into their flesh. And that they had all felt even more pain during all of the times "The voice" spoke because of how it made them remember and FEEL everything more intensely than when it happened. He had then threatened Sam's doctor with a painful death if Sam felt anymore pain and the doctor had ordered that Sam be drugged with the strongest non-dependence forming pain medicines that the hospital had to offer._

_The next day word came that there was yet another coma patient to wake up and she had numbers carved in the flesh over her right breast, the front of her right thigh and the center of her forehead. Her name was Rebecca Parker, her boss had raped her and she'd never told anyone and now she had Depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because of what had happened to her._

_Another coma patient to wake up later that day was a man named Anthony McCtavesh who had numbers carved into his left cheek and right pectoral muscle because his dad had hit him several times as a boy and he'd kept it a secret. _

_Both Anthony and Rebecca also spoke of how the voice had intensified their feelings of pain, sadness, lonliness and despair as they were forced to remember the things that had happened to them in more vivid and intense detail than when those things had happened to them._

_By the time the sun set that day yet another patient woke up.. He had numbers carved into the center of his forehead, the center of his chest, his left arm and the right side of his neck right in the juncture of his neck and right shoulder.. His name was Harry Warden and he'd been in an accident that had taken the lives of his wife and daughter and now he was suffering from Depression. The voice had made him think about all the guilt as well as all the sadness, lonliness and despair that he'd been feeling everyday since he'd lost his family. The poor man confessed to having had several thoughts about taking his own life because the heartbreak was sometimes too much to bear._

_That night had brought the news of the deaths of three more victims and hearing that news had put Dean even more on edge as he kept vigile over his little brother._

~0~

When the cuts had started forming on Sam's skin again Dean had tried everything from iron and salt to banishing spells, none of it had worked to keep the spirit from carving numbers into Sam's skin.

All Dean could do was do his best to make sure that Sam felt as little pain as possible.

He'd gotten so desperate to keep Sam from feeling even an ounce of what had happened in The Cage. Because he believed if Sam had to feel over a hundred years worth of torture and according to Cas, rape all over again then Sam would surely die from pain alone were he to be made to feel it even more intensely than when he was there, that he told the doctor to go ahead and pump Sam as full of Morphine as possible even though it could make Sam form a dependency for it.

Yes, it made him feel like a total hypocrite to give the go ahead on giving Sam a possibly addictive substance especially knowing that since Sam had suffered from addictions in the past he was even more at risk for developing dependencies to other addictive substances. But Dean rather have Sam in the least amount of pain as possible for as long as possible and then deal with whatever complications that caused later, because it was better than letting Sam suffer or possibly even die from horrific amounts of pain that he should have never had to feel in the first place.

~0~

While Sam had been unconscious Dean had formed a habit of going over each number on Sam's skin over and over again. Each time he did so he'd think about what each one meant.

The intercom buzzed to life and the chipper voice returned saying "Mr. Taylor?

"Yeah." Dean replied into the speaker so that she could hear him.

"The doctor would like to come check on your brother before he gives the okay for any of his meds to be decreased or an okay on whether or not Sam can have anything to eat."

"Alright send him down."

"He'll be there in about ten minutes."

"Okay thanks."

"You're welcome." The chipper voice concluded before the intercom went silent again.

"Hehem.. We're gonna mosey on out a while so you can talk to the doc in private." Benny stated as he coraled Garth and Cas then started nudging them to the door.

"But.." Garth started to protest.

"Something like this should be for family only. If Sam and Dean want us to know any details the doctor gives them, they'll tell us." Benny replied in stern reprimand but it came out sounding almost soothing when said with his cajun drawl.

"Thanks." Dean said with a slight grin as he nodded in Benny's direction.

"Anytime brother."

Now that the others had given him some space for when the doctor came so that he could discuss Sam's condition in private Dean took a moment to just study his little brother while he slept. Dean lightly traced the numbers on Sam's right temple while whispering "I never thought.. Never once during all the times that I accused you of abandoning your family did I think about how you might have felt abandoned by us to.. I only thought about my own pain.. I never really thought about how much you might have been hurting because of us.."

Dean was startled from his revelry by a knock at the door.

"Damn ten minutes flies by fast." Dean groused with in a mumble before calling out "Come in."

"I hear Sam's awake." The doctor stated as he entered the room.

"Yeah. He woke up for a little bit but the pain meds pulled him back under." Dean gave a light chuckle as he said "The kid's always a lightweight when it comes to Morphine."

"Well he is on an extremly high dose." The doctor replied sounding slightly bitter. Apparently having his life threatened had rubbed him the wrong way.

"Yeah." Dean said looking guilty "I'm really sorry, I just didn't want him to be in any pain if I could prevent it. I mean you saw what was happening with the cuts."

The doctor seemed to soften a little as he said "Well I probably would've done the same thing if I were in your shoes."

"So how did he seem when he woke up?" The doctor asked.

"He seemed like he was really high." Dean replied sounding slightly amused.

"Was his speech alright?"

"Well he was hoarse and his speech was slurred a bit. But he had just woke up and he's on a lot of meds." Dean stated deffensively.

"Well.. While the pain medicines he's on might play a factor I'm still concerned that it may very well be an effect of the Stroke or the brain damage his scans revealed."

"What about his eyesight? Did he seem able to see alright?" The doctor asked as he started writing down the numbers from the machines at Sam's bedside and suddenly Dean was wondering if those machines were telling the doctor things that was making him ask such questions.

"He seemed to have a hard time focusing. But again he had just woke up and you said it yourself that the dose of Morphine he's on is extremely high."

"Hmm.." The doctor hummed in thought as he jotted down more numbers "Anything else that seems wrong with him that you think might just be the pain meds?" The doctor asked with a note of sarcasm.

Dean took a second to stare at the obscenely high number in the middle of Sam's forehead then blurtted out "His neck seemed really weak. And I'm afraid he might have some mental illnesses." because he wasn't going to risk Sam having something even just slightly wrong with his mind or body and it potentially go undiagnosed and untreated when there was something that could possibly be done about it to help Sam.

"Mental illnesses?" The doctor repeated sounding a bit taken aback.

"Yeah like Anxiety Disorders, Depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, those sorts of things." Dean replied sounding defeated.

"Okay." The doctor said gently "For now I'll take Sam off the Morphine and make it to where he can get some real food in him and after about three hours I'll come back and see if Sam's eyesight and motor functions have made any improvement. Then we'll go from there."

Dean gave a nod and said "Yeah. I had a feeling that it'd take a few hours with him off the meds to know for sure. That's why I didn't.. Why I'd rather not jump to conclusion and start declaring my brother mentally impaired before he's even had a chance to prove everyone wrong."

The doctor gave Dean a kind smile then said "Maybe you're right.. Maybe Sam will prove to be stronger than anyone gives him credit for."

"Thanks doc." Dean said with a nod.

"Not a problem. Just keep believing in him and I'm sure he'll make a fast recovery." The doctor replied "After all if after seeing what I saw earlier wasn't a time to start believing that anything's possible then there never will be.. I'll be back this way in about three and a half to four hours. In the mean time you should try to get some rest cause I have a feeling that your brother's gonna be out for at least two hours."

"Thanks doc. I'll try." Dean said with a tired sigh as the doctor left the room.

The door didn't even have a chance to shut all the way as Garth appeared in the doorway. "Hey Dean?" he said with timid imploring. "I just saw the doctor leave. Is it alright if we come back in now?" Like the fact that he'd popped in the door the second the doctor had disappeared out of it wasn't evidence that he'd been hovering just outside the door the entire time.

"Actually do you think you guys could give me about two hours alone with Sam?" Dean asked without heat or sarcasm.

"Yeah. We can do that." Garth replied.

"Anything you want us to get while we're out?" Benny's voice asked from around the corner where Dean couldn't see him.

"_Oh_.. _So Benny was hovering to_.." Dean thought with a grin. Sam always did have a way of worming his way past someone's tough exterior and into their hearts.

"Um.. Yeah. The doc just said that Sam can have some real food and I don't count anything prepaired in a hospital as real food. So could you grab us some grub on your way back?"

"Sure. We'll see you in two hours." Benny replied. Then Dean heard Benny issue a not so subtle "C'mon Cas."

And by the shift in the atmosphear and the sound of rustling feathers it was evident that Cas had been doing WAY more than hovering.

"Wow. Way to give us some privacy." Dean said sternly as he fought to keep from laughing.

"Hey! I just noticed him gone. I swear." Benny stated innocently.

"Yeah. We did NOT put him up to that." Garth said sounding deffensive.

"Whatever. I just need two hours so if you guys have to put Cas in a ring of holy fire to keep him from eavesdropping on me then do it." Dean said with a tired chuckle.

"I can assure you that won't be necessary." Castiel stated in a thouroughly chastised voice from behind Garth. Cas still really needed to learn about sarcasm.

"Please go away so I can sleep." Dean replied with an annoyed groan.

"You heard the man." Benny said in a stern commanding tone and Garth stepped back and allowed the door to shut the rest of the way with him, Benny and Cas still on the other side.

After making sure the others were really gone he pulled the chair apart because it was the kind that made into a cot for the guests of the hospital patients. It was lumpy and uncomfortable. But no worse than over half of the hotel mattresses that he's slept on and within seconds Dean was out like a light.

~0~

When Dean woke up a little over two hours later Sam was still soundly asleep. He was about to call Benny and tell him that everybody could come back now when he saw that he had missed almost twenty calls from Garth.

At first he was annoyed that Garth was being so melodramatic then he listened to the messages on his voicemail. Garth had, had good reason to call. Apparently the spirit had changed things up again. Six more victims had died and this time four of them had been people to wake from their comas.

Suddenly the need to find out who this spirit had been in life so their bones could be salted and burned and the need to find out what object it was possessing to be able managing continuous, multiple and simultaneous attacks on it's victims so that the object could be destroyed was more urgent than ever before. Because once again, anyone the spirit had touched could be the next to die.. Including Sam..

~0~

Dean called Garth and and told him to start scouring the entire city limits building by building, person by person in search of answers as there still were no real connections between the victims other than what reliving some of the things they'd gone through in their lives had made them feel, that and both Bella and Sam kind of knew one another but that didn't seem to have anything to do with why the spirit had chose to attack them.

As Sam started to wake again Benny called saying he had possibly found a lead but that Dean wasn't going to like it because there was no way they were going to find all of the remains of a body in the city's expansive sewer system. Especially when the body had supposedly already been down there for at least nine years without having been "Officially" discovered.

According to Benny's source a sewer worker had seen the naked body of a girl who couldn't have been any older than sixteen under the surface of the water but when he'd tried to get to her, her body had disappeared.

Benny's source had also reported that the sewer worker had seen numbers carved into various places of the girl's skin that he could see. The source had said that the man had reported the body and that an army of police officers had scoured the sewers only to find no sign of a body. The sewer worker had subsequently suffered ridicule for spreading "a deluisional lie" that was all too common for "the weaker minded sewer workers" with "over active imaginations". Thus the man was not only traumatised by what he'd seen but humiliated by the fact that he was telling the truth yet everyone believed he was either crazy or a sick liar so he'd quit his job four days later and according to Benny's source there were several rumors about what had happened to the man after that and none of those rumors had given the man a happy ending.

Dean told Benny to follow the lead as far as it would take him then he hung up the phone and grabbed a glass of water as Sam finally opened his eyes again.

"Hey." Dean whispered as he held the straw steady for Sam.

Sam took a couple of long greedy drinks then he let his head fall back onto his pillow as he hoarsely whispered "Hey." in response.

"How you feelin?" Dean asked.

"Like I've been fed into a meat grinder." Sam groaned.

"Sam I know about the numbers and the voice.. Now I want to know what the voice said to you.. I want to know what the numbers mean for you."

"It doesn't matter." Sam replied.

"Like hell it doesn't." Dean growled.

"It doesn't matter Dean. It never has and I'm not going to argue about it. I'm not talking about any of it because if you already know about the voice and the numbers then you have just as much to go on as I do. So me talking about what I saw, heard or felt isn't going to help the case in any way."

"Whatever information you have could be what ends up cracking this case wide open."

"Of course. Nothing ever matters more than the case." Sam stated bitterly.

"More people could die if you don't tell me what you know."

"Dean. Right now someone's getting shot by someone else. Another person, possibly a world away from them is getting run over by a drunk driver. Nothing we do here is gonna save them. There isn't anything I can tell you that's gonna save any lives here or anywhere else in the world. So it's pointless."

"Why do you always have to be so selfish?" Dean snarled as he tried to keep from just begging Sam to tell him.

"Selfish?" Sam said with a bitterly sarcastic scoff "There's no information I can give that's gonna help this case and I'm not gonna.. I'm not talking about it and if that makes me selfish.. Then FINE." Sam bit out angrily.

Just then Sam gave a pained bellow as the number on the center of his chest changed to increase by two.

"SON OF A BITCH." Dean growled angrily as the number on Sam's right pectoral muscle began to change as well but it increased by double making Sam writhe and whimper in agony.

"I'm fine." Sam hissed when it was over.

"Fine?" Dean repeated incrediously as he pointed to the cuts on Sam's right pec. "Sam I know enough to know this number represents secrets."

"Then stop trying to get me to talk about this stuff or the number's only going to keep getting higher." Sam stated sounding frustrated.

"What?" Dean asked in surprise.

"I said stop. Just stop Dean. Just let it go."

"You're unbelievable. Un friggin believable Sam! You know this thing could kill you to if there's something you know that could help this case that you're not sharing right?"

"There isn't anything I know that could help this case."

"So you're fine with this thing killing you?" Dean swallowed the lump in his throat as soon as the words had left his mouth his eyes had shot to the bandages on Sam's forearms where the numbers for suicidal thoughts and successful attempts at suicide were carved.

"If I die. I die. There's not a lot that can be done about it. It's gonna happen sooner or later. If not now then maybe on some other case where a monster decides to gut me. There's no point in.."

"Sam, you're going to tell me what the hell every single one of these numbers mean and I don't care if you think there's no point because you don't get to decide what matters and what doesn't when it comes to something like this."

"Well if you wanna play it that way, then fine. Who gets to decide what matters and what doesn't Dean?.. You? Because if it's you then you've already decided a long time ago that it didn't matter, so there. According to you it doesn't matter."

"I never made a decission like that!" Dean bellowed.

"Oh.. You did.. It's not my fault you don't remember." Sam stated angrily "If there was info I had that could break this case open I'd share it but I don't have any and I'm not talking about all the crap you have no business knowing about."

"No business knowing about?! I'm your brother!"

"Yeah and last time I checked nothing about us being brothers means I have to tell you every detail about my life."

"You know what? I've had it Sam. You don't wanna tell me that's perfectly fine. But just so you know I do know exactly what the numbers on your thighs mean to."

Sam visibly paled as Dean revealed just how much he knew. He gave a stiff nod as he said "Like I said. If you know what the cuts mean then there really isn't anything I can tell you that'll help the case."

Dean threw his hands in the air as Sam's stubborness finally won out.

"Alright. You don't wanna talk? Fine. I'm done. I'm not gonna keep asking you to talk about this."

Just then there was a knock at the door.

"Come in." Dean called as Sam's voice was still to hoarse to be heard from that far away.

"Hello Mr. Taylor. I'm Doctor Hughes. How are you feeling now that you're awake again?" Sam's doctor asked as he entered the room.

"Awake again?" Sam asked sounding confused.

"Yes. You came to earlier but you weren't very coherent due to the intensely high dosage of pain meds we had to have you on." The doctor replied.

"Intensely high dosage of pain meds? What sorts of pain meds?"

"Morephine mostly."

"Isn't that a potentially dependence forming pain medicine?" Sam asked as he shot a glare at Dean.

"Well it's not exactly like you're sharing either." Dean stated through clenched teeth "YES. I know that you obviously have had addictions in the past and that, that puts you even more at risk for developing other addictions. But it was better than risking you having to relive over a hundred years worth of what ever happened to you in Hell."

Sam looked shocked that Dean had just talked about Hell. Real Hell and in front of a civilian. But even more surprising was that the civilian, a doctor at that, wasn't jumping to have Dean commited right then and there.

"The doc here's kind of up to speed on the kind of work we do." Dean replied as the look on Sam's face wasn't disappating.

"Yeah and after seeing what I saw I believe every word your brother has told me." The doctor said with a slight cringe.

Sam raised an eyebrow then tilted his head in understanding as he said "So I take it that you saw the spirit manifest itself? Cause that's what it usually takes for someone to believe even a little of what we tell them about our real lives."

"No. I didn't see the ghost.. Spirit.. Whatever you wanna call it. No I just watched as some of the cuts on your skin appeared out of thin air." Doctor Hughes replied.

Sam gave a sideways nod as the doctor continued with "So.. Really how are you feeling?"

"Things are still a little hazy. But mostly I feel only a little worse for wear."

"So you're in pain?" The doctor asked.

"Yeah a little."

"How bad? On a scale from one to ten."

"About an eight."

The doctor gave a look that said "That's more than "a little"." But he only wrote a few things down on the paper attatched to the clipboard in his hand then said "Well your motor functions seem markedly improved. So I'll wait for about another hour or so to make sure that you don't have any complications from the brain damage we found on your head scans. If all goes well I'll start you on the prescriptions you'll need to manage your heart condition and M.S. as well as your other injuries."

"Whoa. Brain damage?" Sam asked in disbelief. "Heart condition?.. M.S.?.. What other injuries?" As Sam was shocked to find that the doctor had actually had a chance to really look him over.. Usually Dean or some one else would have swooped in by then and yanked him out of the hospital even if he had been unconscious. Then he vaguely remembered Dean saying something about him having been in a coma for five days and suddenly he realized that he hadn't been just unconscious.

"Oh.. I thought your brother had a chance to go over the extent of all the things we found wrong with you." Doctor Hughes replied apologetically.

"No he hasn't really had a chance. All I know is I was in a coma." Sam lied because he didn't want Dean to know that he had already known for a couple of months about the M.S. and heart condition.

Sam tried not to let the pain show when the number on his right pectoral increased by four. But Dean caught it and was just about to say something when the doctor started talking to Sam again and interceded anything he might've said.

"Yes. You were in a coma but that wasn't even close to the worst that things got with you."

"Really?"

"Oh yes I must apologize. But I have to tell you. You suffered a Hemorrhagic Stroke which means that you had some blood vessels inside your brain rupture causing bleeding of the brain."

Sam raised his bandaged hands to his head to feel that his hair was still there and still in tact then asked "How did you manage to fix something like that with out cutting into my head?"

"I went with a minimally invasive shunt to drain the blood then I ran a microcam into the drainage tube, found the burst blood vessels and repaired them.."

"Sounds complicated." Sam replied.

"Well it's actually a lot easier and safer than open brain surgery especially in a case like yours. But there may still be complications from the Stroke and/or the brain damage, so if you notice anything that feels even just a little off, like feeling numbness in your face or limbs, if your speech starts to sound impaired or if you feel like anything's wrong with your motor functions or cognitivity at all you let someone know as soon as possible."

"Okay, I will. Is that everything?"

"Unfortunately no." Said the doctor.

"Sam you also had two massive heart attacks and your heart stopped several times. There were several moments that by regulations I should have called time of death but your brother was very clear on what would happen to me should I fail to get your heart beating again."

"So.. My heart.. Is it weaker now?"

"Substantially. Yes. And I'm afraid that it wasn't as strong as it should have been to begin with as you had a condition called Atrial Fibrillation. Which means that your heartbeat was irregular and now the condition has progressed to Cardiogenic Shock which means that you're very lucky to even be alive as most people don't survive more than twenty-four hours after being diagnosed with Cardiogenic Shock as there's usually already to much damage to the heart for the person to be saved."

"Am I going to need surgery to fix it?" Sam asked.

"Well there are ways to manage the condition with medcations as you survived past the normal twenty-four hour time frame. But I want to stress how dangerous it will be if anything else happens that could effect your heart. You're going to have to constently monitor your heart rate and blood pressure from now on and you'll have to take all the medications that will be prescribed exactly how they're prescribed. You'll never be able to afford missing even just one dose. I'd also like to get you on the transplant list..":

"Transplant?" Dean asked sounding worried "He needs a transplant? I thought you just said his condition could be managed with medications."

"Yes it can be managed with medications for a while... But you have to understand how much damage Sam's heart sustained.. He will eventually need surgery.. Quite possibly an implanted Defibrillator or a Pacemaker and yes.. He will even have to have a transplant eventually. The medications are only a temporary solution. That's why it's best to get him on the list as soon as possible espescially considering his other conditions."

"I'm still in the room people." Sam said sounding frustrated that he was being talked about like he wasn't there.

"My apologies Sam." Doctor Hughes replied "Of course all of the decisions lie with you."

"Put him on the list." Dean commanded in an angry tone as he stood from his chair besides Sam's bed.

"Did you not just hear the man? It's my choice... I'll take whatever medications you prescribe.."

"Damn straight." Dean interjected.

Sam ignored Dean as he continued with "But I don't want on the list."

"Like hell!.. Sam I'm not gonna sit by and wait for you to die. Your name's going on that list if I have to write it myself!" Dean shouted angrily.

"There are other people who need a heart more than I do. People who matter.. That are worth something.. Who deserve it more than I do." Sam stated numbly.

"Sam. Like you just said.. People all over the world are dying.. You sacrificing your one chance at getting a healthy heart isn't going to save those people."

"Dean I also said I'm going to die sooner or later. If not now then on some other hunt when some monster decides to gut me. All putting a new heart in my chest is going to do is waste a perfectly good heart that could have went to someone who deserves it more."

"God damn it Sam!" Dean yelled as he slammed his fist into the wall above Sam for emphasis. "Why are you doing this?"

"Why are you being such a hypocrite?!" Sam snapped back sounding fed up.

Dean looked shocked and incredeous as he silently mouthed the word "hypocrite", then he threw up his hands and snapped "Fine. .. You wanna just lay back and let nature take it's course. Okay Sam.. But don't come crying to me when something else happens to cause even more damage to your heart!" He instantly regreted his abilitly to always manage to say the wrong thing at the worst possible times as he watched Sam deflate. His little brother was already broken enough as it was without his help.

Sam gave a shrug that said that he hadn't ever planned to as he turned to the doctor and asked "So if everything goes as good as you're hoping how soon can I be out of here?"

"Mr. Taylor, it's far too soon to even be thinking about discharging you. I doubt you'll be well enough to leave for at least two, maybe three more weeks."

"Even if I promise to do everything that I'm supposed to once I'm home?"

"I'm sorry Sam but with the condition you're in, you'll be more prone to illnesses and infections and even just a case of the sniffles or an infected paper cut would most likely kill you right now."

"Look. I get that I do. But that doesn't really... Could you just write the prescriptions and let me sign out A.M.A?"

"Well legally I can't stop you from signing yourself out.."

"No. Hell no.. Sam there's no way you're leaving in this condition." Dean said sternly "It's practically suici.." He let his voice trail off as he looked at the bandages on Sam's forearms again. Now the meanings of what they represented were really sinking in.

"Sam. Why do you wanna kill yourself?" Dean asked in a gentle tone as he sat back down beside Sam.

Sam looked away as he said "It's not about killing myself.. I.. I just don't wanna live anymore ..."

"Why Sam?.. Why don't you wanna live anymore?" Dean implored in a shaky voice.

"It doesn't matter." Sam whispered sounding broken.

Dean tried to stay calm as he realised just how bad it really was. Sam wasn't really saying ""It" "doesn't" matter." he was actually saying ""I" "don't" matter.". Sam thought that HE didn't matter.

Dean took a deep breath and tried to keep it from sounding like he was snapping as he said "It matters Sam." and he hoped like hell that Sam could hear the underlying ""YOU" matter" in his words..

But no dice because Sam just rolled to his side so that he was facing away from Dean and whispered "There's no point.. There's no way of fixing things anymore."

It broke Dean's heart because he finally understood, because he had heard the unspoken "Between us.".. Sam didn't want to live anymore because he thought their tattered bond couldn't be repaired. Sam didn't want to live anymore because he thought that he no longer mattered to his big brother..

Just when Dean was about to contridict Sam's way of thinking.. Just when he was about to tell Sam how much he DID matter.. How much he was loved.. There was a staticy noise, the lights began to flicker and the temperature in the room dropped to freezing within seconds. Then Dean was picked up and thrown away from Sam's bedside by some unseen force.

Suddenly a spirit manefested itself..It looked to be the spirit of a girl no older than sixteen.. She was completely nude and she had numbers carved all over her flesh just like some of her victims. She seemed sad and remorseful as she reached out her hand to Sam..

Sam's monitors began to wail as Sam seized up and he passed out when she touched him, then his heart monitor gave a long drawn out squeel as Sam went into Cardiac Arrest once more...

* * *

A/N: **Mwuhaha... Mwuhaha **(*evil laugh*)**..** That was so mean of me wasn't it?.. BUT I promise I won't leave people hanging for too long! Please review (Lots of good reviews motivate me to update faster! *winks*) and tell me what you think!

A/N: I know that Sam's little "Speech Impairement" earlier in this Chapter didn't seem very realistic especially seeing how quickly he recovered.. And YES I know that Morphine doesn't NORMALLY do that to a person's speech.. USUALLY it's a dental anestetic that makes a person act all loopy and talk funny like Sam was.. BUT I have a mother-in-law that suffered a massive Stroke over three years ago and STILL to this day when she gets tired her speech messes up (Like Sam's speech was messed up earlier in the Chapter) and she also gets to acting really loopy when she gets tired (Also like Sam was earlier in the Chapter)(And it was actually worse when she'd first suffered the Stroke) BUT once she's rested she's fine again (Just like Sam).. SO.. What I'm saying is it wasn't the pain meds that had Sam acting and talking funny (So now it makes it totally realistic..(Cause it IS, REALLY some of the complications from a Stroke)) and (Well this is about to give away that Sam isn't going to die.. ;-) But I did promise not to leave you hanging for too long!.. Right?..) But like I said earlier PLEASE review!.. It really will motivate me to update faster!).. you'll be seeing more of a speech impaired Sam later!...


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Okay.. FIRST OFF.. Sorry that I haven't updated in a while I've had some really bad "_REAL WORLD THINGS_" to deal with and when I say really bad I mean **REALLY BAD** and as all things in my life goes when one bad thing happens a mountain of bad things follow.. I don't know if any of my readers have read my profile**.. **If you have then you have some idea of the fact that I was already having PLENTY of "_REAL WORLD THINGS_" to deal with to begin with. If you haven't read my profile here's a quick run down: I have four children my youngest is 3 and has Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia and while he is doing excellent there have been other issues arising such as: My oldest who is 12 had a lump, the doctor said it was a tumor that is "Most likely" benign (which means "Most likely" NOT cancerous.).. But they "Can't guarantee that.".. And I'm sure you can imagine what sort of peace of mind that gives me (ABSOLUTELY NONE, by the way.). Anyway the tumor was removed and sent for biopsy and I won't know the Pathology results for another week (Which was what I was told nearly FOUR WEEKS AGO.. And I'm STILL _**waiting**_ and they keep telling me the results still aren't in and it's always "Well you SHOULD know something by 'next week'." and it's starting to really piss me off that I still don't kow anything yet.)...(And YES.. I AM.. TOTALLY freaking out until I find out by the way... Gee.. I wonder if you guys can tell?). But wait.. There's more.. My 5 year old has been having PAINFUL reaccurring ear infections, SIX in just the last two months... AND (Yep there's an _and_..) to top it all off there's a whole bunch of drama going on with my husband's family (Between his dad and step-mom and his sister.. Which is a whole nother DRAMA in and of itself) that has really nothing to do with ME or my children directly per say BUT it's affecting my husband and causing him to be distracted at work and at home (And it doesn't help that they keep trying to drag him and US into the middle of the whole mess.) which DOES affect me and our children.. AND.. Oh yes there is MORE.. ALL of this doesn't even cover HALF of the stuff that's going on with me and my family right now (Honestly if I were to go over even a whole quarter of all of the mess that are the stressers of my life and how long I've actually been dealing with the majority of those stressers it would cover at least two pages.)..

Soo... Yeah I really am sorry that I haven't written in a while, it's been kind of hard to concentrate, but I AM trying to make it to where I'll at least be able to finish all of the stories that I've already started. Writing is usually my release, it's usually the way I relax, but I haven't been able to focus because everything that's going on is a bit more stressful than I'm used to (UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE CENTURY, by the way.) and so I haven't been writing or even trying to write since I last updated this story. I hope that everyone will understand that after I've finished all of the stories that I've already posted (Plus the one that I plan on writing called "Remington.".. IF I can ever get it even 'officially' started.) that I'm probably going to completely stop writing altogether for a while (Unless something happens to dramaticall reduce all the stress and time constraint.) and just stick to reading various Supernatural fanfiction stories when I can.. I hope all the authors out there who read my stuff will help make sure I have a continued variety of stories to keep myself entertained while I try to weather these multiple storms in my life. (For people who might like to write stories specifically tailored to my interest, I have quite a few story scenarious that I'd like to see writen for anyone who might be up to and willing to take the challenges so if anyone wants to PM me for story ideas, prompts and challenges that I have (I won't always be able to answer right away, but I WILL answer) for stories and scenarious that they might be willing to write into stories and scenarious that I'd like to see writen (And I'm probably not the only one who'd enjoy the stories that might come out from such processes (And it'd help me get to write vicariously through other authors (As I'd be seeing my ideas come to life through their work.))), then please feel free... PLUS.. If anyone out there is writing any kind of Supernatural fanfiction where one of the characters, has or gets Cancer, let me know if you need help cause I'm practically a medical dictionary on that subject.

~0~

|Because it hurts.| |Chapter 3.|

Dean went numb as the heart monitor attached to Sam continued to wail despite the spirit having flickered out of sight and the swarm of medical personel trying to get Sam's heart beating again..

He was swept to another time, another place. He was watching as a team of doctors and nurses worked to save his dad all over again. Then he heard the words he'd been fearing.

"I'll call it. Time of death... Ten fourty-one a.m."...

"No." Dean whispered. "No. Not again. Not like this... Sammy please." He begged as the echo of the flashback died away to be replaced by the steady beaping of the heart monitor signaling that Sam's heart was beating again.

"We got rythm people." Announced one of the people surrounding Sam.

Dean suddenly felt light headed as relief flooded through him. "Oh god." he gasped "Oh thank god."

Eventually Sam was stable enough for the organized chaos buzzing around him to ebb off little by little and soon Dean found himself in the room alone with just Sam and Doctor Hughes all over again, it was almost like the last thirty minutes hadn't even happened.. _Almost_.

"What the hell can we do to keep that bitch away from my patient?" Doctor Hughes asked with a surly growl that oddly reminded Dean of Bobby when the old coot got over protective over either him or Sam.

The doctor didn't know that he'd just endeared himself to Dean for his protective nature concerning Sam. Dean shook his head and repressed a shudder as he said "I don't know."

The doctor gave Dean an apologetic look as he said "I'm afraid the next time she makes his heart stop that we won't be able to get it beating again."

Those words confirmed Dean's fears. He needed to find out how to get rid of the spirit attacking his brother and he needed to do it now...

As the doctor exited the room Dean went to Sam's bedside. Sam looked so frail that it terrified the hell out of Dean, his baby brother was understandably unconscious again and it made Dean feel so helpless that Sam was right there and there was so much that needed to be said, just in case.. Just in case he didn't have a chance to later.

He was about to open up and pour out his soul to his unconscious brother with a desperate hope that Sam could hear the really important things that needed to be said, things like "_I love you, little brother.. Sammy, please don't die on me._", when he noticed the wet crimson beginning to seep through Sam's hospital gown, this time it was in two different places. One spot was on the right side of the collar of the gown and the other was over Sam's left pectoral muscle.

Dean took a shaky breath to try and suppress his rage as he pulled the blood stained collar away from Sam's neck.

The number representing all the times Sam had ever felt guilty was atronomically high. In fact it was the highest number carved into Sam's flesh so far. Dean pulled the left side of the gown aside so that he could see what other damage had been done. So far just another line had been carved into the skin over Sam's left pectoral and now what had once looked like a "backwards C" now looked more like a sideways teardrop and he wonderd just what the hell this symbol represented because so far Sam was the only one victimized by the spirit to have anything carved in that perticular area, plus there were no numbers that looked like what was carved into Dean's chest as far as Dean was aware. It was so frustrating because that symbol could be the entire answer, it might be a signature of some sort and the only people who knew anything about it was either unconscious or the evil bitch that had caused the cuts in the first place, which, yeah Dean was thinking of her as a person right now because he so badly wanted her to be corprial just so he could tear her to shreds for hurting his baby brother.

"Ugh.. That BITCH!" Dean growled as he bandaged the new slices carved into Sam's skin. "I'm gonna kill her. Sammy, I swear to you I'm gonna make her pay for hurting you."...

As soon as Dean was done bandaging the cuts, he carded a hand through Sam's bangs, then gave Sam one last look. He had so many emotions shining out through his gaze but the one that was the brightest and warmest was the one that told the world with just one look how much Sam Winchester was loved by his big brother as he said "You hang in there Sammy. I really don't want to leave your side. But I have to go, cause I've got work to do and when it's done that bitch won't be able to hurt you ever again." and then he turned and left before the over protective big brother in him made him cuff himself to Sam's bed.

As soon as he was out of the hospital he called Garth's and Benny's cell phones and told them that he needed them to start asking around about the unusual mark that was on Sam's left pectoral muscle then he headed for the place where The Rodagan Hotel once stood, the place where the most horrific parts of this nightmare began...

~0~

While Dean was on his way to the hotel Garth called to let him know that he couldn't find anything out about the strange mark over Sam's left pectoral muscle, but he did have a lead. As it turned out all the attacks by the spirit had been happening within a certain radius from the center of the downtown business district and it just so happened that a certain "Rodagan Hotel" was once the building nearest to the center of the downtown business district.. PLUS the Rodagan hotel was also right over where a majority of the city's sewer lines connected together.

"Well what d'ya know, I was just headed that way." Dean said with a sick sense of satisfaction, that ONE: Something had finally gone right in this case and TWO: He was a step closer to torching the bones of the evil bitch that had hurt his baby brother and right now he was hoping that when her bones burned, she'd feel the heat and the pain and that she'd know that she was suffering because she'd dared to hurt the person that Dean Winchester loves most in the world...

~0~

The lot where the hotel was once built was now cleared of rubble and it looked like a construction crew was already half a quarter through a rebuild.

"Boy, they don't waste anytime, do they?" Said one of the foremen in a friendly manner as he walked up to Dean and gestured at the building site.

Dean gave him a confused look.

"The owner is kind of in a hury to have the place rebuilt, something about how it's causing him to lose out on a few hundred thousand dollars for every week we take to finish rebuilding it. I'm guessing you're the building inspector?" Said the foreman as he passed Dean a hard hat.

Dean actually had a "badge" for "Building Inspector" in his massive array of badges and it'd be all to easy to play that card, but he'd already introduced himself to some of the hotel staff as "Marshal Taylor" and it'd blow his "cover" should anyone from the hotel staff, who might swing by to check on progress, address him as "Marshall Taylor" in front of the people that he could so easily introduce himself to as "Building Inspector Thomas".

"Actually, no. I'm a U.S. Marshall." Dean replied as he flashed his badge.

"Oh. Why are you here?" The foreman asked.

"Well almost a week ago me and a group of U.S. Marshalls were in the hotel that used to stand here and we were asking around about a string of deaths that looks to be the work of a serial killer and while we were here the hotel went up in flames and my partner was nearly killed. I'm here because I wanted to see if I could get any more leads."

"Well I know what's it's like to lose a partner. I uh.. I used to be on the force and my partner.. He.. Uh.. He died saving my life and after that I had a hard time moving on. I ended up getting kicked off the force because I turned to drinking and refused to get sober. So I understand man. I really do. But I think you'd find your leads better if you talked to the people who determined the cause of the fire."

"I know "what" caused the fire." Dean replied trying not to sound annoyed with someone who couldn't possibly understand the situation. "But I think that the deaths and the fire is all conected and that all of it had to do with where the Rodagan was built... Is there any plans for a basement?"

"No. We're builing over the basement that already exists. It's the only part of the builing that wasn't touched by the fire." The foreman replied. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"Because according to one of the U.S. Marshalls on this case, the Rodagan is built over where most of the sewer lines in the city connect. I think the killer has been using the Rodagan Hotel's basement to get into the sewers and using the sewer lines to get around the city. I need to search the basement." Which wasn't completely a lie. Dean really did believe the bitch was haunting the sewers and any place directly over a sewer line for a certain radius away from the Rodagan, because it was directly over the center. The body the sewer worker had seen nine years ago must have come to rest somewhere under the hotel and now she was able to attack a third of the city anytime something happened to piss her off. Something like all the new construction going on over the sewer lines in the downtown business district right now because of the fires she'd caused during her last tantrum.

Dean could now see things were only going to escalate. The spirit would get pissed about the construction over her resting place, then she'd cause fires, then there'd be more construction to repair the damage she caused, which would piss her off till she caused more fires and each time she got pissed enough to burn something she'd go after more people like Sam, Bella, Ms. Wittiker and all the other people she'd victimized so far...

"Well then I'll do whatever I can to help with your investigation. I just have to clear it with Conrad Lewis, he's the guy who owns the place." Said the foreman.

"I'll wait here." Dean said with a nod.

The foreman walked just out of earshot, then pulled out of cellphone and presumably called the owner of the area where the Rodagan once stood and by the looks of things the owner was bitching the foreman out for whatever reason because the foreman was looking more and more flustered by the second.

After he hung up the foreman started walking back over, he was walking slow and hanging his head and when he reached Dean he sounded thouroughly chastised as he said "He says to come back when you have a warrant. He also said and I quote "Tell the Marshall, good luck with getting a warrant when I'm friends with almost every judge in this city.".. I'm sorry but I'll lose my job if I let you get any closer to the building site."

Dean gave a curt nod as he said "Figures as much. Tell Mr. Conrad Lewis that his suspicious behavior just made him a prime suspect." then he turned to leave. Of course the second he had heard he'd have to have permission from the owner that it wouldn't be as simple as just flashing the badge of some kind of law inforcement, especially when dealing with some one who was rich, in Dean's experience, rich people always had something to hide from the law. It gave Dean a grim sense of satisfaction to think he might be making some snoby rich guy quake in his boots... The dude was momentarily getting in the way of him salting and burning the bones of the bitch that was trying to kill his brother after all..

Dean still wasn't going to let a possible lead slip through his fingers though, not when Sam's life was on the line, so he called Garth and asked him to have Kevin find out everything he could about the guy then he called Benny and asked him to find and discreetly follow Mr. Conrad Lewis... Just in case law inforcement personell weren't the only type of people he was trying to hide things from.

~0~

Once the sun started going down the construction crew began to shut down the site fore the night. Soon there was no one left at the site other than a lone security guard who would probably go inside his little booth to watch old reruns and take a little cat-nap.. Well Dean had his fair share of run ins with plenty of security guards and the guy he was looking at now only worked this job because there was hardly ever any real work to do.

Dean waited for the guy to complete one obligatory walk around the site, then watched him go into the little booth, sit down, turn on a rinky-dink T.V. set, lean back and kick his feet up onto the desk, just as predicted.

As soon as Dean was sure the security guard was well emersed in old episodes of Petticoat Junction he snuck into the site and down into what was once the basement of the Rodagan Hotel... Well it wasn't like Dean was going to let a little thing like "_not having a warrant to search the entire premises_" stop him!

He climbed down into the old elevator shaft and pried open the doors that lead into the basement.. It wasn't too much unlike just about every other basement he'd ever been in, in fact there didn't seem to be anything outstandingly worth hiding.. Really.. There seemed to be nothing special about the basement at all.. But, then WHY would the owner of the hotel freak out over having a "U.S. Marshall" wanting to have a look around down in the basement?.. After all the guy hadn't seamed to have had any problem when "The U.S. Marshalls" needed to search the ninth and fifteenth floors.

No.. Despite appearances, there had to be something worth hiding down in that cluttered old basement and Dean wasn't giving up till he figured out what it was and whether or not it had anything to do with the spirit that was attacking people. Dean searched every box, every dusty, rickidy filing cabinet.. Other than having a few discrepencies with "company spending" which would be proof enough that Mr. Conrad Lewis was embezziling from the payhecks of his employees and there even looked like quite a bit of tax evasion in more than half of the paperwork Dean was finding so yeah Conrad Lewis would be so screwed if Dean really worked for any kind of law enforcement agency.. But Dean didn't really work for any kind of law enforcement agency, so as far as Dean was concerned, searching the basement wasn't exactly leading him to the profound answers he'd been hoping for.

That was until Dean opened up a tall cabinet, it held brooms and mops and Dean was about to close the cabinet back up and walk away. But then he noticed that there was a top shelf and on that top shelf was a box. It was a small shoe box.. But Dean was used to finding make-shift alters, summoning rituals, seriously powerful Hoodo and Voodo crap in the strangest of places, so he reached up to pull the box down and when he did he accidently knocked a broom down from where it was hanging.. And when the broom fell it caught against the handle of one of the other brooms then sort of fell forward, but instead of the other broom falling down, it held firm to the spot it was hung.. But the spot it was hung DID move, it swung out, ever so slightly and that's when Dean realized, that the cabinet had a hidden door in the back...

He pried open the door and it turned out that it was no small door either, once it opened all the way a person could fit through. It was dark but Dean could tell that there was a hallway of some kind, so he pulled out his flashlight and started walking.

The beam of the flashlight revealed a really long cement tunnel, the further he walked down the tunnel, the colder it got, until he was numb from being so cold but Dean still followed the tunnel until he came to yet another door. This door was made of heavy steel, like the kind used for bombshelters and such and when Dean opened it and entered the space behind the door he found something that would haunt him for the rest of his life...

It was another hall but on each side of the hall there were cells, like PRISON CELLS and Dean could hear the frightened breathing of the inhabitants of those cells. He shined his light into the first cell he came across. Inside was a little girl, probably no older than ten and she was curled protectively around another, smaller child, another little girl who looked to be no older than four. Both girls were shaking uncontrolably and they both looked absolutely terrified. Dean's heart clenched in his chest as he realized that they were both naked and filthy, but even with all of the dirt covering them he could see awful bruises, scars and infected slices in their skin.. And the slices looked like numbers.. Just like with Sam.

"It's okay. I'm gonna get you guys out of there... You're safe now.. No one else is gonna hurt you." Dean said soothingly as he started picking the lock. The second the cell door swung opened the older girl started trying to better shield the younger one and by the sounds she was making Dean could tell that if he tried to reach for either child he'd have one hell of an akward fight on his hands.. Of course whoever had hurt these children obviously had to open the cell door to do so, meaning the children thought he was there to hurt them. The knowledge of such a fact made Dean want to cry.

"Okay." He whispered as he stepped away from the cell door, opening the cell wider as he did. "Okay I get it. I'm gonna stay out here. Alright?" He said as he raised his hands to keep them as visible as possible "But I'm gonna leave the door open.. So if you two don't want to stay in there anymore, you don't have to. Okay?" Then he turned and started walking down the rest of the hall.. Every cell.. EVERY _**single**_ cell held two or more children captive within their bars, most of them were little girls.

He lost the contents of his stomach when he opened one cell to find a nine year old girl who was trying to protect a baby.. A **BABY** and from what Dean could see of the infant's legs, even the baby wasn't spared the cruelty that had been inflicted on the other children.

Of all the horrible things Dean had ever seen, this, what he was facing right then was by far the worst.. Those poor child had all obviously been starved, beaten, raped cut up and tortured.. And it looked like most if not all of them had been suffering such atrocities from the day they were born.. Which if Dean was right then that meant that some of the older children were most likely the mothers and fathers.. Maybe even sisters and brothers AND mothers and fathers of some of the younger children.

Once all of the cells he had found were opened.. Because there was no way in HELL that Dean was going to let any of those children stay in locked cells... He pulled out his phone and dialed nine-one-one.

And wasn't it just Dean's luck, that down in that cement cavern there just happened to be no signal?..

Dean had to leave all of the children down in that horrible place while he went to the surface and made a call to the cops because he couldn't get any of them to leave the cells.. Those cells were probably the only place where the children felt any relative safety, as long as there wasn't someone they felt intimidated by standing near the cell doors that was.. He felt really bad because in about thirty minutes all of these children were going to be frightened to the point of panic as the cops and paramedics forced them out of the only place they'd probably ever known and pried them away from each other to take them for medical care..

Knowing what the children were going to go through.. The very _intiment _examinations they'd have to endure, all the medical tests.. Possibly being seperated from their possible brothers and sisters or even sons and daughters as they're placed into the foster care system, those kids were going to go through so many more things that a child just shouldn't have to go through.. It shattered Dean's heart almost as much as knowing what sort of hell they'd already been through. But he knew that all those poor children were going to be safe now..

He also knew that it would take a really long time for any of those children to be able to understand that he had only been trying to do the right thing for them... That he had been trying to save them from the horrors that they'd been subjected to. He really wished that the children wouldn't be ripped out of each other's lives, especially when each other might have been the only good things in life any of those kids had ever had.

When he got to the surface he stayed out of sight and dialed nine-one-one. When he heard the blare of sirens and knew that the children would soon be rescued, he escaped from the construction site unseen so as not to blow his cover as a "U.S. Marshall". He'd let the REAL authorities handle how to deal with taking care of the children.. But after Dean was finished the authorities would be lucky to find any trace of one Mr. Conrad Lewis...

He understood now.. Boy did he understand.. And he almost didn't want to.. The girl, the spirit, that Dean had once thought was the one attacking people, she must have been held captive in one of those cells.. Just like those other children, half of whom looked like they very near to crossing the threshold of Death's door themselves.. And of course the girl could have become a vengeful spirit after having sufffered so badly in life.. PLUS she'd probably died with the knowledge of the suffering of all the other children, some of whom may have been her brothers, sisters, sons and daughters.. Maybe even her own mother and father had suffered the same ways all of those other children had.. Oh yeah, she definitely had good reason to be **PISSED**... But suddenly Dean didn't think that the spirit had been the one actually attacking all the people who'd been vicimized by some sort of "spiritual attack".. In fact NOW he was thinking that the spirit had only been trying to help the children that had been locked in those cells and that she'd probably just been trying to show herself to people who she could connect with, people who would understand, people like her.. But if it wasn't the spirit of the girl that was attacking and killing people then that left more holes in this case.. Holes that seemed imposible to fill in time to save Sam's life...

~0~

A/N: I know it's a short chapter but hopefully everyone will understand that it's all I had at the moment (And just the small amount I wrote for this chapter took THREE DAYS.. Like I said above, kind of hard to concentrate.) and I wanted to at least be able to post something to let people know that I haven't fallen off the face of the planet.

Hopefully I'll be able to get back on some kind of schedule to where I can finish all my stories without putting all the people who read them through months of waiting.

I'd like to thank all those people who PM'd me with concerns for my and my family's well being and I apologize for worrying you guys and for not being able to get back with you right away.. It really has been a tough last few weeks. I really hope I get the results of my son's biopsy soon that way I can stop freaking out (Or start freaking out even more, depending on the results.. I'm doing my best to be optimistic.) and then if the results of the biopsy are good and if I can eliminate some of the worse stressers of my life then I can breath a bit freer and then hopefully I'll be up to writing more often... I promise I WILL finish all the stories I've started and if everything works out the way I want it to then I'll be able to continue writing even more stories in the future.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Well I'm happy to tell everyone that I finally (FINALLY) received the results of the biopsy on the tumor that was removed from my oldest son's chest (it was under his right nipple) and the results were that the tumor was just a benign (Means NOT CANCEROUS (Thank GOD!)) 'fatty cyst' (Which means it was just some fat that developed in my son's breast tissue (Which turns out is VERY common in boys his age, especially boys as tall (When I say tall I'm sayin that by this time next year I'll be looking UP at him and I'm 5' 9') and skinny (Like super skinny) as my son. It was brought on by a sudden growth spurt I guess.).)... Now I can breath a little easier...

I'm glad that this tumor NIGHTMARE has ended with good results (Because it could have been bad and trust me, I do not take that fact foregranted!).).)

Now that I've gotten all the major stress out of my system (For the time being anyway.) I will hopefully be able to unwind a little (Cause boy have I been tense!.. And moody.. And well.. Y'all shurely know how a person can get when they're SERIOUSLY worried over something.. Right?).. And hopefully I'll be able to start getting out more frequent updates..

A/N: So.. Now that I can focus on writing again.. The content that's going to be in this chapter and the next may be considered graphic for some people but it's also going to be SERIOUSLY important to the overall plot so please try and stick through it. I promise to try and not be too graphic with descriptions, but I do want to do justice to the REAL mental, physical, emotional and spiritual PAIN and stress that is felt when a person goes through the sorts of hell (both figuratively and literally) the characters in this story have gone through and will go through..

|Because it hurts.| |Chapter 4.|

Sam felt weak and nausous as his body became disorientingly light.

He knew he was being lifted and that someone was taking him against his will while he was at his most vulnerable and he called out for the only person he wanted by his side.

"Dean.. Please help me." He pleaded in a broken whisper as he felt himself pulled from his hospital bed and lifted into the air and he vaguely wondered how it was that no one was noticing the fact that he was being taken as oblivion claimed his mind once more...

~0~

He felt like he'd done everything he could to make sure that the children he'd found in a man made hell were gotten to safety.. But his concious was still plagued by all the horrors still to come for all of those poor children. He honestly wished he could spare them any more pain and he felt horribly guilty that there was nothing more he could do for them.

When his phone rang.. He was expecting it. He knew every single one of those children had numbers carved into their flesh, even the infant he'd found and he knew that the local authorities would call him because the details involving the children, matched too closely to the "case" that "Marshall Taylor" was working on.

What he wasn't expecting was for his phone to ring so soon. It had only been about an hour since the children were discovered by the proper authorities..

Dean fumbled to get his cell phone open while trying not to wreck as he drove through the downpour of rain that had just started.

"Dean.".. The voice on the other end of the line sounded almost distraught.

Dean hadn't been expecting this.. But now that he heard the voice his heart fell as he stammered out "Doc.. What?.."

"Sam's gone.".. The doctor sounded genuinely remorsefull.. Like he himself was grieving the loss.

Dean felt a clenching sensation in his chest and he tried to breath but found he couldn't.. He didn't realize that at some point auto-pilot had taken over and made him pull over to the side of the road and stop the car.

It hit him all at once, the blinding pain and grief and he had to hold back a sob as he realized his baby brother had died alone, that he hadn't been there to comfort Sam and the last words he'd said to the person most precious to him in all the world had been so.. HURTFUL.. The last words he'd spoken to HIS Sammy had caused his already broken, little brother pain.

Dean couldn't bear it. He had hurt his little brother and now he'd never get the chance to see his brother alive again.. He would never get the chance to make things right.

"When?" Was the only word Dean could choke out as his world came crashing down and he vaguely wondered if Sam had passed away the second he'd realized that he'd lost the signal on his cell phone while down in that horrible place.

It was a weird thing to think about but he couldn't get it out of his head that Sam had died ALONE and while Sam was alone and dying, no one had been able to reach him...

It seemed to be the story of Dean's life.. Sam had needed him and he hadn't been there.. He had been in a place where there had been NO DAMN SIGNAL ON HIS CELL PHONE!.. Dean almost threw the phone right then and there until the doctor's voice broke through his mental tirade.

"About an hour and fifteen minutes ago." The doctor replied..

Anything else the doctor might have been saying got muted as Dean was feeling the agony of how much it sucked to be right.. Sam had died while he was down in that basement, where no one could call him.. He could have been there.. Maybe even on time.. He could have been by his brother's side, if he had gotten the call that Sam was dying .. But he didn't get that call because there'd been no signal.. It had been Dean's worst fear made real..

He had been so afraid to leave Sam's side because he'd been afraid that Sam would die the second he was too far away to get back in time to be there for Sam. But he'd also been too afraid to stay because if he did then Sam would have died because, the reason he was even in the hospital in the first place, had still been attacking him somehow.

It seemed like no matter what Dean would have done he could not have saved Sam, but Dean sure as hell wasn't seeing that.

In his mind there was no such thing as a situation where Sam couldn't be saved. And he, was always supposed to be the one to save Sam...

"Dean, I don't know what to do here." The doctor's statement barely broke through Dean's self recrimations.. The doctor didn't know what to do?.. Sam was HIS family!.. What gave the doctor the right to assume that he got to do anything? He hardly knew Sam!

"I need to know how he got out of this hospital unnoticed." Now the doctor seemed suspicious but Dean's mind went reeling.

"Wait.." Dean said in a winded gasp "You're saying that he's not?.."

"Oh god, I'm sorry.. No he disappeared from his bed and since he was in a coma and would have been too weak to have left on his own even if he did wake up..."

"He had to have been taken." Dean said, tersely finishing the doctor's sentence.

"I thought maybe you would have known something about it."

Dean had to admit, the doctor had a point in thinking that because in revealing monsters, ghosts and demons and what he and Sam did to get rid of them he'd ended up opening up about why he and Sam had practically non-existant medical histories. And admitting that they usually lied about their last names and their occupations had come with admitting that more than half the time one of them wound up hospitilized, they'd end up signing out A.M.A. (or escpaing from the hospital unnoticed) before even finding out the full extent of their injuries or illnesses to avoid ending up either institutionalised or behind bars.

"No.. I had nothing to do with it." Dean wanted to lie and say that he'd never take Sam from the hospital while he was unconscious and in need of medical care.. But that ship had sailed, because he and Bobby had done just that.. And as far as Dean knew, the heart issues, the old head injuries and the M.S. could have all been detected then if they'd just let Sam make it to the M.R.I. or had made him go through one in a different hospital since Siox Fall General had been infested with Leviathan at the time.

Hell, even with as sick as Sam was, Dean knew that if the cops had started acting suspicious that he would have taken Sam from the hospital despite the coma.. Yeah he would have taken Sam somewhere where he could get him medical attention that would be off of any official radar. But the truth was he had no idea how to safely move a person who was in an actual coma or how to care for that person during the move.

And Dean knew that none of the other hunters he was with would have taken Sam without contacting him first.

"Are there security cameras in the halls?" Dean asked trying to stay calm despite all of the nightmare scenarios running through his mind.

"Yeah, but I haven't got a way to get the."..

"I'll take care of getting the footage from the feeds.. I just need you to make sure you're ready to take care of whatever Sam might need medically when I get him back."

"Yeah.. I'll call in a few favors to make sure I'm prepared for anything."

"Thanks.. I'll call you as soon as I have him to let you know we're on our way back." Dean replied numbly as he pulled back onto the road and headed towards the hospital while dialing Garth's number to tell the others that Sam had been taken.

The doctor bade goodbye and goodluck to Dean before hanging up, then he set to work calling in favors with the O.R. staff to make sure that an O.R. would stay open and prepped and that a surgical team stayed ready for just in case Sam needed them along with making sure he could get access to everything else Sam might need on short notice, from M.R.I.'s to medications, the doctor had promised to be ready for anything and he wasn't going to break that promise..

~0~

Dean had just gotten the security guard at the hospital to relequish his post so that "Marshall Taylor" could review the security feeds for over the last four hours alone, when his cell phone started to ring again.

"Marshall Taylor here." Dean answered in the best profesionalvoice that he could muster as he searched the security camera footage for a sign of who or what had taken Sam.

"Dean." Garth's voice came out sounding panicked. "Eight other victims have disapeared from their hospital rooms in over the last two hours."

"Were they all in comas like Sam?"

"That's the weird thing, all the others that were taken had been awake. In fact, one had just talked to their doctor and the doctor walked out of the room, barely got the door closed, then realised she'd forgotten something and went right back in to get it. Dean, she hadn't been out of the room for more than fifteen, twenty seconds tops and when she went back in, the victim was gone.. There was no way in or out of that room except through the door that the doctor hadn't even gotten the chance to take her hand from when she'd turned right back around to go back in the room."

"What about the window?" Dean asked as he pulled op footage from outside Sam's hospital for just in case.

"The victim's room is on the sixth floor and the only windows in his room is a solid pane of glass and it doesn't open.. It was left in one piece. It's like the victim vanished into thin air."

Dean got to the time where Sam disappeared on the footage from the cameras on both ends of the hall outside of Sam's room and on the footage from the hospital's entire parking lot and parking garage. There was no activity in the hall and Sam's room was on the ninth floor.

But the footage from the parking garage.. That was a whole nother story.

Dean could clearly see four men having trouble getting his unconscious baby brother into the back of a van.

Dean had no idea how the men could have gotten Sam from the room without being caught on any of the cameras inside the hospital or how they had moved Sam so quickly from the room to the garage only to have trouble with carrying him now, but he'd figure all of that out later. First he had to find Sam..

He called Garth and had him get Kevin to run the van's plates while he went back to the basement of the Rodagan to search the hidden underground chamber in full, he just knew that there was something about the place that would lead him to Sam.

~0~

Sam couldn't grasp his bearings as he felt his head lulling side. His neck couldn't support the weight of his head and he found it agonizing to feel the weight of his head causing the vertabrae in his neck to click painfully out of place.

His body felt on fire with all of the tingling and aching sensations and he was regretting not having taken his medications before the oncoming attack from his M.S. could get out of hand.

But wait.. That wasn't right, he remembered there being a hospital and a doctor talking about the M.S. and his heart and..

Oh crap.. Dean had been there. Dean knew he was sick, knew he was weak.

That line of thinking made Sam's eyes snap open.

He wanted to tell Dean he was sorry that he didn't look for him. That he had been so lost without him.

He wanted to beg Dean not to leave him now that the truth about how weak he was, was out.

But instead of finding himself in the bright, smelling of antiseptic, clean hospital room he last remembered himself being in, he finds himself in a dim, moldy smelling.. _Dungeon_.. Because Sam had no better word for the room he's woken up in as he scans around him and sees chains, shackles and blood.

That's when fear hits him square in the chest as he realises that he's been chained to a slanted concrete slab and he has no clothes on.

_He feels his heart stuttering in it's struggle to keep beating and all he can think is how he's too weak to survive going through the pain that he knows to anticipate. But he knows Lucifer won't let him die._

_It feels like he's been betrayed, now that he knows the last three and a half years were never real._

_Lucifer could be a truly cruel bastard._

_His heart clenched in his chest as he remembered Dean swearing to be "Stone number one." for him and he felt tears stream down his face as his heart shattered with the knowledge that Dean hadn't really been there, hadn't really said those things._

_There was the sound of a metal door creaking open then banging against concrete. A shadow loomed in the doorway and Sam waited for baited breath to hear Lucifer's sickeningly sweet voice speaking unwanted filth to him._

Memory and nightmare began to bleed into his real, waking present making the pain that started to rain down on him even more torturous.

He recognised the impact of a flogger on his skin.

_He knew it would have only been a matter of time before Lucifer tired of the mind games and started to make things __**physical**__ again._

_He couldn't see the face of the person Lucifer was trying to use to taunt him with this time. He only knew it wasn't Dean or his dad._

He heard a voice shouting indicernable things about breaking.

_Didn't Lucifer know that he was already broken?_

_Didn't Lucifer hear the doctor talking about the damage to his heart?_

_Didn't Lucifer hear the things Dean had said while he pointed a gun at him? Didn't Lucifer understand that, that had hurt him, that it had broken him?_

He didn't know where he was anymore or what to believe. Part of him was so sure that the last three and a half years had been real. That he wasn't in The Cage with Lucifer anymore, that he could still have a chance to make things right with Dean but he was afraid to hope. Hope was almost as frightening as the despair but he catches himself hoping anyway.

Memory, nightmare, reality all churned together like a whirpool as Sam swam through varying states of consciousness. But none of those states of consciousness allowed for him to stay in their current for long and he would find himself being swept away by a different tide and there was nothing in the stormy sea of confusion and terror for him to grab onto...

~0~

Sam doesn't know how much time has passed. All he knows is that his body has been beaten, tortured and violated again and he's so sure that there have been multiple assailants.

_But Lucifer does LOVE to play mind games._

The pain doesn't feel like it should.

Something about this pain feels more _REAL_.

_But Lucifer did say that he's done a lot with pain. Maybe he's learned how to make it feel more real now?_

There's a moment, he's pretty sure that he was close to lucid for a whole fifteen seconds where he realised he didn't recognise the faces hurting him.

_It's the first time that Lucifer has used someone he's never known. Maybe Lucifer thought that this would be more entertaining?_

_He hears taunts of how no one loves him, how he's never been more than a burden to anyone, how he's never deserved anything good.. How he's worthless._

_Lucifer could be a truly cruel bastard..._

Fear, anger, disgust, shame and humiliation war against the battered soul that tries desperately to cling to faith, trust, hope and love.

It's a true test of strength for him to keep holding on and the pain of everything happening to him disguises the fact that more cuts have formed on his left pectoral muscle...

There's agony and so much blood that red is all Sam can see before things fade to black once more...

~0~

Blurred shapes and muted colors are the only things he can see when his eyes open again.

_He hates it when Lucifer takes away his ability to see._

There's muffled voices coming from all around him and.. _Lucifer is laughing at him, singing "I told you, so. I told you, so. You never, left, The Cage."_

It's all too much and he clenches his eyes firmly shut and plans to never open them again.

The feeling of being torn in half, long ways, from the bottom up as someone forces something large, blunt and unforgiving into his bowels, makes his eyes fly open from the intensity of the pain.

_It's a good thing he hadn't planned to not give Lucifer the satisfaction of his screams or he'd be having to deal with his failure over that as well. _

He can see the shadowy form of the rapist looming over him.

He can feel a fleshy, sweat slicked, male phalicy pulsing as it slides between the flesh of his buttocks to painfully, bottom out inside him and he tries to fight back.

He's pretty sure that when he thrusted his head forward that he connected to the center of a face.

_It almost gives him a good feeling to know that he can make Lucifer scream to._

_He thinks Dean would be proud.._

He hears yelling. He's pretty sure it's directed at him. Something about a broken nose and bad behavior and he's also pretty sure that he doesn't give a damn.

_Lucifer deserved it!_

There's more pain. He's pretty sure that he's being flogged again. But it's to be expected.

_Lucifer would never let his fighting back go unpunished._

_There's the smell of burnt flesh and he's screaming because he knows he's been branded. _

_Hot metal scorches his skin again and he knows it won't stop. It never stops until Lucifer has branded every inch of him. _

_But Lucifer will take away the burns, the skin will be like new, then Lucifer will start it, all, over, again. _

_The pain leaves him shaking, whimpering, there's tears pouring down his face and he feels so.. Lost.. There's so much despair because he knows it will never stop. _

_Lucifer will never stop. Will never, leave, him, alone._

_There's so much despair and it's eating away at the good things, it's trying to take away the light of hope._

He's lost count of how many times the number on both sides of his right thigh and bottom lip has increased due to the new rapes being recorded in the macabre log carved all over his body.

The despair he felt from everything crashing together was so frighteningly overwhelming.

But he held onto hope.

He didn't even know what he was hoping for anymore. But he was hoping anyway.

He let out a pained groan as more cuts formed on his left pectoral muscle. He didn't know what they represented yet or why they were taking so long to complete. He just wanted the pain to stop.

He wanted to be found, to be safe, to finally be good enough, to finally get to deserve having something good, to be loved.. To not be worthless anymore...

~0~

Dean climbed down into the elevator shaft and pried the elevator doors to the basement open once again.

He no longer had to worry about any security guards because the entire construction site was now a closed crime scene.

The "B" button lit up the second Dean pried the doors open and the sound of the ding of the elevator doors going off almost gave Dean a heart attack. There hadn't been power in the elevator last time. Maybe the cops had to turn it on to get the children out of the basement?

He scanned everything he came across as he made his way back to the hidden underground chamber he had found the children in almost three hours ago. Everything he could possibly find meant more, was so much more important now that it might be the one thing that helped him find Sam.

Finding the cells again made Dean feel as if he were about to be sick.

There was still blood in places on the walls and floor and the smell of infected wounds still hung in the air and it took everything Dean had not to lose it right then and there.

He had to keep a level head.

He had to go further into the chamber, to wherever the rest of the tunnel led.

He hadn't been able to keep searching before, but he wasn't going to leave any stone unturned this time.

He had to find a way to get Sam back...

~0~

A/N: Well... I tried not to be overtly graphic in my descriptions, and I feel I've done justice to the pain and fear that Sam's going through, especially since he's in a state of mind where he can't tell that he's not in The Cage, which I think would be a genuine state of mind that anyone in Sam's situation would be going through. I tried to make it a mix of flashbacks and nightmares being confused for the reality that he's currently dealing with and I honestly think it would be hard for Sam to distinguish past from present and nightmare from the waking world.

Some readers may notice how I used the line "_Lucifer could be a truly cruel bastard._" twice.. I wanted to sort of subtly emphasize that Lucifer played the sorts of mind games where he'd let Sam think that it was over, that he was out of The Cage, then pulled Sam right back in and started up with the tried and true methods of causing Sam even more mental anguish.

As much as I feel that I've done justice to what Sam is going through (Especially with the state of mind he's in.) I also feel like I've chickened out on how dark I could have made this chapter go, I honestly didn't want to lose readers, squick people out or get tons of flaming reviews because of me dishing out too much pain and gore (Which I could. I really could.. If I weren't such a chicken... But.. Who knows?.. I might decide to not be such a chicken in the next few chapters.. I'm just working up to allowing myself to put the darkness on the page. (When that happens, hopefully the readers wanting and expecting dark (Like REALLY **DARK**) will be pleased).). ANYWAY.. I hope everyone who reads this story is enjoying it and as always.. Please review!


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:** So.. It seems that now I'm not so stressed I'm having an easier time writing. I would like to thank everyone who offered prayers and kind words of support, knowing you would still be here to read this story whenever I was ready to post the newest updates helped me keep up my moral as a writer. I really mean it, all of your prayers and kind words meant so much to me especialy during such a very stressful time.

**A/N:** Now there are some things from Season 8 that I'd like to point out (For those of you who read my other works, you know I tend to do this sort of thing from time to time, but I promise this won't take long.) For those of you who have read my story "PURE ONES SUPERNATURAL." you know that I posted in one of my Author's Notes that Lebanon, Kansas is the geograpical center of the United States (Well it's actually a few miles North West of Lebanon) and that technically makes Lawrence, Kansas the heart of the country and NOW Lebanon is where Sam and Dean's new "Batcave" is.. I KNEW Lebanon, Kansas WAS GONNA BE IMMPORTANT!

Also I think Metatron was lying about there being ONLY ONE Nephilim on Earth, either that or Metatron doesn't know that Azazel (A.K.A. The Yellow Eyed Demon) bled into Sam's mouth when Sam was six months old and since (According to REAL lore) Azazel was an angel before he became a demon.. Wouldn't that have given Sam both demonic AND angelic powers (Wouldn't that sort of make Sam a Nephilim/demon hybrid?)?

**A/N:** **WARNINGS:**.. This chapter is going to have some dark areas (Darker areas than the last Chapter, but I'll still do my best not to be overtly graphic.) and it will be full of Hurt!/Limp!Sam (There will definitely be a lot more torture in this Chapter.) and will have a few moments of Protective!/PissedOff!/Murderous!Dean.. This chapter will also have some explainations as to what's going on and who's behind all of this.. The first part of this chapter may seem like a completely different story (I swear it's not) as I introduce a new character (Not my own OC.. It will just be my own characterization of an imprisioned Goddess.. Goddess? You ask?.. You get not but an evil laugh and wicked raise of eyebrows says I!) whose true identity will not be revealed until close to the end of the story (Aren't I a rascal?) but once I do reveal the character's true identity I hope that people applaud my cleverness (Some might be able to guess the identity of the Goddess and if someone does then they can applaud my genuis once they figure it out!..)

**A/N:** Not slash, but there are implications (**Slight** implications.. Just like in Canon) that there is something more between Sam and Dean besides just being brothers... And.. There's some smoopy thoughts Sam has about Cas.. But in Sam's defense, he's a little crazy in this chapter.. Still not slash though!

ANYWAY.. On to the story!

|Because it hurts.| |Chapter 5.|

She preffered to be called Angie.. She hated her given name because she was more than a few millinia old and she still could not pronounce her own name properly. She had absolutely no idea what Bergelmir had been thinking when he allowed her mother to give her a name that only a handful of beings in the whole univers could pronounce. And Angie was NOT in that handful..

Maybe that was part of her curse.

Of course it was. She's wasn't a fool and she knew it wasn't a coincedence that it would have to be the proper pronounciation of her name spoken out loud that frees her from captivity. She would love to serve Odin's balls to him on a platter for making it so easy to bind her. She is a Goddess, yet her imprisoment binds all of her powers except the abilities that her captor uses for his own sick means.

She had been wishing for the day where she could be free so that she could reign despair upon the man who was using her powers to victimize innocent people. Then the day came where she smelled a familiar scent and thought her love had come to rescue her, but her love's scent was faint and carried in by the stronger scents of two hunters and one other who smelled faintly of her her love while also smelling like a thunderstorm.

She knew that the hunters and perhaps even the other, would prove to be strong allies, if only she could alert them to her presence...

~0~

Dean followed the tunnel past the area where he had found the cells, it turned out that the tunnel looked to be bricked up after so far down, which explained why the cops weren't still down there doing a search.

But the bricked up look was deceiving in it's appearence for it hid a secret chamber that eventually widened out to reveal that the tunnel continued on past the wall. The main tunnel had many areas were it forked and Dean had to resist the urge to explore where each fork in the tunnel lead. He knew that he had to find where the main tunnel lead to first, then he could back track and check the other tunnels that branched out.

The further he went down the main tunnel, the colder it became. It was just like when he had searched the first part of the tunnel earlier. He wondered if the spirit of the girl had indeed moved on once the children had been rescued or if she was still here, or if it was the spirit of another child, who had died in such a horrible way, that was causing the frigid cold.

The tunnel became so cold that the walls, the ceiling and the floor were covered in several thin layers of ice and suddenly Dean knew that something was way, way off because there's no kind of spirit that he knows of that has the ability to make it that damned cold nor the ability to keep the temperature so consistantly freezing enough for ice to actually accumulate.

The main tunnel led to an icy brick wall that had two doors. One door was HUGE, and made from some kind of metal that Dean couldn't identify under all of the ice and the other door was small and looked to have once been some kind of service access to the sewers. The huge door had some sort of metal locking mechanism that encompassed a wide array of strange designs that had been etched into the metal.

Dean wished he had Sam with him because Sam would have probably known what all the symbols meant. Dean could hear Sam saying "_They look to be some type of hyrogliphics.. Possibly Aztec.. Maybe Incan._" or something really smart and geeky like that.

Whatever the symbols where, they were important so Dean took pictures of each of them.

For now Dean had to assume that it wouldn't be safe to try and open either door until the symbols were translated but he needed to search the rest of the tunnels before he could return to the surface where he'd have a signal on his cell phone so that he could send the pictures.

Searching the mostly dead end tunnels became frustrating to Dean, there was only one tunnel that made the search worth while. It went straight to the surface and looked to be some sort of vehicle access. Dean figured that it must have been how the sick freak or freaks had moved children into and out of the basement of the Rodagan without being seen.

Dean used the vehicle access and made his way to the surface. The tunnel had lead out to a place that was secluded and well hidden by several trees and lots of wild shrubs. Dean figured that the tunnel's vehicle access had lead to about ten miles out of the city. That meant he'd been underground, following the vehicle access for over three hours without realising it. The only thing that had mattered to him was the hope that the vehicle access would somehow lead to Sam and when it hadn't Dean became more agrivated because he didn't know where Sam was or what was happening to him.

As soon as he made his way to a spot where his cell phone could recieve a signal, Dean sent the pictures of the strange symbols to Garth's cell phone and waited. Because if Cas could do a speedy translation, then it might be possible for Dean to figure out how to open both doors at the end of the main tunnel and see where they might lead...

~0~

The smell of her love had disappeared for some time, so Angie was estatic when suddenly she smelled the scent of her love being carried closer by the air of one of the hunters. This hunter also carried with him the scents of the other two she had scented earlier and now that he was closer she could sense that the other hunter was this one's son/brother/soulmate all wrapped into one man and the other sent, the one who smelled like a thunderstorm, he was family to the hunters, but also to her love in ways that she couldn't yet identify.

She did what she could to alert the hunter to her presence, but the only power she had access to was her ability to make it colder in the area around her cell and the only reason she still had access to at least that was the fact that she would die without the frigid temperature that only she or another Hyperborean God could manifest. Her heart broke with disapointment as her attempt to be found failed because the scent of the hunter and the scents he carried with him began to weaken until they vanished again once more...

~0~

Dean's phone rang only a little over five minutes after he'd sent the picture text butn the wait had felt like forever.

"Please have good news." Dean begged as he answered the phone.

"Cas says the symbols are mostly a mix of Germanic, Nordic and Celtic BUT.." Garth replied wearily as he tensed up in preperation from the lashing out of Dean's temper.. At least he was well out of swinging distance, or so he hoped and of course he gave a quick look around just to be sure.

"But what?" Dean growled.

"_DEFINITELY PISSED_." Garth thought as he answered.

"Then there's some that are only known to those who are from certain parts of the land of the Fae."

"Damn it Garth!" Dean barked "Cas is a friggin angel, he should know every friggin language there is!"

"Well, none of the Fae are exactly forethcoming about their secrets." Castiel's voice stated from the background. That's when Dean realised he was on speaker.

"Cas." Dean did his best to reel in his temper before he threw his phone. "Is there a way to find out what the symbols you can't translate mean?"

"I doubt it. The Fae don't exactly like angels."

"I don't give a damn, whether they like you or not! I don't care what you have to do, get me a translation!"

"It's going to take some time."

"I'm giving you thirty minutes, Cas."

"Dean, that's imposs.."

"Make it happen." Dean snarled the order as he abruptly hung up to cut off any more of Cas' attempts to get him to see reason. The only thing Dean saw as reasonable at the moment was slaughtering whatever and whoever stood in the way of him getting Sam back, alive. Anything and everything else could be eventually dealt with as long as Sam was still alive.

~0~

His hands were bound above his head and he was hanging from his wrists and the tips of his toes were barely scraping the ground.

Parts of his body had been torqued into grotesque angles, he could feel the bone of one of his ribs jutting against the soft, squishy tissue of his heart, while another protuded his right lung, the constriction on both sides made it nearly impossible to breath.

_But in Hell, injuries like those don't matter. _

_Lucifer will make sure that he keeps breathing, even when he's reduced to nothing more than a wasted, charred, bloody pile of his own insides.. And that just so happens to be one of Lucifer's favorite ways to have him, so he knows the feeling quite well. _

_He's pretty sure that Lucifer's already taken the pleasure to rip his intestines out with a barbed, feline penis.. Turns out Lucifer sees himself as part lion. Or maybe that's all angels._

He vaguely remembers someone talking about Zachariah saying he had four faces, one of which was a lion and he also remembered that somewhere in The Bible it talked about how a lot of different angels had four faces that faced the four corners, six wings, two legs, but four feet on each leg that also pointed to the four corners.

He was lost to thoughts about what angels might really look like and it got him to thinking of Cas. He'd bet money on one of Cas' faces being a dove, as it was the only bird he could think of that could find it's way home, even when that home had moved.. And Cas always found his way to him and Dean somehow no matter how much they moved around.

Or at least he was pretty sure that the Ark hadn't set still the entire time it took for the dove to find an olive branch..

That was another reason he was sure that at least one of Castiel's faces must be a dove, because he was always trying to bring peace into chaos.. And then there was the fact that as much as Cas did his best to help, he was sort of a 'bird brain' about a lot of things. The thought of how Cas looked like a bird when he tilted his head made Sam start laughing as his broken mind, started putting an image of Cas tilting his head side by side of an image of a dove doing the same, the comparrison was just too uncanny.

He heard footsteps approach and he started taunting his captor.

"Come back to play, Little Luci?"_ Lucifer hated being reffered to as little in any way and he hated being called "Luci" even more, but Sam would gladly risk Lucifer's wrath because it meant that Lucifer would focus on him and leave Michael alone for a while._

"What did you just say?" Asked a voice that wasn't Lucifer's, _but Lucifer has played this game, SO MANY times.._ Sam honestly wonders who Lucifer is using to torture him with this time.

_Could they be someone he barely knew in passing while at Stanford?_

_Perhaps they were various people from cases, he's worked? After all he's lost count of how many cops, grieving husbands, grieving fathers, coroners, priests and cemetary caretakers he's briefly crossed paths with throughout his life.. Then there was all of the gas station attendants, hotel managers, cashiers, bartenders.. The list went on, of the grab bag of faces that Lucifer could choose from in this new reality he had created._

_Lucifer must be bored as hell.._ The thought of that irony made Sam laugh again.

He felt a dull, searing pain in his back as a belt lashed into him.

"What's so funny?" The voice that Lucifer was using asked angrily.

"Jus thinkin 'ff how b. . you had. be to come up with all of this." Sam could barely manage to whisper though all of the blood either conjealing in or bubbling out of his mouth.

There was more pain as the man started punching him in the torso.

"Crazy bastard." The man muttered as he momentarily moved away.

_Man, Lucifer hated it all of the times he managed to find distractions from the pain._

Sam was lost in thought again, this time he thought about his anchor, his rock, his brother.

"_Dean._" His mind cried, he needed the strength that thinking about his brother, his protector provided. Without that strength, he would break.

Sam could sense that the man had returned.

As he felt the hits from what he could only guess was a wooden baseball bat he let part of his mind wail for how he missed his brother while another part of his mind retreated from the pain and the rest of his mind wondered what Lucifer would have in store for him over the course of the rest of eternity...

_He sometimes wondered if Lucifer was even aware that he could loose consciousness here._

_Or if Lucifer knew anything about how a human soul was rendered by only the effects of The Cage itself.. _

_After all he was presumably the only human to ever wind up there. So how would Lucifer know what just the tortures of The Cage could do to a person all by themselves?_

_Maybe he was unconscious only because The Cage itself allowed it?_

_Maybe it was divised as part of the torture?_

_It would seem like it, especially since every time he passed out he woke up either to a different torture than the one that rendered him unconscious or he'd wake up tied in yet another contorted position, which would eventually lead to more torture once it was noticed he was awake._

_Maybe it was all just a part of the mentality of the person being tortured? It was after all highly unnerving to be so disoriented and confused each time he came to._

_Maybe it was all apart of Lucifer's game and had nothing to do with The Cage? Maybe The Cage has no effect on a human soul, yet is designed to drive Archangels insane?_

_Maybe that's why the torture is different all of the sudden? Maybe Lucifer's finally lost it?..._

_Like Michael lost it about eighty years ago?..._

_"Or maybe I've finally lost it?"_ Sam thinks, as he wakes up to the escruciating pain of the thick part of the baseball bat being shoved so intimently into his bowels.

But he doesn't scream. He hasn't been able to scream for hours...

~0~

_Lucifer's voice mocks him. Calls him weak._

_He hears his dad saying he's not good enough._

_His father tells him he's the reason his mom is dead. _

_He hears the Yellow Eyed Demon talk about why his mom and Jessica died and he knows his father was right._

_He hears as Dean practically says he wasn't a good enough son to their father and by extension their mother because he had left for a "Normal life" instead of questing to avenge her._

_He hears Dean practically saying that he's not a good enough brother._

_His father tells him he's going to be the reason Dean dies._

_He watches, again and again as Dean gets ripped to shreds by Hellhounds and knows his dad was right yet again._

_Lucifer taunts him. Tells Sam that his own father's last thoughts in life had been about how Sam would become evil and how Dean would have to kill him._

_He listens over and over again as Dean's voice calls him a "Monster." a "Blood sucking FREAK." a "Vampire."_

_He hears Castiel saying "Worthless."_

_He watches countless times as Dean throws away the thing that had symbolized their bond for nearly twenty years._

_Sam weeps as he scoops The Amulet from the bottom of the trash can and cradles it to his broken heart because he just can't leave it there. It's a part of him, it's his heart, his soul and it belongs to Dean, but Sam can't leave it in the garbage even if that's what Dean feels Sam deserves. _

_He watches in his mind's eye as he falls into The Cage and sees how The Amulet represents him, the way it fell, the way he fell, and he hopes that Dean will find where he hid it and understand that it's a part of THEM. That it's a part of them and he couldn't throw it away and he hopes if Dean does find it someday that he won't throw it away again or think it "Worthless" ever again._

_He doesn't want his love to be "Worthless". _

_The hope that Dean will someday think Sam is "Good enough" that Sam's love is "Worth" wearing The Amulet again is sometimes the only thing that keeps Sam going in such a horrible place like The Cage._

_He wants so bad, just to be good enough. To be a good enough son, to be a good enough brother, to be good enough to have salvation._

_He doesn't want to be an "abomination", he doesn't want to be tainted or dirty, he doesn't want to become evil and most of all he doesn't want to let Dean down. So he can't let The Cage break him. _

_He refused to break, even when Lucifer tried tempting him with a reprive from the torture if he would torture Michael._

_Lucifer told Sam that it was okay, that it was actually Michael's fault that they're both in The Cage in the first place._

_Lucifer called Michael "Daddy's good lttle soldier." said that Michael is "A good dog that obeys his Master." and that's why they're in The Cage, so it was okay to cause him pain, that it was right and just and would give them both vengeance._

_Sam refused and when Lucifer turned to hurt Michael his self, Sam stepped in between them and begged Lucifer to leave Michael alone and even after sixty years of pain, he offered himself up to Lucifer in Michael's stead._

_He remembers hearing Michael crying and wailing to a father that couldn't hear him "Save him father, I beg you!"_

_He remembers Michael pleading with Lucifer "Brother! Look at what we've done! We've condemened a truly righteous man to a cruel fate! If you continue to hurt him now, then you will deserve a damnation far worse than the one our father created for you here!"_

_He doesn't know what Michael meant, doesn't think that Michael could have possibly been talking about him. _

_But he does know that both GOD and Lucifer ignored Michael's pleas._

_That seemed like more than a century ago. And because GOD and Lucifer had ignored Michael's pleas, Michael was driven to insanity and Sam was helpless as he watched Michael lose his mind._

_That's when Lucifer had seperated them and Sam hasn't seen Michael since and Lucifer wouldn't say what was happening with Michael, instead Lucifer just seems more determined than ever to make Sam suffer unspeakable agony, to break Sam, to make Sam shatter._

~0~

When he wakes up again, he wonders how long he's been unconscious for this time, he knows, that night has turned to day and he applauds Lucifer for including such details as roosters crowing in this new reality that's been created for Lucifer's entertainment.

He tries to open his eyes, but one is too swollen and crusted in blood, so he can only manage to partially open one and even then his eyesight is blurry.

This time he's chained with his arms above his head, but he's hanging against a wall instead of the middle of the room.

It gave him an opprotuntity to take in more of the surroundings that Lucifer had put in place. He had to say that Lucifer put in a lot of work on the details.

Normally it would be, or it would at least resemble, a place he's been before. But Lucifer has upped his game and created a whole new place that Sam has never seen, let alone ever been in.

_Maybe it was a mash up of several different places?_

_It looked like there were catacombs. Which would be easy enough to fuse with what looked to be the combination of a steriotypical dungeon, creepy ass old world basement and slavery auction house all rolled into one._

_It was possible that Lucifer had taken multiple places from books Sam had read, movies Sam had seen and Sam's real life experiences to create this place._

As he speculated how and with what Lucifer had created this new reality, he looked around as much as he possibly could and saw a familiar face.

"That's weird." He whispered outloud.

_He wasn't expecting to see Bela Talbot and he wondered just how Lucifer was going to use her to hurt him..._

~0~

When the thirty minutes he'd given Cas were up he hit the speed dial and impatiently waited for Garth to pick up.

Garth didn't even get a chance to say anything as Dean snapped "Put Cas on the phone."

"Dean?" Castiel's voice sounded weary.

"You better have good news."

"All I could find out is that the symbols come together to state that behind that door is an imprisoned Goddess, whose name must be spoken outloud to free her."

"What does that mean exactly?"

"I don't know?"

"How do I open the door?"

"I'm guessing you turn the doorknob."

"Now's not the time to be a smartass."

"I'm not. The symbols give no indication that the door is different from any other door."

"What about the locking mechanism?"

"The symbols give no indication that there's any special way to unlock the door, Garth thinks the lock looks like something off of shipping containers that are meant for shipping things that need to be secured, like biohazards."

"So, there's no bad magic on the door?"

"No."

"What about the Imprisoned Goddess? What does an Imprisoned Goddess have to do with what's happening?"

Garth's voice came on the line again "Well according to lore. If certain spells are used, Gods and Goddesses can be bound, or imprisoned and then whoever is keeping them bound or captive can use that God's or Goddess' powers as if they were their own and the God or Godess is left immortal but with no powers unless their captors grant them the use of a power. So they wouldn't be able to do anything to stop the misuse of their powers because essentially they've been made human."

"Well, that sounds like it sucks to be the Goddess. But what does that have to do with what's happening?"

"Well maybe whatever or whoever is hurting people is using the Goddess' power. After all, the simultaineous multiple attacks, the odd way those people disappeared..."

"Too much for just a spirit to pull off."

"Right."

"So if she's freed then.."

"Whatever or whoever is using her power loses the powers and the powers go back to her."

"So, then tell me about this Goddess."...

"As far as we can tell she's the Germanic "Distress Bringer.". Um, some kind of Frost Giant, a Hyperborean as best as I can tell."

"Distress Bringer. That doesn't sound good."

"Well according to lore she's one of the good guys, she supposedly only brings distress to those who deserve it."

"Well then hopefully she'll be on our side. And I can set her free just by saying her name?"

"Yeah."

"So.. What's her name?"

"I can't pronounce it."

"Put Cas back on the phone." Dean was getting annoyed, fast.

"He can't pronounce it either."

"Damn it Garth! Just spell the damn thing out!"

"A-N-G.."...

There was a noise that sonded like metal caught in a garbage disposal, then Garth's end of the line became silent.

"Garth?!..".. Dean pulled the phone from his ear to see on the screen that the call had been dropped and there was no longer a signal.

"Damn it!" Dean cursed as he kicked the trunk of a nearby tree. "Son of a bitch!"

He wanted to cry. Setting the Goddess free might be the only way to save Sam...

The Goddess.. The door...

_"Just open the door and get HER to tell you her name dumbasss!" _Dean's mind shouted in reprimand.

It may have taken him over three hours to reach the end of the underground vehicle access the first time, but he flew through the tunnel this time and it took him only half the time to get back to the doors...

When he pulled the lever up and slid it over then turned the wheel, the twenty foot tall door unlocked and opened without any problems.

The temperature in the room was the coldest Dean had ever felt, he'd heard the expression "Colder than Hell." before, many times. But this kind of cold gave that phrase meaning.

A chill, not from the cold, went up Dean's spine as he thought about Hell, about how Lucifer had said he "Burned cold.".. Now all Dean could think about was Sam and "_Did Sam spend over a hundred years, feeling even colder than this?"_

The thought replayed itself a few times and each time brought with them new images of Sam, huddled in a corner, trying to get warm, of Sam covered in frost, shivering, crying in pain from just the cold, of Sam cowering as Lucifer towered over him.. Then there were thoughts of Sam being beaten, tortured, violated in the worst possible ways.. He kept seeing his baby brother, the kid he practically raised, beaten to a bloody pulp, flinching at the slightest of triggers.

Dean wanted to break down and sob, he wanted to have Sam back, he wanted Sam back safe, unharmed, and Chick-Flick Moments be damned, he didn't care, he wanted to hold his little brother, to comfort Sam, take away all of the bad and protect Sam from ever being hurt again, even from himself..

He was so ready to just tear Alantic City apart brick by brick, till it was all rubble or until he found Sam and he would find Sam and then he might still go ahead and tear down Alantic City, just on principle.

Then when Sam was found and the city was laid to waste from Dean Winchester's wrath, Dean would cradle Sam.. YES cradle him, hold him, whisper soothing reassurances in his ear along with promises of a real home and an end to hunting for good if that's what Sam really wanted. Saving people, hunting things, the family business, could all go to Hell, for all Dean cared, saving people, sheer strangers with bad enough luck to come face to face with things from the supernatural realm, wasn't important anymore if it meant possibly loosing Sam.

In the center of the room was a fifteen foot tall pillar of ice and it wasn't until Dean saw chains that were bolted to the wall tethered to that pillar of ice was in fact the imprisoned Goddess.

He set to work with getting rid of the chains he could reach and the Goddess begain to stir.

"I'm here to help." He stated quickly. Powers or no powers she could still hurt him with the strength of her size if she wanted to.

"I know." The Goddess replied. "I was wondering if you'd ever open the door."

"I.. Uh.. Well, okay then.." Dean let himself trail off. He hadn't expected her to seem like she'd known that he had been outside.

"I've been waiting since the first time I caught your scent almost a week ago." She sounded like she had been so desperate for rescue.

Dean could only imagine how she must of felt. Which led to him thinking about how Sam must be feeling.

He worked faster at dispatching the chains from the bound Goddess and soon she was free of the chains.

"So.. I need to know your name so we can get you your powers back." Dean stated as he moved towards the door.

"I can't pronounce it."

"You can't pronounce your own name?" Dean felt the situation was incredulous with it's irony.

"I'm afraid that's part of my curse.. After all it's only my name spoken outloud properly that will truly set me free.. Makes me wish I didn't start making everyone call me Angie the second I turned five moons old.. Maybe then I'd at least know how to say my own name."

Oh yeah.. Definitely ironic.

"Okay "Angie"... Can you spell it for me?"

Just then noises echoed through the tunnel. It sounded like voices.

Interupted again, Dean needed to get the Goddess out of here, then he could ask her to write her name down.

_"Rrrriiiigghhhttt... A fifteen foot tall, moving, block of ice that was shaped like a woman isn't gonna attract any kind of unwanted attention."_

Dean had no idea what he'd been thinking. There was no way..

_"Underground vehicle access. That leads to isolated woods."_

_"Duh."_

This felt almost as bad as the time he'd tried to break open a pane of glass with the butt of his LOADED pistol.

"I need to get you out of here." He said as he tried to nudge the Goddess to follow him.

And of course the second he stepped out of the room he came face to barrel with a standard police issue nine milimeter GLOCK...

~0~

_It was almost nice to see a familiar face._

_Okay.. So the owner of the face had shot him once and had intended to kill him on at least one occasion._

_But Sam was pretty sure Bela had been a wounded soul, like him._

_There had once been, just something kismet between them that he'd recognized when he'd crossed paths with her a second time.. Like he had felt she might have been someone who could've related to some of the horrible things he'd suffered through during his childhood._

_Then there had been the other connection he had with her. The dirty, naughty, semi-wet dream he'd once had about her, that he still felt guilty about sometimes._

_Maybe that's why she was here?_

_Maybe Lucifer wanted to rub his nose in what a dirtybadwrong pervert he could be?_

_BUT.. If Lucifer, really, wanted to convince him that this was reality was real, and Lucifer had been working so very hard at that (and very nearly succeeding to the point where he could harly tell where the blurry lines between The Cage and this reality were), then Lucifer wouldn't have brought in a face that he was sure to recognize._

_Unless Lucifer was as far gone as him and wasn't realizing there was the face of someone he knew to be dead interjected into a reality he was suppossed to believe is real?_

_Maybe Michael going of the deep end really did finally cause Lucifer to go off the deep end?_

_After all Lucifer had gotten even more surly and violent right after he had taken Michael to a different part of The Cage._

_At this rate it wouldn't be long until Lucifer drug images of Dean into this game.._

_Lucifer was either crazy or bored __**or both**__._

_They were stuck here for eternity after all, Sam knew he deserved that, but even Lucifer had an imagination that stretched only so far._

_Or maybe Lucifer kept coming back to the same things because they worked?_

He gave Bela what he hoped was a comforting smile... There was no reason to be unfriendly after all, she was chained up like him and it looked like she'd been through a hell of a beating and maybe even worse, if Sam knew Lucifer the way he thought he did then definitely worse.

And even though he knew she wasn't really here Sam didn't want to see her or anyone suffering, especially not for the sake of Lucifer's sick games.

Sometimes he wished Lucifer would leave other people out of it, even the faces he didn't recognize were faces that shouldn't be here. It was the worst kind of wrong to bring pain, degredation or dishonor to others, even if those others were figments of his and Lucifer's demented imaginations.

Sam blushed as he realized Bela was as naked as he was.

Of course she was, because either Lucifer was making a point of hurting her in front of him or he was making a point that he was a sick bastard that had once had the beginnings of a filthy dream about the poor woman now chained before him and this was a display of what was happening to her now, somewhere else in Hell, because she'd been unlucky enough to simply cross paths with him.

Yeah, now he felt really guilty for that dirty dream.

He'd picked up long ago on the pattern that any woman he had any kind of sexual attraction to ended up dead. And now here Bela's image was, being used in Lucifer's sick and twisted reality. She didn't deserve that, even if she did once intend to kill him.

He felt more alterations to various carvings all over his body, a few more for numbers for all the times and ways he'd been raped, a few more numbers for the guilt.. Honestly he was loosing track of what was being recorded where, even with the creepy as voice insistantly whispering inside his mind to try to force him to remember and comprehend.

But the part of him that could grasp any of that had started slipping away.. He couldn't remember when.

So he just hung there, kept trying to wordlessly reassure Bela, because his wrecked throat couldn't handle allowing him to make any sort of noise, let alone handle allowing him to speak.

It was him, Bela and maybe two or even three other people hanging on the walls, but he couldn't see so well at the moment with the lights so dim and his periphial vision messed up so much and some kind of collar kept him from turning his head. So, the only person he could see at the moment was Bela.

He felt the tingling sensations that signaled a new onslaught of his MS rearing it's ugly head to bite and attack with a fury and vengence so harsh that he had no clue what he'd been thinking when he'd decided skipping his meds was a good idea. He honestly didn't want to have to deal with the severity of attacks like the one he could feel coming, and he definitely didn't want to have to endure the intensity of such strong and frequent back to back attacks like he knew would happen without the proper dosages and timely uses of his medicines.

Nope.. No idea what he'd been thinking when he thought quiting his meds was a good plan.

_"Except.. All of this isn't real." _A voice that sounded like Lucifer whispered in his ear. "_You know what you have to do to end it."_

_"You know what you have to do to see what's real, Sammy."_

"_Don't call me that_." He growled at the voice. "_You already know that I won't.. I won't let you make me go that far_."

_"Aww.. Sammy."_

_"I said don't call me that!"_

_"You've already gone that far a few times. Look at your arms.."_

_"You know I can't... Unless you want to unchain me.. Then we can really start having some fun."_

_"Kinky.. But I think I like you like this."_

_"Then shut up and either end the game or get out of my head and leave me be."_

_"So you're fine with this reality then are you?"_

_"No, I'm just smart enough to know there's nothing I can do about it."_

_"Except there is and you know it." _

_"Not gonna happen."_

_"I gotta hand it to you, I had no idea you were such a sicko that would get off on all of this."_

_"I don't.. You know I don't."_

_"Thou does protest to much, Sammy."_

_"Do not call me.."_

_"If you don't get off on it, then why won't you end it? Hmm?"_

_"Because.."_

_"Because, you're not sure. Well, isn't that just friggin hilarious?!"_

Sam's every molecule was screaming in agony as the tingle spread from the tips of the fingers on his right hand down his arm up his neck, across his jaw, straight to his temple then to the back of his skull where a strange sensation that felt like pop rocks fizzing erupted it the lowest part of the brain.

Then the tingling spread across his shoulder around to cover his chest. The tingling over his chest became a tightening, it became harder to breath, then there was a horrible clenching pain as his heart started seizing in it's struggle to beat.

He was gasping and weazing when two men came and took him down from the wall...

There were muttered voices about "What.. do.. Ones that won't break. Think this one's dying."

Sam just hung limp and lifeless between the two men that drug him to what might finally be the end to this game..

_But he knows that Lucifer doesn't give up that easily_

~0~

When he comes to again he doesn't even remember having passed out, and he really hates feeling so confused and disoriented.. But on the upside the pain in his chest had subsided.

There's more voices saying something about "Found out something that might break him."

He felt himself being bent over a rough concrete slab and his wrist shackled down out to his sides, over the ends of the concrete, where if he struggled his wrist would be rubbed raw by both the metal and the cement, then a metal bar was placed long ways between his legs and his ankles were chained to each end.

He was positioned perfectly for anyone to take in any way they wanted. His head hung off the other end and some sort of metal ring was forced into his mouth and behind his teeth, then leather straps were buckled behind his head to help forcefully keep the ring in place.

This part of the game Sam knew all to well. So he wasn't surprised when the first in what he knew was going to be a long line, of assailants strided around to his face and shoved a smelly, sweaty, fleshy cock into his mouth.

That didn't mean that it was any less degrading though.

And he really wasn't surprised when another assailant began to anally sodomize him. But it didn't make it any less painful.

He lost count after being used each way by six different men, but the tallies carving themselves into his flesh seemed fine with keeping track for him.

After a while things proceeded from rape back to torture again.

Of course it always did and always would.

_Until Lucifer got bored and moved things back to rape. And if he was in a really bad mood he'd combine them both._

He felt a few dozen lashes of leather against his bare back and buttox and all through all of the rape and torture there was nothing he could do to hold back his hoarse cries of agony, anger, guilt, shame, humiliation and fear.

He had been so lost to the all of the pain that in his daze he hadn't realized that there was a struggling figure chained high up against the wall. The figure would have had a pefect view of all of the spectacles before them.

He knew it would have been only a matter of time for Lucifer to get this bored.

_Lucifer loved using Dean in so many ways..._

_It looked like this time Lucifer was wanting to make him think that Dean was being forced to watch what was happening to him._

_And Dean.. He was fighting like a hellcat to get free._

_Sam had to admit.. Lucifer was getting really, really good at creating a realistic Dean.._

Sam was taken out of the chains and the ring was removed from his mouth, but he was left laying against the cement slab.

One of the men, an older guy who looked vaguely familiar.. But Sam could swear the only time he'd ever seen the guys face was when he pulled up information for a hunt.. The guy owned a hotel they thought had to do something with a string of attacks by what looked to be a spectre.. _But that wasn't real_.. Yanked his hair, got in his face.. Asked him a question, or gave him an order.. Or was saying something to him.. But he couldn't understand a word the guy said nor could he decern the intention of the words.. Whether they were meant to ask, demand or inform.

It didn't matter that he couldn't understand though because obviously his failure to give whatever response the guy was looking for, pissed the man off so much so that the guy begain to rain punches down over his already battered head and shoulders.

All he could do was slide from the platform and puddle into the floor, but the men, _Lucifer_, wouldn't have any of it.

He was hoisted to his feet by a man on either side and he could make out words "Easier if you just break."

Sam actually managed to huff out a laugh at that.

What exactly qualified as broken?

If he wasn't broken now, then he'd never be. Because this was as far as he could go. He'd been forced to relive pains of all of his past traumas a hundred times fold.

_This was him laid bare, literally because he was in The Cage and every ounce of his body, mind, heart and soul was on display._

_Every memory, even things he'd repressed in life and forced himself to forget, he was forced to remember._

_Every single memory. Even the ones Lucifer's bastard of a brother, Zachariah, tried to scrub away._

_Michael had once cried that Lucifer continuing to hurt him was a horrible unforgivable injustice._

_And he'd looked at Michael, smiled and said that it was okay because he deserved to be here, in The Cage, he deserved to suffer._

_He truly believed that even an eternity here would never be punishment enough for the things he'd done or caused to happen._

_He truly believed that no amount of pain would be enough to pay pennance._

_He'd smiled at Michael and had gladly, willingly offered himself up to Lucifer so that Michael wouldn't be made to suffer._

_And Michael had cried..._

It was one of Lucifer's favorite things to occasionally taunt him with. The fact that he was here being raped and tortured of his own free will.

_"Can't rape the willing though. Right Sammy?" Lucifer would whisper._

_"Should've taken that blade and cut into Michael when you had the chance. But no. You had to go and stand up for him."_

_"I think maybe you just wanted it to be like this. You filthy little slut. You wanted all of my attention to yourself. I think you wanted me to use your hungry little holes."_

_"Just admit you like it. That you want it."_

_"I'll even still give it to you any time you want it."_

_"We can go to Michael right now and you can feel free to just start slicing away and know that I'll still give you what you apparently want so bad. It'll be perfect. We can both finally have our revenge and still play our fun little games."_

He remembers how pissed Lucifer got every single time he refused.

Lucifer had told him it'd be easier if he broke then too.

Then the next decade had been filled with such intimately humiliating and shameful debaucheries and pains, that he can't even believe that after all this time he can still manage to feel embarassed and ashamed.

But he can feel the burn of the blush creeping up his neck to color his cheeks as his eyes catch Dean's.

_He almost forgot for a second that it's not real. _

_Dean's not here, he's safe, hopefully with either Ben and Lisa like he promised or with Bobby, because Dean sure as heck shouldn't be alone, at least until it's certain he won't try something stupid or suicidal._

Sam honestly has no clue what to think about the last three years that he thought were real, or how to handle finding out they weren't real.

And a voice somewhere inside his mind tells him he doesn't think he can survive if he finds out those years were real, that this is somehow real...

_But Bela being here gave Lucifer's game away and now Sam's going to spend the next century trying to figure out if Lucifer did it on purpose or not._

Sam came back to himself just in time to feel himself being hung upside down in the middle of the room.

Which was a truly dizzing position, because he swayed back and forth everytime someone so much a touched him.

And he couldn't reach out to try and control or steady the momentum or direction of the way he swung because his hands were cuffed to a chain around his waist.

He watched as two men moved beneath him to pull what looked to be some kind of deep circular tub or vat that was about four feet in diameter, directly under his head.

It was full of water.

After the water stopped sloshing Sam felt the chain holding him up begin to slacken as he was lowered close to the water's surface.

He could hear Dean cursing a blue streak even through the gag that was stuffed in his mouth.

Then the older guy was back where Sam could see him and he was saying "You could be my best pet, Sam. Just let go of all the things you're holding on to. Let me give you the power to cause despair to others. Let me give you the power to make them suffer the way you do."

"_You already know I'll do anything to keep others from suffering because of me. You already know you can't make me hurt anyone else ever again. So go ahead. Get this show on the road you soulless son of a bitch_." But he had no way to give voice to his angry retort.

His head breached the surface of the frigidly cold water. He hadn't even had a chance to try and hold his breath and now water was being pulled into his lungs as he tried to breath.

He was pulled free long enough for his body to spasm and his back and neck to contort as he wretched and gagged to expell the water.

He managed to get one gulp of air into his lungs before he was plunged into the water again.

Sam tried to hold his breath he really did. But upside down was not a good position for his heart or brain and both decided to rebel and wage war against him, making him take a breath.

But he ended up sucking in water instead of air.

He was pulled out and he heaved and sputtered, he tried to get more air into his lungs but the second he went to breath in he was plunged back into the water, making him get a good lung full.

He struggled against drowning, but there wasn't anything he could do.

He was pulled free again and he weezed and choked before his head and chest were submerged again.

The water was so cold that he honestly had a hard time not gasping each time he breached the surface.

But there was a steady pattern now of when he was dunked into and pulled out of the water and Sam didn't want to risk taking a breath at the wrong time.

Above the surface of the water was getting almost just as hard to breath in as below the surface, because as soon as he was pulled free the water would cascade off of his chest and into his face, sometimes going right into his mouth at random and he had no way to predict it or keep it from happening.

Then there was all of the times the older man would say something, not get the response he wanted, and the guy would get angry.

Those times Sam found himself getting worked over by various implements of pain such as belts, baseball bats and plenty of fists.

Getting dunked into the water after receiving such beatings brought about what Sam was sure was an ugly display of thrashing and writhing, then pitiful pain filled moans of disorientation as he was pulled back out long enough to try to get his breath.

He lost count of how many times he'd almost been drowned.

He vaguely remembers asking Lucifer to just end this game and move on to something else. After all the same things over and over again eventually get to be a bit monotnous

He heard a few of the men muttering about him being a lunatic and he also heard Dean's muffled sobs.

He wanted to tell Dean not to cry.

_Because it was okay. _

_There wasn't anything happening that he didn't deserve..._

~0~

When he came to again he was chained back against a wall across from Bela again, this time he had enough freedom to move his head so he tried to look around, even though doing so hurt like hell. To Bela's right, he could see an older woman who was close to sixty, maybe even seventy, chained to the wall and she really wasn't fairing well at all and on Bela's left was a man who was probably in his late twenties and he too looked in as bad of condition as Bela, who'd obviously been through even more abuse since Sam saw her last.

And to Sam's right..

There was Dean.

Dean had obviously been roughed up quite a bit, but at least he still had his clothes on and by the looks of any exposed skin he wasn't cut up,

In this reality that meant he hadn't been.. Hurt.. At least not like that... Right?

Sam hoped that Lucifer wouldn't turn this into a reality where he had to watch, hear or find out about Dean being hurt, especially like that.

_Lucifer LOVED those realities, because they hurt him the worst..._

But there was blood on Dean's clothes and skin that Sam couldn't see...

~0~

The GLOCK in his face didn't intimidate him.

One, he was a hunter, he was used to facing way worse than a person with a gun.

And.. Two, he had a one and a half story living, pissed off, pillar of ice to back him up.

Except..

Standing behind the guy with the gun was none other than freakin Conrad Lewis..

So much for that backup.

Dean knew how bindings like the one on the Goddess worked. She would have no choice but to be at the mercy of her "Master's" commands.

He was on his own for the time being and any sudden movements could get him a bullet to his head. So he had no choice but to play it smart and do his best to not get killed.

Conrad Lewis was an older, guy and he'd look distinguished, even almost grandfatherly, with his subtly graying hair and mustache, but that's only if Dean didn't already know that the guy was lower than the most vile scum.

Conrad looked over at Dean's shoulder towards the Goddess and gave an evil leer as he said "So, thought you could escape me pet? You're going to have to be punished now."

The Goddess hung her head and Dean could hear the trembling in her voice as she begged "Please, Master.."

Conrad smiled at the Goddess' tone. "You know I won't have any leniency, even for you. Or have you forgotten so easily?"

"No. Master.. I.. I.. Haven't forgotten." The Goddess panted through heaving breaths.

"Well, I think you need a really good reminder." Conrad stated.

Everything about the man radiated pure evil. "How long do you think it's going to take to make you remember not to be such a stupid little slut that still thinks she can somehow be free?! Huh pet? Another century? Two?!"

"How ever long you see fit, Master." The Goddess whispered, it was obvious she was heartbroken by having lost her chance at freedom. Dean wondered how long she'd been hoping for rescue and how many times she had come close to getting saved only to watch her hopes be shattered.

"Smart answer, pet." The evil man still had that cold, menacing smile on his face.

Then Conrad turned to Dean gave him a wide, predatory grin and said "I see you've proven to be an even bigger pain in the ass than the spirits warned me about Mr. Winchester."

At the look of surprise on Dean's face Conrad elaborated "The spirits can be quite chatty. Especially the ones I keep well fed."

So the guy used a talking board and somehow fed spirits to earn information. Great. That meant he could know everything there was to know about Dean, Sam, Garth, Benny and Cas.

"Well if the spirits warned you about me, then I'm sure they clued you in on how bad of an idea it was to take my brother."

"Yes. The mentioned how furocious you could be in regards to protecting precious little Sammy. And now I have to show you what I do to people who want to steal what's rightfullly mine."

"Yours?" Dean growled. "Those children I saved aren't yours. Angie, isn't yours, the people you kidnapped aren't yours. And MY brother, damn sure is **not** _yours_."

"That's where you're wrong. They're all mine and I'm not letting them go. The ones that break for me will receive powers to inflict suffering and despair, then they'll harvest all of that pain and all of those emmotions for me to feed on. I'll live another two centuries just off of sweet Sammy's despair alone."

Now Conrad gave a chuckle and said "If he'd just break and give all of that deliciousness over, I could maybe even live another three. But he's so stubborn. I honestly love it when my pets are harder to break. It makes them so much more beautiful when they finally shatter."

Dean stopped caring about the lacky with the gun as he delivered a solid right hook straight into Conrad Lewis' surprised face.

It all made so much sense now.

The bastard was using the Goddess' powers to target certain types of people who were already prone to overwhelming feelings of despair, then he was using the people he broke to create more despair and to harvest all of the hurt it caused.. All so he could extend his own life by feeding off of that pain.

It was the perfect way for a perverted monster like Conrad Lewis to sustain his chosen diet.

Dean wondered where and how the children he'd saved fit into all of this.

Part of him was sure that it was because children would be easier to victimize. Which would have provided a steady stream of despair and pain for Lewis to feed off of for who knew how long.

Dean got another good hit in before the guy with the gun put his lights out. The last thing Dean could think before he went down was of how he'd failed his brother...

~0~

This time when Sam came to the older man, who'd taken such pleasure in having gotten to watch Sam's earlier humiliation, was now harrasing the old woman.

"Leave her alone." Sam demanded with a pained and dazed groan.

The older man merely gave a huff of amusemed annoyance then strode over to Sam and asked "Why do you have to fight it so hard?"

"Fight what so hard?" Sam asked incrediously as he gathered what strength he could to voice his defiance "The Cage or the reality you were sick enough to throw me into?"

The man that Sam was ready to dub as "evil granpa" shook his head and chuckled then moved back towards the older woman.

Sam couldn't rememember a time when he had put a lure on the hook and Lucifer had blatantly refused to take the bait.

This was an apparently new twist to Lucifer's game.

Sam could hear "evil grandpa" cooing lewdly in the old woman's ear about how she was "A bad pet". Because she'd somehow escaped from him almost fourty years ago.

The evil bastard told her how all of her children had been raised as his pets, that her grandchildren and great-grandchildren and so on, had all become either his pets or had been sold to high paying customers all over the world.

The older man gloated that the children he'd sold had made him even more extremely wealthy than he could have ever dreamed. And the ones he hadn't sold had been pleasure pets that were used for many sickening entertainments until he'd either seen fit to dispose of them or turn them into emotion harvesters that would use the powers bestowed upon them to inflict the kinds of despair they had once felt onto other people.

It made Sam feel sick to know someone could do such horrible things to a deffenseless child and he was angry, so angry that children had somehow been made to suffer.

This game had finally gone too far and now Sam was roaring in defiance or wanting to as he growled "You sick bastard!"

But with his wrecked vocal cords it came out as a raspy heaving.

Dean felt helpless as he watched Conrad turn his attention back towards Sam. Over the last three days, he'd had to watch as his little brother was beaten, tortured and raped and he hadn't been able to stop any of it no matter how hard he had tried.

That didn't stop him from still trying though as he fought against the restraints holding him like a man possessed.

Conrad paid him no mind though. He only seemed truly interested in breaking Sam and Ms. Wittiker, all of the others he was victimizing were only there because of their poor luck of fitting the criteria that Conrad's emotion harvesters had been programmed to target.

And since the emotion harvesters were obedient drones that had the powers of a Goddess they could do anything it took to made sure that their Master was kept well fed. Things like becoming invisible, getting in and out of rooms without using doors and without being detected by security cameras, and since there were possibly hundreds of harvesters with the power to inflict despair on the chosen range of targets that explained how so many people had been targeted at once. And how since the harvesters were still technically still humans that had the power to slip into a less corpreal demention, no warding, salt, silver, iron or banishing spell was going to do anything to stop them.

Dean let his mind wonder as he tried to block out Sam's screams as Conrad started shocking Sam with a cattle prod.

He wasn't blocking out the screams to avoid his brother's pain. No he very much wanted that pain to be his own if only it would mean that Sam never had to suffer. But he had to block out the screams when he could, because he had to have enough sanity to help Sam deal with the afftermath of all of this.

And there would be an aftermath, because Dean wasn't going to let his brother get turned into one of those things.

Conrad had paraded one in at one point to show him what he wanted Sam to become. The girl was probably barely twenty, but for Conrad she was probably 'too old' to have held his interest as a pet. Dean remembered seeing how hollow and broken the girl was and knew that she was basically gone, all she was now was an empty vessel for Conrad Lewis to pour his vile perversions into, a vessel that had no choice but to carry that sickness and use it to try to infect others. He couldn't let that happen to Sam.

Dean needed to think.

Garth had given him the first three letters of the Goddess' name.

He knew that she preffered to be called Angie.

He tried out various combinations of letters to follow after the A-N-G in hopes of figuring out Angie's proper name.

Something kept itching away at his skull. There was something he knew. Something he was missing. Some kind of clue.

He ran over the things he knew about the Goddess in his head.

_"Okay one. She's made of ice."_

_"Two. She's a giant."_

_"Three. The first three letters of her name are A-N-G."_

Dean couldn't make sense of what he knew or how it would help, because it still felt like he had nothing.

But he could remember something, about an Ice giantess.. The info had been barely a blip on the radar, but it had come up during research for a case, something from a long time ago.

It was so frustarting!

It was right there at the back of his mind!..

He started wondering how a **Goddess** had gotten herself into this situation anyway.

Wait. There was more that he knew.

_"Four. She was bound and imprisoned."_ He knew that Angie had been Conrad's prisoner for at least two centuries.

_"What could bind and imprison a Goddess?"_

_"A powerful spell?"_

_"But then what would be strong enough to perform that kind of magic?"_

_"A witch?"_

_"Maybe.."_

_""No.. Something else.. Something stronger than a witch did this to Angie.. What was it?"_

_"__**Who **__was it?"_

_"Why did they do it?"_

The answers swam just under the surface of his memory.. He knew this.

An ice giantess. Imprisoned because of..

Because of..

Someone was afraid of her power?

Someone was afraid of just her?

Wait.. There was more that he knew.

According to Garth, Angie was the Germanic "Distress Bringer" but she only targeted people who deserved it..

_"Like just deserts."_

The information had come up during research for the Trickster seven years ago.

He and Sam had thought it might be helpful to know all about any of the Tricksters just in case there might've been some more powerful than others. Things like that were always good to know when it could mean life or death.

One particular Trickster had fornicated with an Ice giantess and thus had fathered three monsterous children.

One of those children had been a wolf..

A Goddess of Destiny had told Odin that a wolf would bring about his death so Odin had bound the wolf with a magic chain, had one of the wolf's sibling thrown into the ocean, the other sent to the underworld and the wolf's mother was "bound" and "gagged".

That ice giantess had been the Germanic "Distress Bringer".

It wasn't that Angie couldn't pronounce her name, she was probably cursed to not be able to say it the second she was imprisoned, then her name spoken properly out loud would be the only thing that would set her free.

He knew her name. But he couldn't remember it. The letters danced in the back of his head.

Something about another name kept scratching away at his mind.

Something about the name of Conrad's hotel, just wouldn't stop bugging him.

_"Rodagan."_ He bounced the name around in his head..

_"No way."_

_"An anagram?"_

Conrad did seem like a cocky and smug enough bastard to basically have Angie's proper name written right up over the entrance of the building built over part of her prison.

Now Dean started taking the letters of the name of the hotel and mixing them with what he knew about the first three letters of Angie's name.

_"A-N-G-..O-R?.."_ No. That vaguely sounded right in his head. But it felt like there was both something missing and something wrong about the order.

He wished Sam could help him here. All he'd have to do would be to ask "Hey, Sammy what's the name of the Germanic Distress Bringer. Or what was the name of Loki's girlfriend?"

And Sam would say...

Sam would definitely know the answer. Hell Sam could probably write a five page report on how blank, and blank fits together with blank and blank.

Dean could hear Sam just rambling away about the supposed future the day of Ragnarok was foretold to bring to the land of Asgard.

Dean wished he didn't have twelve years worth of reading comic books screwing with what he knew about reality.

His mind tried to sort through the jumbled letters. No matter what he did the words he came up with neither looked nor sounded right in his head.

He had to be missing something.

Sam's blood curdiling cries broke him from his revelry.

His little brother was suffering and all he had to do to stop it was to figure out a name he already knew.

Dean wondered how Sam could keep from breaking with all of the torment Conrad and his goons kept raining down on him.

He thought about how long all o f the children he had rescued from the basement of the Rodagan would have lasted before they would have become one of Conrad's harvesters.

_"Basement."_

A lit up elevator button flickered into Dean's mind.

_"B."_

_"Son of a bitch. The missing letter."_

Dean took this new information and let it swim with the letters already floating chaoticly around in his head.

_"So.. A-N-G.. O-R-A-B?.. No. Still not right."_

He knew it was one of those weird foreign names with like back to back constanants.

_"A-N-G-.. D-B-O?.. No."_

_"A-N-G-.. R-D-O-B-A.?.. No. Close but no."_

Sam's continued cries of pain made Dean frantic to figure out what Angie's proper name was.. All he had to do was say it right and then he could kill Conrad and get Sam the hell out of this place.

_"A-N-G-.."_ Dean calmed his mind and tried to bring the right combination of letters to the forefront of his mind.

_"R-B-." _Something clicked in Dean's mind.. that was right.

_"O-D-A.." _

_"A-N-G-R-B-O-D-A."_ Dean took back what he'd thought earlier when he had been so sure that Angie was just unable to say her own name just because of what the lore said about her being "gagged". Angie's name really was going to be freakin hard to pronounce.

_"Angie."_

There was a hint there.

_"An..j. .da." _The "G" was pronounced with a "j" sound.

"Anjrboda." Dean whispered.

If Dean had thought it was cold before, he was learning the real definition of cold now as an artic blast swept through the room and the lights flickered out.

Then there was warmth as the harshly frigid cold was pulled away from him.

In what little dim lighting there was left coming through the barred windows Dean could see ice rapidly forming on the ground.

It moved like a living thing and went straight for Conrad Lewis..

Dean turned his head and watched as Angie stalked menacingly towards the evil man who had held her captive and misused her powers for his own sick pleasures. He hoped that she would take into account how close the man was to Sam, because if Sam got even more hurt then he and the ice Goddess were gonna have a problem.

At that moment Angie turned toward Dean and grinned as she flicked her wrist and everyone's bindings disintegrated. Those who were unconscious and couldn't catch themselves, simply floated gently to the ground.

"Get your brother and the others out of here." Angie said with a kind, benevolent voice as she gestured to Sam. Then her voice became venomous as she gestured to Conrad and said "I'll take care of this scum."

"Make sure it hurts." Dean commanded. He wanted to stick around and make sure Conrad got everything that was coming to him, but getting Sam to safety was his first priority.

"Oh, I will." Angie promised vehemetly.

Dean had no doubt that she was definitely going to keep that promise.

Bela hadn't even needed to be asked. The second she was free she set to work helping Ms. Wittiker and the man who had been chained next to her toward the door that led out of this hell.

Sam was barely semi-conscious, but he was still holding on.

When Dean moved in front of Sam's eyeline Sam smiled and whispered "I still won't do it."

Dean had heard enough of his little brother's delirious mumblings over the last three days to know that Sam thought that he was still some how stuck in The Cage and that everything that had happened was a reality that Lucifer had cooked up as a means of perverse entertainment. He'd also heard enough over the last three days to figure out that Lucifer had tried to get Sam to torture Michael but Sam had kept refusing and that Sam had actually offered himself up to be tortured if Lucifer would leave Michael alone.

So the only response Dean could give to what he knew his brother was reffering to was "I know you won't little brother. No one's gonna try to make you hurt anyone ever again."

Sam gave a sigh of relief, nodded and said "Wondered if he'd ever finally give up."

"That's right little brother, your stubborness outlasted the devil's." Dean stated fondly as Sam's eyes closed out of sheer exaustion.

Dean couldn't blame him.

He did his best to gather his little brother's injured, naked, body into a secure fireman's carry, then moved as fast as he could out the door.

The second he was outside the screaming started again..

Only this time it wasn't Sam's screams or even the screams of any of the others Conrad had victimized.

No. They were the agonized, sobbing screams of Conrad Lewis and all of his present accomplices...

By the time the screaming finally stopped the entire mansion they'd been imprisoned in was covered in a few feet of rock hard ice, the only gap was where the door was.

The door opened and out walked a young, petite blonde woman with an impish face.

"Angie?" Dean asked and the woman nodded.

"I need to make that everyone that monster used my powers to hurt is healed." Angie stated as she walked closer to Dean.

"May I touch him?" She asked.

"You mean you can really heal him?"

Angie nodded again.

"Yes. Please. Help him. Whatever it takes."

Dean manuvered Sam so that Sam rested against his chest facing outward.

Angie let her hand hover over the cuts on Sam's left pectoral muscle with a bewildered look on her face.

The slices had finally formed a sideways "8". Dean figured that with all of the commotion one of the harvesters had messed up on the cuts.

"Infinite amount of strength." Angie whispered as her hand hovered over the symbol.

Dean's eyebrows rose as he took in Angie's meaning, then he looked around.

Bela, Ms. Wittiker and the man whose name Dean still didn't know all had the same symbol carved into their chests and he knew for a fact that those marks hadn't been there before the three of them disappeared.

Angie seemed to sense Dean's confusion as she looked up at him and said "It can be developed over time. But it seems your brother already had it."

Angie ran her hands over Sam's form without making contact.

Dean's quizical look caught her attention again.

"I'm reading his aura as well as his mind. It'll help me find the answers you seek."

Now Dean was really baffled.

"I'm a Goddess. Remember?.. Reading the minds of mortals is mere child's play for a being like me, now that I have my powers back."

"And there's answers you need. Answers your brother and all the other victims of that madman will need. I just figured it would be easier for everyone's mental healing if I could help get those answers."

"Because all I can heal are the injuries of the flesh, I can't do anything to mend damaged minds or souls."

Angie did another pass over Sam without making contact "So much pain." She whispered. "I wish I could take it all away for him.. There's so much that I can't undo. His mind.. His poor soul.. So much pain."

The Goddess had tears in her eyes "But also so much strength, so much love."

She finally made contact by placing her hands on each side of Sam's face, then she placed the lightest of kisses on Sam's forehead and whispered "Heal well, sweet child."

Then Angie looked up at Dean and placed her hands on either side of his face and kissed him on the forehead as well. Angie smiled at his confusion as he felt the cuts on his forehead, left and right temples, right side of his neck, center of his chest, left arm, right arm, right bicep and left hand starting to knit themselves back together. The sensations were painless, yet odd.

Dean had actually forgotten the cuts had formed and the voice had too whispered in his mind all while he watched Sam being hurt. Conrad had gloated that as soon as Sam was broken then Dean would shatter so beautifully for him all to easily. Fortunately for them Conrad had underestimated Sam's strength.

Angie moved around to Bela who now, that Dean looked close enough seemed to be very protective of Ms. Wittiker who needed someone to help her keep standing. It took some coaxing, but finally Bela allowed Angie to do what need to be done for both her and Ms. Wittiker.

The man that had been saved with them was also skittish but Angie had a gentle nature that was easy to trust and soon she was able to help the man as well.

As he felt the last of his own cuts healing Dean looked around and saw that everyone else was also fully healed, then he looked down at Sam and saw that only the now scarred over symbol of infinity remained.

"I thought maybe he needs to keep that one. Just so he'll always remember how strong he can be." Angie stated as she once again knelt beside Dean.

Dean nodded, then something struck him. "I need to get them back to their hospital rooms." He gestured to Sam, Bela, Ms. Wittiker, and the man.

"But I can't just come trapsing out of the woods with four naked people in tow... By the way. Where are we?"

Angie smiled "I told you I'd have answers. And I do. For now what you need to to know is that we are about eighteen miles outside of Atlantic City and your friends will be arriving shortly. They've been looking for you everywhere. It took them quite a bit of digging but they managed to find all of Conrad Lewis' secret holdings and one of those holdings just so happened to be this land."

"How could you possibly know all that?" Dean asked.

"I'm. A. Goddess. I can read the mind of your friend Garth, even though he's over six miles away."

"I always thought Garth was a little too loud." Dean replied with a bit of bitterness as he wondered just where in the hell the 'friends' he'd been counting on had been three days sooner. "I hope they bring some blankets or something."

The Goddess waved her hand and clothing appeared on Sam's naked body, she did it thrice more and the others were clothed as well.

"Is that better?" She asked.

"Much better." Dean said feeling genuinely grateful. "Thank you."

"Well I do owe you a life's debt of gratitude for setting me free."

"And I owe you a life debt for saving my brother." Dean replied with an appreciative nod.

Angie's look turned sad as she said "I was just undoing the damage that bastard did with my powers. The Gods can be assured that I'll have Odin's balls bronzed and mounted on a silver plaque for what trouble he's caused for the day of Ragnarok is soon at hand."

Dean hadn't forgotten that she had her own loved ones to avenge but now he felt nervous that the Goddess was going to be trying to start another apocalypse.

"Don't worry." Angie said with a chuckle "It'll effect Asgard only and none but the truly wicked will suffer."

"Is he gonna be okay?" Dean asked hesitantly gesturing to his little brother who now lay curled into Dean's chest. He was so afraid of some of the other things the Goddess might not have been able to undo.

"Far from it, I'm afraid." Angie replied regretfully, but honestly "At least for a long time to come. There is so much pain that can come from the things I couldn't heal. I'm so sorry."

"I meant his heart and.."

"I healed his heart to the best of my ability, unfortunately there is truly, little I can do for things that occure naturally without either performing spells or going through rituals that would make us both hypocrites."

"Hey! I don't give a damn what it makes us! Do whatever it takes to heal him completely!" Dean demanded.

"Dean." The Goddess looked filled with sorrow "What I'm saying is there would have to be a human sacrifice."

"You can use me."

"It would have to be an infant or very young child."

Dean hung his head and the Goddess put a comforting hand on his shoulder as she said "It would make us both as bad as the things you hunt and neither of us wants that. Your brother wouldn't want that."

"But his heart.. If.."

"I know. And I truly am sorry." Angie sounded so benevolent. "Your friends are here."

Just then Dean heard the throaty rumble of the Impala. He looked over his shoulder to see his baby pulling up with Garth following close behind in his El Camino.

Benny climbed out of the driver's seat of the Impala and said "You are sure as hell a sight for sore eyes brother." as he walked over to Dean.

"We looked everywhere, for you man." Garth said sounding relieved.

Dean felt himself bristle. He wanted to be angry that it had taken so long for him and Sam to be found. Especially since Benny was supposed to have been tailing Conrad Lewis.

Angie put her other hand on Dean's chin and coaxed him to face her and said "Remember, all of the answers you need will come in time. Don't judge with such haste and anger."

Dean got the message. _"Calm down and let them have time to explain."_

Angie rewarded him with a smile then she looked up a Cas gave the air a sniff and said "Oh. Now I understand. You are his brother"

Cas looked confused "Whose brother?"

"Loki's brother. Or should I say Gabriel's?" Now Angie laughed herself almost to the brink of tears "He always did have a grand sense of humor. Angel of Thursday!"

The Goddess was practically having a fit of hysterical laughter and Dean was wondering if after everything Angie had finally lost it. Then he got it. _"Angel Of Thursday. 'Thor's Day. and Loki was supposed to be Thor's adopted brother according to a lot of lores."_

Now Dean was tempted to laugh a bit himself. After all this time since his death, Gabriel had still managed to deliver a punchline.

~0~

**A/N:** Well... Who all figured out who the Goddess was before I revealed her identity?...

I hope the stuff revealed in this chapter made sense. (If it did.. Please applaud my genuis now.. I really could use a boost to my moral as I'm having some serious issues with stress, it's affecting EVERYTHING.. Sleeping, eating, concentrating.. Lots of problems and I haven't really been able to write because of them (And I used to write as a release so it's really throwing off my entire flow..)

Hopefully things didn't get too dark or too unrealistic..

I know there's probably questions like: "What happened to the emotion harvesters now that Conrad's dead?", "What happened to the other people who were taken from their hospital rooms?" and so on...

And like Angie, I'll say, "The answers you need will come in time."... hehehe

I hope everyone who read this enjoyed it!... Please review!


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